Should I Have Called the Police?

[Anonymous]

My wife assaulted me - the third time in the past five months. She started with whipping me with a pair of jeans she had in her hand. I retreated to another room in the house where she continued punching and slapping at me - trying to get at my face. My crime: 1) putting her bra in the drier; and 2) telling her that she has no right to speak disrespectfully and insultingly about my mother.

I threatened to call the police on her, which enraged her even more. Eventually, I was just able to leave the house.

[Anonymous]

Get out now. Abuse is abuse regardless of gender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get out now. Abuse is abuse regardless of gender.

+ 1, 000

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Any time it gets to the point where you wonder if you should call the police, it's time to call a divorce attorney.

[Anonymous]

Just because you are a man and she is a woman does not make it okay. It's domestic violence. Don't tell her you are going to call the police, just call them. Keep them on the phone when you do so she can't try to accuse you of hitting her back in any way.

Obtain a restraining/protective order against her, move out and divorce her so that there is never, ever a next time.

[Anonymous]

If you want her arrested, yes, you should have called the police. If you want the abuse to stop, that's not always the best strategy. So it literally depends on what you want to accomplish.

[Anonymous]

Abuse to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Abuse to stop.

No kids? You can move out. Write a certified letter that you are leaving for your safety due to her abuse. Tell her that you have made an appointment fr couples counseling and she should also make an appt for individual therapy. Be clear that you won't move back in until there is a sign off from a therapist AND a post-nup that has a heavy penalty if she abuses you again.

Kids? Get her out NOW.

And I'm a woman. Survived emotional abuse and threatened DV in my own marriage. Watched my dad beat my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Abuse to stop.

Where do you live? You could access a bunch of resources through the Family Justice Center in Rockville or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline to get local resources easier for you access. Domestic violence providers are well aware that men are victims too (sorry, I assumed you were male, but just realized you only mention a wife, so I apologize for the assumption if you are female), and you can work with an advocate to get you the assistance you need to meet the goals that are individualized to what you want, not what a bunch of people on the internet think are best for you.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: [phone]
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Abuse to stop.

No kids? You can move out. Write a certified letter that you are leaving for your safety due to her abuse. Tell her that you have made an appointment fr couples counseling and she should also make an appt for individual therapy. Be clear that you won't move back in until there is a sign off from a therapist AND a post-nup that has a heavy penalty if she abuses you again.

Kids? Get her out NOW.

And I'm a woman. Survived emotional abuse and threatened DV in my own marriage. Watched my dad beat my mom.

As someone who works in the field of domestic violence, this is highly not recommended, at least immediately post-crisis. OP, the reason behind this is that if she is abusing you, you are not completely free to be honest in those sessions, for perhaps fear of retaliation or actual retaliation in the future. This could lead to unintentional colluding on the part of the therapist with your wife, and it becomes not only an unsafe process but an ineffective one as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get out now. Abuse is abuse regardless of gender.

+1

[Anonymous]

If you call the police, they will come and arrest YOU not her.

That is how it works in "domestic violence" - the man is axiomatically the aggressor, and the woman the victim.

Just get the hell out of there, pronto.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife assaulted me - the third time in the past five months. She started with whipping me with a pair of jeans she had in her hand. I retreated to another room in the house where she continued punching and slapping at me - trying to get at my face. My crime: 1) putting her bra in the drier; and 2) telling her that she has no right to speak disrespectfully and insultingly about my mother.

I threatened to call the police on her, which enraged her even more. Eventually, I was just able to leave the house.

Right. You put her bra in the dryer and she started insulting/disrespecting your mother and then whipped/hit/punched you...

You didn't touch her. You didn't instigate. You are completely without fault in this situation, and posting to DCUM because you're terrified for your safety. From the pants.

Don't "threaten to call the police" OP. Do it. Or don't. But the fact that you're using it as a threat means you're more involved in this than you think. Get out. Call the cops. Or don't. Walk away and cool off. Come back and talk when you're rational.

I suspect your put your wife's bra in the dryer after having done so multiple times and ruined multiple bras and been asked to not on multiple occasions. Your mother is probably a monster-in-law who disrespects and insults your wife, which you allow because you can't stand up to her any more than you can stand up to your wife.

If you don't want to leave your wife, calling the cops because she hit you with a pair of jeans is a really stupid idea. While there is no excuse to hit, there's also nothing to gain by trying to punish your spouse if you'd like to remain married. The police are going to escalate this situation without offering you much help you can't already find for yourself. Posters above have given you links to local resources. Call the police if you are in danger.

Evaluating your own behavior and how it has contributed to this situation is ALWAYS a sound plan. If she's a pants-whipping ragebeast all the time, you need to figure out why you want to stay. If she's pushed to the brink of completely losing her shit, you need to evaluate what, if anything, you can/will do about the underlying causes.

Counseling is a good idea for couples with problems who choose to try to stay together. Knowing yourself and your own issues is key to making counseling work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you call the police, they will come and arrest YOU not her.

That is how it works in "domestic violence" - the man is axiomatically the aggressor, and the woman the victim.

Just get the hell out of there, pronto.

Not true. My husband called the police on his ex while they were married and she was throwing things at him. He wanted it to be documented and it turned out to be helpful later in divorce/custody negotiations. Neither he nor his ex were arrested, but the police did make a report.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife assaulted me - the third time in the past five months. She started with whipping me with a pair of jeans she had in her hand. I retreated to another room in the house where she continued punching and slapping at me - trying to get at my face. My crime: 1) putting her bra in the drier; and 2) telling her that she has no right to speak disrespectfully and insultingly about my mother.

I threatened to call the police on her, which enraged her even more. Eventually, I was just able to leave the house.

Right. You put her bra in the dryer and she started insulting/disrespecting your mother and then whipped/hit/punched you...

You didn't touch her. You didn't instigate. You are completely without fault in this situation, and posting to DCUM because you're terrified for your safety. From the pants.

Don't "threaten to call the police" OP. Do it. Or don't. But the fact that you're using it as a threat means you're more involved in this than you think. Get out. Call the cops. Or don't. Walk away and cool off. Come back and talk when you're rational.

I suspect your put your wife's bra in the dryer after having done so multiple times and ruined multiple bras and been asked to not on multiple occasions. Your mother is probably a monster-in-law who disrespects and insults your wife, which you allow because you can't stand up to her any more than you can stand up to your wife.

If you don't want to leave your wife, calling the cops because she hit you with a pair of jeans is a really stupid idea. While there is no excuse to hit, there's also nothing to gain by trying to punish your spouse if you'd like to remain married. The police are going to escalate this situation without offering you much help you can't already find for yourself. Posters above have given you links to local resources. Call the police if you are in danger.

Evaluating your own behavior and how it has contributed to this situation is ALWAYS a sound plan. If she's a pants-whipping ragebeast all the time, you need to figure out why you want to stay. If she's pushed to the brink of completely losing her shit, you need to evaluate what, if anything, you can/will do about the underlying causes.

Counseling is a good idea for couples with problems who choose to try to stay together. Knowing yourself and your own issues is key to making counseling work.

Hi OP's wife!