Taking charity from family?
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Anonymous
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My in-laws (who I love, and love to see) all live far away from us (CO and CA), and insist on all of us getting together once a year. This is my DH's parents, his sister and her family, and his brother and his family. I don't know the details of everyone else's financial situations, only the rough outlines, but our family is by far the most cash-poor as we are paying back an insane amount of student loans. And it's not like we're overpaying and can just put back that money for a couple of months to take a trip -- our minimum payments on our student loans exceed our mortgage. We cannot afford to make any trips this year (probably won't be able to next year or the next either, but I'm trying to take it one year at a time). We say this almost every year, and every year my in-laws suggest various ways to make the gathering happen anyway and we end up taking charity to keep the peace. One year everyone came here and my MIL and FIL paid to rent a house for all of us. Other years they have paid for or heavily subsidized our plane tickets. This is really embarrassing to me and I wish they would stop. I know they want to see us, and I wish we could afford to see them, but it feels unfair (to my SIL and BIL) and humiliating that everyone else can afford to make this trip and they force us to accept their charity year after year. If we were able, we would make this trip our top priority once our basic living expenses and bills are taken care of, but it just is not in the cards for a few more years at least. I get their perspective -- in the meantime, our kids grow up and the cousins don't know each other. It sucks.
DH doesn't seem to mind this situation as much as I do, and he has a point -- we accept similar charity from *my* parents and I don't mind that. Am I wrong to feel this way? I just feel like their insistence on seeing us every year puts a spotlight on our financial problems that I would prefer not be shone on them. We are working on it, but we are in a very deep hole and it is going to take a long time to dig out. In the meantime, we are on a shoestring and it is hard enough to feel guilty about all the things I can't give my own children without having to worry about DH's whole family too. I said this above but let me reiterate: I love my in-laws and love spending time with them. If we could afford it I would go see them 3-4x a year. This is not about not wanting to see them, it is solely about money. Thoughts? |
Anonymous
| If the situation was reversed and you were the one who helped subsidize another family memebr you wanted to see- how would you feel? |
Anonymous
| I grew up as you described. My grandparents helped (read paid) for things for my parents (tix to see them on vaca, portions of a car at one point etc...). My parents do the same for my family. I, in turn, will turn around and do the same for my own children and their families (whether they have the money or not). This is just how I was raised. I kinda feel like we are doing a pay it forward type of thing. However, it does bother me if IL's help out because I feel they stand and expect to be given the same from us (and we have done that in the past). I've just not experienced the expected payback from my own family (and I would not expect it from my children either). I guess it's just perspective. |
Anonymous
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Well first of all, no one is -forcing- you to accept anything, even if it may feel that way. I highly doubt any of them really mind (especially your SIL and BIL, and if so, who cares) and they enjoy the opportunity to see family. Think about what the PP above said. If you had children and grandchildren who couldn't afford to see you and you were in a position to help, wouldn't you want to?
Also, if you take similar assistance from your parents, then yes, it does feel a little hypocritical. |
Anonymous
That's a good question. I don't know how I would feel because I've never been in the situation of being the flush one, but I'm a pretty frugal person (partly by disposition and partly out of necessity) and I imagine that I would secretly feel resentful and think they were deadbeats and that they should have made better choices in life. Which is all true, we should have, and I don't want anyone else to suffer for our mistakes, even if they can afford it and even if they offer. That's why I hate this situation so much -- I know they must look askance at us. |
Anonymous
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Do they make you feel at all guilty for accepting help? Are there other forms of strings attached? Is it just that you don't like the ILs knowing much about your financial situation?
The thing is, if you can get over the shame you're feeling, what your ILs are doing is pretty wonderful. It's hard to get family together, and, assuming everyone has the vacation time, they are willing to invest their own money to make it happen. And you say yourself you enjoy it. Can you have DH be the one to be the point of communication on all this? I get the sense this is more about the stress you feel over your financial situation, not about the family, and thus the challenge before you is to find some peace with the financial situation you're in. |
Anonymous
I honestly think you are projecting. At least in my family, I know that we would all do whatever we could to see the others if one family couldn't afford as much. You love seeing them, they love seeing you and their grandkids - I really don't see the issue here. You will catch up to seeing them more often when you can. Is there anything leading you to believe they are judging you, looking askance, etc? If they're blabbing and complaining openly about your financial situation, that's one thing, but from your posts it certainly doesn't seem as though that is the case. |
Anonymous
It's entirely possible that I am projecting -- that's why I wanted to post here, to get a reality check. Thanks for your response! |
Anonymous
OP here: Very well put - I think you're right. We are also the most cash-poor among all of our social circle, so I have that pressure and anxiety all the time. A sense of peace about it comes and goes. The beginning of the year is always the most stressful time because I have to redo our budget, calculate withholding, do our taxes for the previous year, etc. Adding to that, our situation has gotten worse each year for the past three years, so it feels like we aren't making any progress and are going backwards. There are no other strings attached and they don't do or say anything to make us feel guilty during the time we are together. |
Anonymous
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1) It's not charity -- it's parents helping kids BECAUSE THEY WANT TO(our HHI is close to $200,000 and my mom sends my DH $50.00 checks for his birthday) because SHE WANTS TO!
2) Be glad they love you and want to see you 3) One day you will be blessed and happy to do stuff for your kids that they cannot do for themselves or can but you do anyway BECAUSE YOU WANT TO! |
Anonymous
| Too bad they don't help you all out during the year instead of insisting on a once a year expensive blowout. |
Anonymous
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Firstly, this is not what I think of as charity. Secondly, your husband makes a good point about that you have no problem accepting help from your parents. Thirdly, I am the most well off of all my siblings (and husband's siblings). I learned LONG ago to never offer what I'm not happy to give. Therefore, if I offer to fly you to our Maui vacation home so you can vacation with us, I will think of it when making the plane reservations, and then never again. I focus on how much fun I'm having being with the people I love, and am thrilled to be spending money on time with loved ones rather than on shoes or some other bullshit.
Accept their offers, say thank you and be graceful about it, and let it go. |
Anonymous
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Think of it as them giving a gift to themselves--they value this family vacation and would be upset if you didn't come. They want you to come. Unless the money comes with major strings or they try to make you feel bad about it in some way, accept gracefully and have a good time.
Also, if you accept similar charity from your own parents but are "humiliated" by accepting it from your husband's parents--then it's not about the principle, it's about something else. And you need to deal with that without punishing his parents by denying them family time. |
Anonymous
| My family helps with some big stuff. We have savings but don't like to touch that (nor do they want us to). My husband is not used to it and gets funny but to me its family and just your future inheritance. |
Anonymous
+1 |