Difficult situation - am I doing the right thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a brother with serious addiction issues and I have kids. My feeling is this. I loved my brother even though I hated that he was an addict. But I didnt abandon or avoid him because of it. And I never want my children to believe my love and support are conditional. So my kids knew their uncle. They knew that we all loved him. They also understand that it isn’t a life we wanted for him. So, given that your brother poses no safety risk to your kids, no I don’t think it is the right thing to send the message that you will only support those whose lifestyles you agree with.

To be clear, when my kids are old enough to be on social media, he will connect with them and offer them drugs or ask for money. There is zero doubt in my mind about this. We may have 5 years before this is a real concern, but it is one reason I don’t want them to have a relationship. I don’t think my kids will be able to say no if he asks for money to buy his own kids a present.

So while I have resentment and anger towards him, this is not pure vindictiveness

Thanks op, this helps me understand your concern. If you feel like your children are in danger, you always chose the thing that keeps the kids safe. To me this would either be avoiding him or having them meet him, but not let them be alone with him and explain to your kids that he is a liar. Give them specific examples of when he lied. Explain that he hurt thier grandparents. It is ok to be honest. I woukd even let them know that addiction is the issue. I woukd say it in age appropriate words. But you need to teach them at a young age that they cannot trust him. If you really think he can charm them, keep them away.

DP. I completely agree with the ^PP. I think that if you totally blackball him now then you leave your children vulnerable to when he will contact them in the future. Because he will be manipulative and charming, and he will use their natural child reactions to get them to do what he wants. OP, you need to start talking about him and even having them meet him in controlled environments so that you can manage what they see and how they see it. Otherwise, he will take the ball out of your court and he will be doing what he wants and needs to do to feed his addiction.

[Anonymous]

^^ I agree. My kids SHOCKED me by how much they picked up on similar relative. How much they disliked and did not trust said relative. I expected relative to charm them and destroy them like relative does regularly to others, but they were repulsed (but still polite) and even found some things relative said funny in a "what a loser" way. It has been a GREAT lesson b/c I didn't get exposed to anyone like this as a child, and fell for a guy like this and he almost destroyed my life. I'd say at least give it a try and you may be surprised at your kids' reactions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should spend the time with your brother and parents WITHOUT your kids. Just you without your husband if necessary. It is fine that you do not want your children exposed to your brother - but be smart about it. Don't announce it and add to the drama. Don't be in your parent's face about it, or your brother's - - just don't have it happen. To plan it this way may mean this goal (personal goal of yours) determines all other planning, but do it if you feel strongly. No one is owed time with your kids. Sounds like he tore up his Uncle card a long time ago. However, again - - No Dramatics - - you/this decision can not add to an already stressful situation for the innocent.

This.

I might feel differently if your kids were older but for right now not sure why you can't see him alone. Also asking your parents to make him leave is unacceptable. It's their home and they are all adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents have taken in my mid-40s brother. He has been an addict for 30 years and continues to lie and steal (including from them - money, meds, etc.). He is unable to keep even a menial job and is no longer looking. His personality is very charming, glib, and touchy-feely - exactly what I would teach my elementary-school age children to avoid.

Is it cruel of me to avoid him at the holidays? Parents are devastated. I do not want to watch him snuggling on the couch with my kids. They will not ask him to leave the house for a few hours so we can visit.

I don't see anything cruel about avoiding him. I have a brother that is verbally abusive to me and others, including my parents and his own girlfriend. He got violent a few years ago with me and my dad, and I went 3 years refusing to speak to him, see him, or allow him around my young child.

Last year we all spent brief time together during the holidays, and that is how I now keep it. Because he CHOOSES to be abusive, I limit my interaction with him to group settings and holidays. I do not allow him any time alone with my child. I told my child that we love his uncle from a distance because the uncle has not been nice to mommy, and that we have to protect ourselves from people who hurt us. That we can't allow ourselves to be hurt by people, even family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't go OP. Don't do it. I know it's so hard, but you are doing the right thing. Your parents made their choice, and it has consequences. Don't enable the enablers. I'm sorry. That's so hard.

Wife of addict here.

Blanket statements like this are so easy to make when you don't have a family member with addiction. Come back when your adult child is an addict, and you've cut that child off financially and completely. Then we can congratulate you on not being an enabler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't go OP. Don't do it. I know it's so hard, but you are doing the right thing. Your parents made their choice, and it has consequences. Don't enable the enablers. I'm sorry. That's so hard.

Wife of addict here.

Blanket statements like this are so easy to make when you don't have a family member with addiction. Come back when your adult child is an addict, and you've cut that child off financially and completely. Then we can congratulate you on not being an enabler.

I don't think it's about the "congratulations", but doing the right thing for addict. Sometimes there is nothing you can do. My brother is a addict and has been for years. Our family has been there and nothing changes. It's heartbreaking.

[Anonymous]

Serious mental illness vs addiction are two totally separate things. Yes, a person can be both but don’t approach both the same way.
I have a very seriously mentally ill SIL. She’s been committed several times, she’s bipolar with delusions. As long as she is not a danger to us or abusive, we continue to see her. My children know she has issues “in her head” and things she may say often don’t make sense or can come across very mean, but we don’t snub her, avoid her or shame her. T is a good lesson on tolerance, empathy and compassion.

On the other hand, I have a cousin who is THE poster child of life long addiction. As long as I can remember he’s been high, stealing, in jail, out of work, in court, lying, and charming. The pants off of anyone. He is so smooth, charismatic, good looking, life of the party, everyone’s favorite person, until you realize your jewelry has disappeared or that someone stole your credit card and ran up a bill. Decades of this cr@p. He’s been on pot, coke, heroine, crystal meth, opioids he stole from his dying mother in hospice, benzos, crack and is probably back on heroin. He has been in and out of rehab so many times. CPS took away his kids. He joined a few cults. I mean you name it.

Do I avoid him? YES! I don’t even want him to know where I live or have my phone number. He will break into my house again and steal anything he can resell. I don’t want anything to do with him. And that doesn’t make me a bad person or a bad parent. Unless you have real long term experience with an addict you have no idea the nightmare, scams, headaches and turmoil they inflict on others. All these suggestions of “be nice” or “teach your kids...” don’t have a clue. I am sorry OP is going through this. It really is awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious mental illness vs addiction are two totally separate things. Yes, a person can be both but don’t approach both the same way.
I have a very seriously mentally ill SIL. She’s been committed several times, she’s bipolar with delusions. As long as she is not a danger to us or abusive, we continue to see her. My children know she has issues “in her head” and things she may say often don’t make sense or can come across very mean, but we don’t snub her, avoid her or shame her. T is a good lesson on tolerance, empathy and compassion.

On the other hand, I have a cousin who is THE poster child of life long addiction. As long as I can remember he’s been high, stealing, in jail, out of work, in court, lying, and charming. The pants off of anyone. He is so smooth, charismatic, good looking, life of the party, everyone’s favorite person, until you realize your jewelry has disappeared or that someone stole your credit card and ran up a bill. Decades of this cr@p. He’s been on pot, coke, heroine, crystal meth, opioids he stole from his dying mother in hospice, benzos, crack and is probably back on heroin. He has been in and out of rehab so many times. CPS took away his kids. He joined a few cults. I mean you name it.

Do I avoid him? YES! I don’t even want him to know where I live or have my phone number. He will break into my house again and steal anything he can resell. I don’t want anything to do with him. And that doesn’t make me a bad person or a bad parent. Unless you have real long term experience with an addict you have no idea the nightmare, scams, headaches and turmoil they inflict on others. All these suggestions of “be nice” or “teach your kids...” don’t have a clue. I am sorry OP is going through this. It really is awful.

And you decided that the mentally ill person is to be pitied but the addict has completely control and could stop at any time and is willfully hurting people. Wow.

[Anonymous]

The question is whether the brother will abuse the kids.

OP, what do you think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious mental illness vs addiction are two totally separate things. Yes, a person can be both but don’t approach both the same way.
I have a very seriously mentally ill SIL. She’s been committed several times, she’s bipolar with delusions. As long as she is not a danger to us or abusive, we continue to see her. My children know she has issues “in her head” and things she may say often don’t make sense or can come across very mean, but we don’t snub her, avoid her or shame her. T is a good lesson on tolerance, empathy and compassion.

On the other hand, I have a cousin who is THE poster child of life long addiction. As long as I can remember he’s been high, stealing, in jail, out of work, in court, lying, and charming. The pants off of anyone. He is so smooth, charismatic, good looking, life of the party, everyone’s favorite person, until you realize your jewelry has disappeared or that someone stole your credit card and ran up a bill. Decades of this cr@p. He’s been on pot, coke, heroine, crystal meth, opioids he stole from his dying mother in hospice, benzos, crack and is probably back on heroin. He has been in and out of rehab so many times. CPS took away his kids. He joined a few cults. I mean you name it.

Do I avoid him? YES! I don’t even want him to know where I live or have my phone number. He will break into my house again and steal anything he can resell. I don’t want anything to do with him. And that doesn’t make me a bad person or a bad parent. Unless you have real long term experience with an addict you have no idea the nightmare, scams, headaches and turmoil they inflict on others. All these suggestions of “be nice” or “teach your kids...” don’t have a clue. I am sorry OP is going through this. It really is awful.

And you decided that the mentally ill person is to be pitied but the addict has completely control and could stop at any time and is willfully hurting people. Wow.

You know what is so wow, you. Why don’t you give me your number and I can have my cousin come over and you can treat him all nice and be his friend while he steals from you, lies about it, assumes your identity to get some credit cards, etc. don’t say I didn’t warn you. You can be best friends and you can pat yourself I. The back at how open and kid you are letting yourself and your kids around someone who has been a life long thief, criminal and addict.

I don’t care whether he chooses to use, I had enough. Don’t like it, I really don’t care and shows you have zero experience with people like him. Merry Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious mental illness vs addiction are two totally separate things. Yes, a person can be both but don’t approach both the same way.
I have a very seriously mentally ill SIL. She’s been committed several times, she’s bipolar with delusions. As long as she is not a danger to us or abusive, we continue to see her. My children know she has issues “in her head” and things she may say often don’t make sense or can come across very mean, but we don’t snub her, avoid her or shame her. T is a good lesson on tolerance, empathy and compassion.

On the other hand, I have a cousin who is THE poster child of life long addiction. As long as I can remember he’s been high, stealing, in jail, out of work, in court, lying, and charming. The pants off of anyone. He is so smooth, charismatic, good looking, life of the party, everyone’s favorite person, until you realize your jewelry has disappeared or that someone stole your credit card and ran up a bill. Decades of this cr@p. He’s been on pot, coke, heroine, crystal meth, opioids he stole from his dying mother in hospice, benzos, crack and is probably back on heroin. He has been in and out of rehab so many times. CPS took away his kids. He joined a few cults. I mean you name it.

Do I avoid him? YES! I don’t even want him to know where I live or have my phone number. He will break into my house again and steal anything he can resell. I don’t want anything to do with him. And that doesn’t make me a bad person or a bad parent. Unless you have real long term experience with an addict you have no idea the nightmare, scams, headaches and turmoil they inflict on others. All these suggestions of “be nice” or “teach your kids...” don’t have a clue. I am sorry OP is going through this. It really is awful.

And you decided that the mentally ill person is to be pitied but the addict has completely control and could stop at any time and is willfully hurting people. Wow.

You know what is so wow, you. Why don’t you give me your number and I can have my cousin come over and you can treat him all nice and be his friend while he steals from you, lies about it, assumes your identity to get some credit cards, etc. don’t say I didn’t warn you. You can be best friends and you can pat yourself I. The back at how open and kid you are letting yourself and your kids around someone who has been a life long thief, criminal and addict.

I don’t care whether he chooses to use, I had enough. Don’t like it, I really don’t care and shows you have zero experience with people like him. Merry Christmas.

No, I have my own addict husband to contend with, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Wow, so many bleeding hearts on this thread. I'd be grossed out by an addict uncle getting touchy-feeling with my little kids. I hate people who abuse drugs- there is nothing redeeming about such people. OP, I am sorry but if your parents don't want to do what's right for their grandkids, you have every right to not see them.