DEPRESSED about moving for husband's new job
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Anonymous
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My husband got his dream job in the town where we're both from, and we are moving in a few weeks. I thought I was fine with the move, but as it approaches, I am feeling literally devastated about leaving the city where we live now (btw we're not in DC). I absolutely love where we live, we started our family here, it's a gorgeous place, we have great friends here and there is so much to do, I love the weather which will not be as nice where we're moving to. I'm nervous to live near our families, as we'll need to establish boundaries with both sets of parents. My job will be working for my father and with a sister, which I am really anxious about too, just entangling family and work. I am such a mess and just don't want to go, but neither of us has good job prospects here, and both of us have great jobs there.
Can anyone give advice on getting through depression over a move, on moving "back home" near family, or on moving from a place you love to a place that's just ok? I want to know that everything will be good, but don't feel that way at all right now. We also have a toddler and I want to be happy and strong for him, not sad and depressed and anxious, which he will totally pick up on. |
Anonymous
| Who will take care of your son when you move? |
Anonymous
He'll do some half-day preschool and will be with my MIL when he's not at school. I'll be working part time so he'll be with me a lot too. She has long wished for us to move there so that she can keep him while I work, and she has come to visit for weeks at a time and kept him at our house while I worked (from home for the family business), and it's been a great experience for us so far. I know it's not for everyone, but I think that will actually be a good part of the move. |
Anonymous
| Where do you live now that is so awesome? |
Anonymous
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I don't have any directly relevant experience, OP, but I am hoping my post may provide something helpful or some encouragement. In my experience, any really major life change (like moving, or having a child) takes a full year to fully adjust to. It's a process and things get better incrementally over time, of course, but for me it has always really taken a full year to feel adjusted to my new normal. My point being: if this move is already planned and set, expect that you're going to feel out of sorts for a while, and give the new situation a full year before you consider making any further major changes in your life.
I am trying to keep this in mind myself as I approach a potential new job in the fall (that will require us to move). It will be hard and stressful at first for me, and an adjustment for our family to be sure, but I have to commit to giving it a year before I make any further changes. |
Anonymous
We have family watch our kids too while we work and it has been wonderful. That alone would keep me from moving. My kids have such a strong and special bond with their grandparents. |
Anonymous
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I hear ya- I could have written this post! We LOVE this city we are in now (not DC) and our next move is coming a full year ahead of the original plan because DH got his dream job-- It's in a terrible place - very flat with snow on the ground for at least 3 months of the year and not close to ANY family. But it's a good career move and there will be good schools and cost of living is good - we will have a nice house. Ugh. Hating it. I know depression is coming. Meanwhile just trying to enjoy what we have now- can i stock up on the "enjoying" part now? Ugh. It will be a messy difficult move, too.
Good Luck OP - signed, ugh |
Anonymous
| OP, I sympathize. I created the "Miami, FL possible move" thread because DH has an opportunity in his family's business down there and I really do not want to go. But it may end up being the best thing for us for a few years. Unlike you, we don't have kids yet to worry about. I will say, though, that we now live near his family in DC and they are moving so he wants to remain close to them as well. But my family is closer to DC (about a 2 1/2 hour drive). |
Anonymous
| It's hard to see it now, but these are some special years with a young child to spend serious time with grandparents. My parents love it now (not just the 2x year visit) and I think of it as a gift to my kids and to them for time we will never have again. |
Anonymous
| OP, when we moved to DC it was originally my idea to encourage DH to apply for the job here. But when he got it and reality really sunk in about leaving my job/friends/family it was tough. I read it takes about three years to adjust to a new place. It might be a little less for you since you're moving to a place that's familiar, but still...give it time. We've been here four years and DH is looking at an opportunity that will move us back to where we came from and after four years missing it I suddenly realized I'm pretty happy here and not so sure I want to go back. It will all work out. |
Anonymous
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It is natural to be upset at the thought of leaving what you have behind.
But in your case you have quite a lot to look forward to. This is the meaning of "bitter-sweet". |
Anonymous
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Aw. I get it OP. My husband and I used to live in Austin and he mentioned a job posting for a job there he applied for. I love Austin (and more relevant to your situation, I love the town we are from) and would in theory be happy there but I would be SO SAD leaving the kids' schools, their friends, our neighborhood... You just have to remind yourself good things are on the horizon. New friends, new experiences.
But I confess that in my pessimistic moments I remind myself that the saying "this too shall pass" refers not only to the bad stuff, but also to the good stuff. Life just comes and goes like that. The good stuff will pass, replaced by more good stuff, and one day too that will pass. You just have to enjoy yourself while you can and hang tight to the memories. Good luck, friend. |
Anonymous
I really agree with this advice to take an incremental approach. You might want to focus on very little short-term goals (rather than looking at the whole picture: we're losing our home, our garden, our friends, our community). For instance, you sound worried about the merger of work and family. I agree you're going to want to meet some people who aren't your family! You could have a short term goal of finding an activity --hiking? yoga? book club?-- or a class that gets you meeting some new people. Another example might be that you think about which room (after your LO's of course) in the new house would give you greatest comfort. Focus on that room. Get the furniture right, buy the stuff that makes that new room the room you feel most "at home." It's a long road, but if you approach it room by room, small project by small project, I really think you'll feel less depressed and overwhelmed. GL! |
Anonymous
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Agree about giving yourself time and recognizing there is an adjustment period.
Another thought. Consider that just because you are moving back to the area your family is from, it doesn't mean you are "moving home." You aren't mentioning where it is you are headed for, but consider that the town/city probably has neighborhoods, activities, etc. that you didn't have exposure to when you lived there previously that you could tap into now. Try to approach the move with really open eyes, as if you were going to a completely new city. |
Anonymous
OP here, thanks so much for everyone's replies, they are really helpful. This is helpful too, re: expectations and giving it a year. I think because we grew up there it feels like we should just slip right back in and adjust easily, but it's been 15 years since I lived there, and I have really come to feel that where I am now is "home". A year is a helpful perspective on adjusting. |