When you realize your child will never have a sibling (not by choice)

[Anonymous]

It's that time of year when parents of +1 post pics of kids holding hands, smiling, etc. I'm not a sentimentalist and grew up as a happy only child, but that image of holding hands, really struck a nerve. My kid won't have a sibling.

[Anonymous]

Eh. I have siblings and while I am glad they are there, they come with issues too. I was an "only child" at Thanksgiving because my siblings were with their inlaws and it was FANTASTIC. (I am the least favorite child so when any of my sibs are around I get the shaft.)

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I too am a happy only child who may end up with an only child despite wanting another. I try to focus on the fact that I was perfectly happy as an only child. Which isn't to say that I couldn't have been happy with siblings - just that their absence did not make me unhappy. In my eyes, the potential second child is more of a loss to me (and DH) than to our first, possibly only, child.
But none of that will soothe the pangs when you are reminded of what you might not get, of course. Be kind to yourself and don't pile on by feeling guilt toward your child.

[Anonymous]

It hit me hard one day when I took my one-year-old to the park, and there was only one other kid there, a boy about 6 or 7 years old, and the mom was sitting on the bench reading a book, while the boy played by himself. I suddenly realized that will likely be my kid: no built-in playmates.

Then again, my brother was 6 years older than me, so we didn't play together very often. I remember some lonely days, but I also remember playing with friends almost every single day. But, yeah, I feel sad about it a lot.

[Anonymous]

I have a brother who is very close in age to me and it hurts me but I am a single mom and cant afford another one

The older my son gets the more the empty feeling becomes... I keep waiting for it to get better and go away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It hit me hard one day when I took my one-year-old to the park, and there was only one other kid there, a boy about 6 or 7 years old, and the mom was sitting on the bench reading a book, while the boy played by himself. I suddenly realized that will likely be my kid: no built-in playmates.

Then again, my brother was 6 years older than me, so we didn't play together very often. I remember some lonely days, but I also remember playing with friends almost every single day. But, yeah, I feel sad about it a lot.

Having siblings doesn't guarantee playmates. My brothers were too old to okay with be and my sister detested "the competition" from the day I was brought home from the hospital. We fought our entire childhood and still in our 40s do not get along.

You get what you get.

[Anonymous]

All I want for christmas is a sibling for my daughter.

[Anonymous]

I dunno--I don't like thinking of siblings as something you give your child. I have a sibling, but my parents didn't have him because they wanted me to have a sibling, but because they wanted another child and felt they could care for one. Frankly, I would have been perfectly happy as an only child. You never know if your kids will get along or not.

My brother and I were playmates when we were younger, but now we're not close and we have basically nothing in common. He has ASD and some other issues and I will probably have to take care of him to one degree or another for the rest of his life. I was a good kid--did well in school, no behavior issues, but I was frustrated growing up because his issues took up so much of my parents' attention and time. They were constantly looking for activities or things to help him, and he would get things that I really wanted (that he didn't want or appreciate) like music lessons.

We now have one child and while my husband would theoretically like to have more (he is one of four) I don't think it's in the cards for us for a variety of reasons. But I don't think my child is deprived--we'll have to make more of an effort to facilitate friendships and social stuff, but she's an outgoing little kid and I think she'll be fine. And I feel like our family is whole, not incomplete. She fills my heart, and our little family is a blessing to me. Why would I focus on what I don't have instead of the amazing little girl I do have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dunno--I don't like thinking of siblings as something you give your child. I have a sibling, but my parents didn't have him because they wanted me to have a sibling, but because they wanted another child and felt they could care for one. Frankly, I would have been perfectly happy as an only child. You never know if your kids will get along or not.

My brother and I were playmates when we were younger, but now we're not close and we have basically nothing in common. He has ASD and some other issues and I will probably have to take care of him to one degree or another for the rest of his life. I was a good kid--did well in school, no behavior issues, but I was frustrated growing up because his issues took up so much of my parents' attention and time. They were constantly looking for activities or things to help him, and he would get things that I really wanted (that he didn't want or appreciate) like music lessons.

We now have one child and while my husband would theoretically like to have more (he is one of four) I don't think it's in the cards for us for a variety of reasons. But I don't think my child is deprived--we'll have to make more of an effort to facilitate friendships and social stuff, but she's an outgoing little kid and I think she'll be fine. And I feel like our family is whole, not incomplete. She fills my heart, and our little family is a blessing to me. Why would I focus on what I don't have instead of the amazing little girl I do have?

NP here. I get what you're saying, but for some people, they don't feel like their family is whole, just as you dofeel like yours is.

[Anonymous]

I'm close to my sisters and my kids are close to one another -- that's lovely, of course, but I know many people who aren't great pals with their sibs, including my DH. I also know many happy kids and adults who are onlies. Among my children's friends there are several onlies whom I've watched grow up into teens and young adults with especially close ties to their friends. I think their parents always made an extra effort to welcome their kids' pals and get to know their parents and even their sibs. We feel fortunate to have their friendship.

[Anonymous]

I am in the same boat as OP, feeling a little sad that my kid will probably be an only. I've been talking to a lot of onlies and parents of onlies and get a lot of comfort from their experiences. It seems like many people have more negative than positive experiences with siblings. While there are lessons learned there, it seems true that it isn't always a blessing to have a built in playmate. Many people I speak to never got along with their sibling and don't now. Maybe they're just trying to make me feel better.

[Anonymous]

Society (and biology!) makes us think that having more kids is the way to happiness. There are many, many threads about happy and well-adjusted adult onlies. Research backs this up. Close sibling relationships are great, but there is never any guarantee that is what you are going to get. Try to focus on the benefits of having an only child, of which there are MANY.

[Anonymous]

I know what you mean, and it's ok to feel sad. I do too. But what can you do about it? This is just one of the things in life that we can't control. You get what you get and you don't get upset. And try to remember, there were probably hours of fighting to get that picture of them holding hands.

[Anonymous]

For those that are (or know) adult siblings who are not close, how are their relationships with their parents?

The adult families I know, it's not just the siblings who aren't close, it's the whole family. And, from what I've seen, it's because the parents weren't particularly emotive with their feelings, which left the kids being that way too.

I've never met a family where all the adult siblings have a great relationship with their parents, yet the siblings do not with each other. Except for some sort of major incident that tears them apart later, like lending a brother money that never gets returned or something like that that causes an immediate problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those that are (or know) adult siblings who are not close, how are their relationships with their parents?

The adult families I know, it's not just the siblings who aren't close, it's the whole family. And, from what I've seen, it's because the parents weren't particularly emotive with their feelings, which left the kids being that way too.

I've never met a family where all the adult siblings have a great relationship with their parents, yet the siblings do not with each other. Except for some sort of major incident that tears them apart later, like lending a brother money that never gets returned or something like that that causes an immediate problem.

All families are different, so there's no good way to generalize. Mental illness, substance abuse, special needs are obvious things that divide siblings. Sometimes it's just a personality thing. My husband is one of three; they were all extremely close to their parents but drifted apart as teens, moved away for school, live in other parts of the country and have very different lives. Nothing is *wrong*, but they're just not close.