Kid wants public HS, we want private (but I'm wavering)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son has thought about it and given you solid reasons that he wants public. I would let him go. You can always switch it later.

My best friend insisted her son go to private when he wanted to go to public and it was a disaster.

My folks wanted me to go to this private all girls high school where they all graduate in white gowns with long white sleeves and 2 dozen roses. I wanted to go to the public high school because I could biked there, I wanted to compete against the boys, and it was much bigger so I did not have to get caught up in cliques and could float around with some anonymity. I was in their IB program and went to Yale. It turned out that having a big drop out rate and other stats associated with an urban school was a factor that went in my favor for college selection criteria. I doubt it was that significant, but there is less of a crabs in a barrel mentality. It seemed like many of my roommates and friends who went to elite private schools also had their share of school issues from eating disorders, suicide, drugs and more money to protect them from the brunt of their mistakes. My younger sister did private school and loved it. Not the all girls one, but another. I think there is something to be said in letting teens have a stake in their future, take ownership of it, and excel in their choice rather than resent the parent when the parent's choice goes wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son has thought about it and given you solid reasons that he wants public. I would let him go. You can always switch it later.

My best friend insisted her son go to private when he wanted to go to public and it was a disaster.

My folks wanted me to go to this private all girls high school where they all graduate in white gowns with long white sleeves and 2 dozen roses. I wanted to go to the public high school because I could biked there, I wanted to compete against the boys, and it was much bigger so I did not have to get caught up in cliques and could float around with some anonymity. I was in their IB program and went to Yale. It turned out that having a big drop out rate and other stats associated with an urban school was a factor that went in my favor for college selection criteria. I doubt it was that significant, but there is less of a crabs in a barrel mentality. It seemed like many of my roommates and friends who went to elite private schools also had their share of school issues from eating disorders, suicide, drugs and more money to protect them from the brunt of their mistakes. My younger sister did private school and loved it. Not the all girls one, but another. I think there is something to be said in letting teens have a stake in their future, take ownership of it, and excel in their choice rather than resent the parent when the parent's choice goes wrong.

Correction I meant "if." And I doubt it could go wrong, but I know some adults who irrationally blame things on their parents. Like they breakup with a first love and they will say it would have never happened if they went into the other school. My brother does that and I have to keep re-directing him that challenges are everywhere and he needs to just work to make the best choice he can. I also like the ideas of the other commenters of widening the pie (more school choices and tours) before dividing it. It's a good business negotiation strategy. You are on the right track in really hearing out your child's wishes.

[Anonymous]

We let our DS decide. We started planting the idea in his head in 6th grade. He was pretty adamant that he wanted to go to public high school. We live in a very good school district (W school), so if it had to be public, it would have been fine. But we really waned our DS to go to a Catholic high school. We started bringing him to open houses in 7th grade. In 8th grade he agreed to take the standardized tests and write the essays for admission, knowing that if was admitted, he could decide to go to his W high school. The results came in and he got into every school to which he applied. By then, he had made his mind up that he did NOT want to go to public high school. I don't know what the reason was, but I believe it was the right decision. He couldn't be happier, and as it turns out, the public schools have only been getting worse for many reasons, so we are also happy. Bottom line, don't put pressure on him, but see if he would be willing to go through the application process, knowing that he could decide when the time comes. If anything, getting into these schools might be a nice ego booster for him as well.

[Anonymous]

I would have him at least go visit some schools, private and your local public, and then if he really still wants to go public, would let him.

[Anonymous]

Your son sounds like a bright young man who has done his research. I would suggest letting him try Sherwood. By winter break you'll have a good idea whether it is the right choice or not. If not, you can contact the private school about switching him in or applying for his sophomore year.

Are you planning to pay for his entire college tuition without loans? If not, then I would definitely let him try at least one year at Sherwood and bank the tuition that you are saving for his college tuition. My parents could afford one or the other, so I went to a public high school and they fully paid for my education at Johns Hopkins (not cheap). One of the best gifts they ever gave me was being able to graduate with a good degree and with no student debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son sounds like a bright young man who has done his research. I would suggest letting him try Sherwood. By winter break you'll have a good idea whether it is the right choice or not. If not, you can contact the private school about switching him in or applying for his sophomore year.

Are you planning to pay for his entire college tuition without loans? If not, then I would definitely let him try at least one year at Sherwood and bank the tuition that you are saving for his college tuition. My parents could afford one or the other, so I went to a public high school and they fully paid for my education at Johns Hopkins (not cheap). One of the best gifts they ever gave me was being able to graduate with a good degree and with no student debt.

This is bad advice. Transferring to a private is very difficult. You are better off trying the private and if it doesn't work, transfer back to public.

[Anonymous]

Good point about college tuition. I hope you are planning on paying in full. I would have been very upset if my parents insisted I go to private high school (with the expectation of also going to a good college) and then left me out to dry with student loans. Put your money where your mouth is at the very least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son sounds like a thoughtful kid!

Like the other posters, I'd ask him to pick out a couple schools (and you pick one or two) to have him consider. Ask him to keep an open mind. Put down some criteria. If honors classes are important to you, put that on the list. If being on the soccer team is important to him, put that on the list. It might be that in a year, touring different schools, he'll have found a private that he thinks would suit him. It might be that he doesn't. It sounds like he'll do fine for himself no matter where he ends up, which would make me inclined to give his opinion a reasonable amount of weight.

You say your DH is less likely to be convinced about letting him go to public. If that were my DH, I'd make sure he was actively involved in the school selection process, including visiting the possible public HS. He should be fully aware of what your son might be giving up in order to go to private, just as you want your son to be fully aware of what he might be giving up in order to go public. You shouldn't be the mediator between your son and his dad. If your DH is private-all-the-way, then your son deserves to have him hear out why he's wrong (according to your son).

NP. This is great advice. Thanks.