Anyone have a friend who lies or competes CONSTANTLY?

[Anonymous]

And did you hold on to the friendship?

I have an old friend -- dating back to high school though we went to college together too -- who is so insecure and competitive that he lies all the time, mostly about work. He's that guy who HAS to tell you that he's the youngest senior executive in his company, that he's a managing director etc., that he works for a certain company and then when it gets contradicted -- like his business card (which he hands you) says something different, it'll be this long explanation of how the VP title in his company is really Managing Director or while his card says XYZ Corp. he REALLY works for Credit Suisse. And it goes on and on and on. There are constant discussions of how hard he works and just because he's based in Denver doesn't mean he doesn't work NYC hours.

Truth is I don't care about his professional standing. He has been a friend for years and we have a lot of shared experience. I care about him as a person and not comparison between how good he's doing compared to me (and believe me there is NOTHING to compare to as I'm not even working right now). I saw him for the first time in a few years yesterday and the ENTIRE lunch was like this. Even the simplest things - he said he was tired and I simply said -- well it's a long flight home to Denver, you should sleep for some/all of it, only to hear -- oh no I could never do that, there are so many people relying on me. It was like ok -- so don't sleep, I was just being nice.

[Anonymous]

People line that tire me out
I can't do lies... Look at them line they are crazy and the leave them the f*** alone !

[Anonymous]

Yes, she's named DCUM.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend who was super competitive and while I don't think she outright lies, she may suggest some achievement is a permenant one when really it just happened like 5 minutes ago and could change any minute now.

I couldn't maintain the friendship - I genuinely didn't enjoy the company.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- somehow I always thought a bit of validation would work, but it hasn't. I have acknowledged that I'm proud of him that he's doing well etc. -- and I am -- but the justifying still continues. I wonder if part of it is that he did NYC investment banking for one year, could not deal with the hours -- which happens to many people and is no big deal, moved off to Denver for a good opportunity, but has to continue to prove that he is as successful, important and hard working as our cohort in NYC/DC.

Thing is -- we're all kind of at different life stages right now. There are some who are still gunning at the top hedge funds in NYC. There are some (like me) who did big investment banking, biglaw etc. for a good decade and have totally burnt out and want a "normal" life. There are others who chose "normal" right from the get-go -- they were willing to work hard but not willing to sacrifice their lives, quality of living etc. for work. He is in that last category and I admire that, yet NEEDS to prove that he's just like our hedge fund classmates who are being profiled in Forbes. Reality is -- he isn't; he works for a good middle market real estate company, has a huge home and land, has a fun life skiing, hiking etc. in his downtime. He doesn't do the 80-100 hr weeks and almost feels a need to "justify" his choices.

[Anonymous]

This habit is extremely annoying. And you're right, validation doesn't work b/c if it's stemming from insecurity it's like trying to plug the leak by putting your finger in the dike.

I know someone like this in my social circle. Not really a friend though and the kind of crap this person talks about (repeatedly) stems more from denial of the situation. Like re-writing the past will make it true.

[Anonymous]

I have a family member like this. I honestly think there's something about being in the finance industry that fucks people up and turns them into compulsive liars.

[Anonymous]

I guess I was just annoyed by the whole lunch. I was so looking forward to it as it's been years and ended up pissed by the end. He went on and on about how hard he works (see above), while criticizing me for being burnt out enough to leave investment banking after a decade. Meanwhile I'm trying to be polite and refrain from mentioning -- you burnt out of banking in ONE year and you're giving me grief bc I want a normal life?!

[Anonymous]

I'm 48 and around age 35 I got rid of my last competitive friend. Life is just too darn short for all this BS.

My high-school competitive friend actually fired ME when I was 32, after I put up with years of all her high maintenance BS. She couldn't handle that I had a baby before her. Took one look at my baby, and I never saw her again. After all her years of BS. That was a real eye-opener.

I would have gotten rid of the last competitive friend sooner, but first I tried distancing and it didn't work (we were geographically close so it was hard to pull off). I tried telling her directly and she twisted it around, and then when I tried again, I kept chickening out. Then she needed a hysterectomy (not for cancer) and I couldn't leave her when she needed help. We put her up in our house to recover. Then when she was better, I tried distancing again, and it wasn't working, and then she said something--a cut down of me, etc--in front of my kids.

And I thought, "I can NOT model this toxic relationship for my kids. I can't show them that it's ok for me to be treated like this."

And I thought, "OK, I'm a lame person who can't get the guts up to tell her in person, but I've got to get her out of my life. So I'll be a coward but get it done." So I wrote her an email saying I needed a break from the friendship for a while.

It was the right call. That person is not only a total drain on you, but that person is taking up the time/space of some other really cool, noncompetitive potential friend.

[Anonymous]

I went through something similar to you and had a similar outing with a college friend of mine. I walked away from it thinking about how fortunate I am for the friends (and colleagues) that I have in my life now. My current friends were saying -- I don't care what you do for a job, I want you to be happy and if you're burnt out you need to take care of yourself. Don't get me wrong, they're not yes-women -- they have all told me that if/when I get to the point where I ought to be re-engaged professionally, they will kick me in the a$$ to get me going if needed.

Contrast that with a college friend (who has always had fabulous lifestyle jobs) whose ONLY reaction was -- we're Harvard grads, we don't take time off. Decided to pull away from the friend who made me feel like a loser and would not listen to what I wanted or needed, in favor of friends who actually cared about me as a person.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I've posted about her a couple of times on DCUM. I've let the friendship fade as much as possible (impossible to let it fade completely due to the circumstances of the friendship) and I pretty much just am polite when we're together. I don't believe a word that comes out of her mouth, and sadly I know quite a few people feel that way.

I know it stems from insecurity and a low self esteem (both of which she's discussed) and someday I hope she'll get herself into therapy as the insecurity and low self esteem impact her in so many ways, not just losing friendships. It's sad because I feel bad for her in many ways.

[Anonymous]

Yes! And no. I let her go and never looked back.

[Anonymous]

A friend and my SIL are both competitive usually about money. I don't think they are making things up but I find it annoying and horribly tacky. Just really don't care about materialistic stuff. I should introduce them to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes! And no. I let her go and never looked back.

+ a zillion

[Anonymous]

While some old high school and college friends take the approach of -- we all came from the same place, I want all of us to be happy and successful in whatever we do -- there are others who have the view of -- I must prove I did better than these people. I generally have drifted away from the latter category, as my view is -- life is too short, we're all successful in our own ways, let's just enjoy each others' company.