Don't eat that
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Anonymous
| DH here. I am in a challenging marriag and we both know it. DW did a very nice job today with Easter. She worked hard and I thanked her. I had fallen asleep on the sofa after dinner and I woke up after desert. I started to have some of the apple pie, of which there was less than the carrot cake. She told me not to eat the apple pie, to eat the Carrot Cake because the kids like the apple pie. Our kids are teenagers and eat quite well thank you. Part of our marriage issue is that I have always felt that my DW did not put our relationship first and grow a family unit from that basis. So, in our household I am often told that I am not to eat something that is for the kids, ie we made lamb chops for dinner there's not enough, you can have the leftovers from last night. I got angry at being told to eat what everyone else did not want and yelled - quilty, I have tried to explain that it is not about me eating the leftovers after the whole family has taken their choice. And that is a symptom of how she has treated our relationship, which puts it at risk. She is right to be angry that I yelled on Easter after she worked hard. But, whether when we first married and we couldn't move anywhere because she wanted to be near her Mom, to not being able to discuss job opportunities that would have us leave the area, and now with our kids its the same shit. Don't eat that - the kids want it. Don't watch TV in the FR - go upstairs - the kids want to watch TV here. I understand after all the years of acrimony we are starting to not like each other. But, and not to be completely sexist, I believe there are a subset of women, who view men as financial and sperm providers. So, why does she not get my intense anger at being told eat the leftovers. If she would have put us first, things would be different. How to find the strength to honor my vows and grow old with her ? It's sad. |
Anonymous
| You could start by talking with her and sharing how you feel dismissed as a husband when told to eat leftovers. Resentment is quite toxic, and clearly you have let it build up for years. If you knew how to communicate effectively, you would have done so already. Or maybe you have, and she has chosen to continue to respond in this way. Maybe she's pissed off at you and she takes it out in these small, petty ways. Whatever the issue is, you would be wise to set up an appointment with a neutral third party (a marriage counselor) who can help you walk through these conversations and help you deal with years of resentment. |
Anonymous
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She sounds controlling and it sounds like you have let yourself be controlled. Then the resentment builds up and you explode. She orders you around, telling you what you can and can't do and for the most part you do what you are told to keep the peace. She doesn't treat you with respect and she doesn't value what you think or want or need. Why do you think you have played the passive submissive one all these years? Are you afraid of her reactions? Does she demean you or call you names?
Have you ever done marriage counseling? |
Anonymous
| I can imagine that this would make you feel like a second-class citizen or something. Start telling her no and to make enough for everyone. That is ridiculous. It's also a very bad example for your kids. |
Anonymous
| Forget about you first, you aren't even an equal with her or your children. Do you know her friends? Where is she getting this sick crap? She's screwing up the kids to. |
Anonymous
Yes, DW is quite pissed at me for a variety of reasons. I used to be a real hard ass and we are still feeling the lingering effects of the recession. So, there is definitely resentment on both sides. The irony is that I used to think I was quite controlling, and only recently in watching her interactions with her Mom, who is very controlling, have I realized that my wife, as a coping mechanism for dealing with her Mom I believe is actually quite passive aggressive. We no longer have relations and her withholding was a form of expressing control. I realize how bad it sounds, and it is, but kids, suburban life, willing to put up with alot to make it work or at least til the kids are out of the house. But, yes, I believe alot of her actions stem from her anger and are a form of passive aggressive. DW does not discuss things - at all. If I was to have this conversation with her she would call it my pscho babble...as in stop all your psycho babble. Times have been tough for us economically but life was never promised to be a bed of roses. |
Anonymous
| So buy and make your own food. |
Anonymous
| I'm so sorry, OP. I also thought her behavior was passive-aggressive. How are your children dealing with it? |
Anonymous
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OP here. The issue at the heart of this is that when I was younger I was very lucky and made alot of money. Not 8 digits but netted mid 7 digits. We both come from what you could call nothing. As the DW, she benefited from early wealth, stayed home, no pressure to work, nice SUV, nice home. Well, went out on my own and got my ass kicked by financial crisis. She had to go back to work in her mid-late 40's to help us survive. She is pissed. I am slowly growing a business, and to build anything is hard. I am not yet 50, I can see how I will hit my business will hit its stride in my fifties and will grow to mid 7 digits with 15-20% margins. So, when most guys I know are worried about getting laid off, I will have built a nice business. Problem is she has no faith in me. She see's challenges that we experienced during financial crisis and takes me as a failure. I'm like hey shoe me anyone else that we grew up with that has had my success, and that I will be successful again. But, she has no risk tolerance, liked the fact that she stayed home, heck even before we had kids in her mid 30's she stayed home. Sounds sexist, but I think she got spoiled. Life has its ups and downs. So, that's definitely part of it. But, for better or worse. I think it is harder on women in affluent communities - the women are harder on each other and more competitive. Sure, there are things that my kids have had to go without, but perhaps that will give them drive to compete in the world. I know it gave me drive.
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Anonymous
OP here - doesn't really sounds like a solution to living together as a loving family ? |
Anonymous
| Wow, there is an awful lot going on there OP. I'm sorry. I can see how your original post is just sort of a metaphor for everything else. I don't see things getting better for you based on what you posted without therapy. I can't imagine how she'll treat you after the kids are out of the house and she doesn't have them to "hide" behind. |
Anonymous
Truth be told - they see me through their mother's eyes. She raised them, and did well by them. But they see her working, see her anger, here her talk down to me and feel the license to do the same. when I call them on it, and I do, they get pissed. And she will intercede on their behalf. I find I enjoy my kids, and they enjoy me more when we are alone. When my DW is home, they are brattier towards me. |
Anonymous
Aren't dad's supposed to get the big piece of chicken? 
Your wife has it all backwards... But if your kids are teens and she does not work see may not be coping well with the impending empty nest syndrome. |
Anonymous
I beg to differ. I would never talk down to my husband in front of our child. That's her father. No way. No matter how pissed I might be, that's off limits. |
Anonymous
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Well OP, you can either be part of the problem or part of the solution. Choose one. Either make an appointment with a therapist and tell wife you're going and would be grateful if she could join you. Either way you're going.
Or you can continue to sit and stew and analyze and feel resentful. |