Discussing sexuality with your Tweens

[Anonymous]

Hello all,
I recently found out that my daughter is bisexual through her instagram account. How do you discuss this issue with your child?

[Anonymous]

How old is she?

[Anonymous]

She is 12 almost 13

[Anonymous]

What issue do you want to discuss? Her being bisexual? Her providing information about her sexuality on her Instagram account? Her idea of what bisexuality is? If you found out she were heterosexual through her Instagram account, what would you do?

I think that Scarleteen has a lot of useful information: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/the_rainbow_connection_orientation_for_everyone

[Anonymous]

Maybe she is gay, and not bi-sexual?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm concerned about her choice to post it on instagram and that she is hiding it from us, her family. But just bringing up the conversation with her and not making her feel bad about how she feels.

[Anonymous]

First you need to sort out whether or not you are uncomfortable with her being bi, and thats why you are uncomfortable with her posting it. Who has access to the account and how could it really hurt her? Also, keep in mind that the average age for kids coming out now is 13. Thats pretty shocking to us parents, in our day the average age was 26. The world has changed and our kids will benefit from that change. Its a good thing.

Since she posted it, and assuming you have access to her account and weren't snooping, I would assume she wanted you to know and was uncomfortable bringing up directly. If it were me I would raise the issue like "I saw you mentioning you are bisexual, and thats fine, but can you tell me more?" Make sure you aren't judging her. That might involve you making a real effort not to let your own discomfort show.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the advice! Very helpful! I'm very supportive, however her dad is angry and is not supportive at all! I just want her to feel ok about whatever choice she makes. She is struggling at school and now I think this may have a lot to do with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the advice! Very helpful! I'm very supportive, however her dad is angry and is not supportive at all! I just want her to feel ok about whatever choice she makes. She is struggling at school and now I think this may have a lot to do with that.

Maybe she should be seen by a mental health professional, if this is affecting her schoolwork. She's probably struggling with her father and just having trouble with this transition. And I'm sorry about your husband, I hope he comes around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the advice! Very helpful! I'm very supportive, however her dad is angry and is not supportive at all! I just want her to feel ok about whatever choice she makes. She is struggling at school and now I think this may have a lot to do with that.

OP, if it were me, I would probably wait for a relaxed time with just the two of us, and then say, "I saw your thing on Instagram. Did you mean for me to see it?" or even just, "I saw your thing on Instagram..."

And I would be careful not to say "whatever choice you make" -- because sexual orientation is not something we choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the advice! Very helpful! I'm very supportive, however her dad is angry and is not supportive at all! I just want her to feel ok about whatever choice she makes. She is struggling at school and now I think this may have a lot to do with that.

OP, if it were me, I would probably wait for a relaxed time with just the two of us, and then say, "I saw your thing on Instagram. Did you mean for me to see it?" or even just, "I saw your thing on Instagram..."

And I would be careful not to say "whatever choice you make" -- because sexual orientation is not something we choose.

Yes. Also, don't say "we will love you no matter what" because that makes it sound like being GLBT is a disease or learning disability or something. It's not a flaw.

You should tell her that you saw her thing on Instagram and that it's okay with you. Some people love girls and that's great. Some people love boys and that's great. Some people love girls and boys and that's great. What is important is that she have healthy, happy relationships with someone who loves her back.

Then you need to do an STD talk for having sex with another girl. Just because she can't get pregnant with a girl doesn't mean she can't catch something.

(I'm assuming that she has had the birth control and STD talk for having sex with boys. If not, do that too.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the advice! Very helpful! I'm very supportive, however her dad is angry and is not supportive at all! I just want her to feel ok about whatever choice she makes. She is struggling at school and now I think this may have a lot to do with that.

Tell her that her dad is surprised and shocked and doesn't know how to react. He's throwing a little temper tantrum because she is getting bigger and beyond his control. Both you and her are going to need give him some time to throw his fit and then he's going to need to get over it. He's being a baby and I would tell her that he is acting like a baby. I'd tell him that he is acting like a baby, too. Not his life, so he needs to get over it.

[Anonymous]

I'm a lesbian and I went through a similar period (long before it was possible to publish my thoughts online).

This is a delicate situation, because your tween is developmentally separating from you while just beginning to understand her sexuality. I'm guessing she really doesn't want to talk to you about it.

That said, if she posted it knowing you would see it, she may have done it on purpose. So you should acknowledge it, casually and very far away from DH. I would say, as PP suggested, "Hey, you know I saw what you posted on Instagram. Did you mean for me to see it?"

If she turns four shades of blue, step back. "I don't mean to intrude. It's your life. But I do want you to know that I love you and if you ever want to talk about anything, I'm here. Nothing you can tell me will ever change that."

Then sit down DH and tell him to stuff a sock in it. Anything short of loving and supporting her is a huge mistake and something he will deeply regret.

[Anonymous]

1345: thank u for your wisdom! I'm definitely ready to find a sock for DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Then sit down DH and tell him to stuff a sock in it. Anything short of loving and supporting her is a huge mistake and something he will deeply regret.

+10000

True for basically any identity issues she will deal with in her teen years.