SAHM soon divorcing. get job before or after divorce is final? for max alimony and child support?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really does depend on the state. Many states, it's just a formula. He makes x, she makes x and child needs x and parents each contribute x depending on income.

She should look for a job now. She has no idea how long its going to take her to get a job. She will probably move out at some point during the separation, and in some states, the separation period can't even begin until you're living apart. Does she plan to keep the house?

When she does get a job, he can just go and ask for the support numbers to be changed to reflect her income. It is really futile at this point.

And we all "deserve" the maximum amount of support.

+1. And from his perspective, he has been supporting her for a number of years already.

What kind of crap is this? You could easily rephrase that to read "and from her perspective she's been raising his kids for a number of years already." Why do people seem to think that men are "owed" someone raising their children and then act like the mom has been sitting on her ass "being supported." Presumably, this was a joint decision the couple made, but now that the marriage is tanking he's been "supporting her." BS.
Signed, a WOHM but this is crap.

It's 2017. Imagine your H was a SAHD and you were paying him alimony. Could you even imagine a grown man/woman getting money for just being married to you. It's bull. Get a job, support yourself. Child support is a different story.

Alimony needs to go away.

It won't go away and shouldn't. Especially when one cheats and leaves the family. My friend will get alimony for life or until she gets married again. She's on a disability and he didn't see that one coming. He also has to keep a life insurance policy on himself. And she's the owner of the policy so he can never cancel it.

Oh but it IS going away. In fact, for the most part, alimony is already gone. The last remnants is short term rehabilitative alimony, intended to help support somebody who is getting back into to workforce. Cheating has nothing to do with it. Your disabled friend is an unusual case (i.e. her disability is a medical reason that she cannot support herself, although she may be able to work in some capacity, and should be required to do so, or have income imputed from her alimony if that's her choice not to work at all)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's only known a few weeks and she already knows for sure she wants to divorce? What does the DH want to do?

I know she is in shock, but I think she should totally slow play this, go to counseling, etc. and give herself time to get her ducks in a row before demanding a divorce.

OP here- DH wants to continue his long-time multi-year affair/s. That's why she's almost 100% sure of divorce. Her head is spinning it's all happening so fast. He hasn't moved out, so the financial situation hasn't changed yet.
Yes, she knows she has to go back to work. 10+ years ago, he was the one who wanted her to quit to stay home with the kids. Then he ramped up his "travelling" for work, and she handled almost 100% of everything at home for years.
She really doesn't think he'll want split custody- he barely wants to see his kids as it is.

IMHO, she definitely deserves the max financial support from him. He ruined her life. She could have kept working years ago and been so much better off now, but he took that away from her. She will need to work her way back up, which will take years. I know- I'm a high level manager now. I want to help her network again- but at the right time.

While he may barely see his kids now or enjoy them, I am willing to bet he likes and enjoys money. So when he finds out that shared custody reduces child support payments, he will happily accept 50/50 custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really does depend on the state. Many states, it's just a formula. He makes x, she makes x and child needs x and parents each contribute x depending on income.

She should look for a job now. She has no idea how long its going to take her to get a job. She will probably move out at some point during the separation, and in some states, the separation period can't even begin until you're living apart. Does she plan to keep the house?

When she does get a job, he can just go and ask for the support numbers to be changed to reflect her income. It is really futile at this point.

And we all "deserve" the maximum amount of support.

+1. And from his perspective, he has been supporting her for a number of years already.

What kind of crap is this? You could easily rephrase that to read "and from her perspective she's been raising his kids for a number of years already." Why do people seem to think that men are "owed" someone raising their children and then act like the mom has been sitting on her ass "being supported." Presumably, this was a joint decision the couple made, but now that the marriage is tanking he's been "supporting her." BS.
Signed, a WOHM but this is crap.

It's 2017. Imagine your H was a SAHD and you were paying him alimony. Could you even imagine a grown man/woman getting money for just being married to you. It's bull. Get a job, support yourself. Child support is a different story.

Alimony needs to go away.

I'm not even really saying if alimony should or shouldn't go away. It's this BS about he's been supporting her as if he was forced into it and now she's going to pay for being such a slacker. It's that attitude I can't stand. "I'm done with you now, hit the curb" after they apparently made the joint decision that she would remove herself from the workforce. He didn't "support her" out of the goodness of his heart - he was supporting a family while she stayed at home with the kids.

You're acting like all pregnancies are completely planned and orchestrated. Do you know many friends I've heard say 'oops' and giggle when discussing their newest? Please. Male or female, no one should be stuck paying half their income to support another full-grown adult for 5, 10, 15, 20, 25 years. Child support is fine. Alimony = going the way of the dinosaurs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really does depend on the state. Many states, it's just a formula. He makes x, she makes x and child needs x and parents each contribute x depending on income.

She should look for a job now. She has no idea how long its going to take her to get a job. She will probably move out at some point during the separation, and in some states, the separation period can't even begin until you're living apart. Does she plan to keep the house?

When she does get a job, he can just go and ask for the support numbers to be changed to reflect her income. It is really futile at this point.

And we all "deserve" the maximum amount of support.

+1. And from his perspective, he has been supporting her for a number of years already.

What kind of crap is this? You could easily rephrase that to read "and from her perspective she's been raising his kids for a number of years already." Why do people seem to think that men are "owed" someone raising their children and then act like the mom has been sitting on her ass "being supported." Presumably, this was a joint decision the couple made, but now that the marriage is tanking he's been "supporting her." BS.
Signed, a WOHM but this is crap.

It's 2017. Imagine your H was a SAHD and you were paying him alimony. Could you even imagine a grown man/woman getting money for just being married to you. It's bull. Get a job, support yourself. Child support is a different story.

Alimony needs to go away.

It won't go away and shouldn't. Especially when one cheats and leaves the family. My friend will get alimony for life or until she gets married again. She's on a disability and he didn't see that one coming. He also has to keep a life insurance policy on himself. And she's the owner of the policy so he can never cancel it.

None of what you imagine is true is actually true.

Cheating is not even admissible in court, the judge does not care because he is probably banging his law clerk.

He can change his life insurance to ho to his new bimbo.

Her best bet isid he just goes before the divorce.

All depends on the agreement. Always enjoyed the story of divorce of the economist who got Nobel prize for rational expectations (Lucas), where ex-wife were to get half of the Nobel prize if he were to win the prize within 7 years after divorce. He won, 21 days before the deadline, she got half.

[Anonymous]

So she gave up her career because he wanted a SAHM- he got free childcare free housecleaning free meals prepared for him- who knows how often he could travel on a whim thanks to his SAH wife, or maybe she shouldered the burden of grad school or a PHD where he was often gone, maybe his career demanded a transfer far away from family and friends......

He's been cheating on his wife and children and you all are angry at the MOM?

No way. When a family chooses to have a SAH model (as we did), you accept the consequences. Positive and negative ones- like having to pay alimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she gave up her career because he wanted a SAHM- he got free childcare free housecleaning free meals prepared for him- who knows how often he could travel on a whim thanks to his SAH wife, or maybe she shouldered the burden of grad school or a PHD where he was often gone, maybe his career demanded a transfer far away from family and friends......

He's been cheating on his wife and children and you all are angry at the MOM?

No way. When a family chooses to have a SAH model (as we did), you accept the consequences. Positive and negative ones- like having to pay alimony.

It doesn't work that way.
If there is any alimony at all, it is normally rehabilitative/temporary intended to support somebody for a short time while training to get back into the workforce. Only if the former SAHM has literally zero skills and zero intelligence (i.e. could never support herself) would long term alimony be possible.
Even then, she should expect to have whatever job she can get, even if that means working at Starbucks.
SAHM is a perk of marriage that ends when the marriage ends.

[Anonymous]

You're talking about long term alimony- not me. I'm talking about alimony. I'm talking about exactly why the law determines that a sah is entitled to half of the marital earnings. I'd never have to go back to full time work were we to divorce. We also have a pre nup. I'd never have entered into a SAH sotuation without those financial protections.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she gave up her career because he wanted a SAHM- he got free childcare free housecleaning free meals prepared for him- who knows how often he could travel on a whim thanks to his SAH wife, or maybe she shouldered the burden of grad school or a PHD where he was often gone, maybe his career demanded a transfer far away from family and friends......

He's been cheating on his wife and children and you all are angry at the MOM?

No way. When a family chooses to have a SAH model (as we did), you accept the consequences. Positive and negative ones- like having to pay alimony.

Except this is a fantasy.

Most women don't make enough money to cover day care or they are too stressed out being a working mom. They convince their H they should stay home with the kid. Thr H still works 9-5 he is not traveling the world and becoming something he could not be one with a working wife.

Usually he is just being a good guy because the wife "cant image dropping kids at daycare".., he begrudgingly agreed to let her stay home with the expectation she will go back to work when the kids are in school.

[Anonymous]

Well, it's my actual life minus the divorcing part- so it isn't a fantasy for everyone.

You're assuming to know very personal decisions- how could you know who agreed to what or why? And on DCUM- no, the travel and relocate and higher education thing is something that MANY families deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's only known a few weeks and she already knows for sure she wants to divorce? What does the DH want to do?

I know she is in shock, but I think she should totally slow play this, go to counseling, etc. and give herself time to get her ducks in a row before demanding a divorce.

OP here- DH wants to continue his long-time multi-year affair/s. That's why she's almost 100% sure of divorce. Her head is spinning it's all happening so fast. He hasn't moved out, so the financial situation hasn't changed yet.
Yes, she knows she has to go back to work. 10+ years ago, he was the one who wanted her to quit to stay home with the kids. Then he ramped up his "travelling" for work, and she handled almost 100% of everything at home for years.
She really doesn't think he'll want split custody- he barely wants to see his kids as it is.

IMHO, she definitely deserves the max financial support from him. He ruined her life. She could have kept working years ago and been so much better off now, but he took that away from her. She will need to work her way back up, which will take years. I know- I'm a high level manager now. I want to help her network again- but at the right time.

No, she ruined it herself. She made those choices for herself. He can want whatever he wants, and she can always say no, but he didn't force her to do anything for 10+ years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're talking about long term alimony- not me. I'm talking about alimony. I'm talking about exactly why the law determines that a sah is entitled to half of the marital earnings. I'd never have to go back to full time work were we to divorce. We also have a pre nup. I'd never have entered into a SAH sotuation without those financial protections.

No law detemines any such crazy thing "half the marital earnings"

You may be confused about splitting marital assets? That's one and done at the time of divorce.
Post divorce, there is no more "splitting" of assets or income.
Your husband really signed a prenup requiring him to support you to not work after divorce?
Wow where did you find this crazy man!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's only known a few weeks and she already knows for sure she wants to divorce? What does the DH want to do?

I know she is in shock, but I think she should totally slow play this, go to counseling, etc. and give herself time to get her ducks in a row before demanding a divorce.

OP here- DH wants to continue his long-time multi-year affair/s. That's why she's almost 100% sure of divorce. Her head is spinning it's all happening so fast. He hasn't moved out, so the financial situation hasn't changed yet.
Yes, she knows she has to go back to work. 10+ years ago, he was the one who wanted her to quit to stay home with the kids. Then he ramped up his "travelling" for work, and she handled almost 100% of everything at home for years.
She really doesn't think he'll want split custody- he barely wants to see his kids as it is.

IMHO, she definitely deserves the max financial support from him. He ruined her life. She could have kept working years ago and been so much better off now, but he took that away from her. She will need to work her way back up, which will take years. I know- I'm a high level manager now. I want to help her network again- but at the right time.

No, she ruined it herself. She made those choices for herself. He can want whatever he wants, and she can always say no, but he didn't force her to do anything for 10+ years.

I seriously doubt she chose for him to have a long term affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're talking about long term alimony- not me. I'm talking about alimony. I'm talking about exactly why the law determines that a sah is entitled to half of the marital earnings. I'd never have to go back to full time work were we to divorce. We also have a pre nup. I'd never have entered into a SAH sotuation without those financial protections.

No law detemines any such crazy thing "half the marital earnings"

You may be confused about splitting marital assets? That's one and done at the time of divorce.
Post divorce, there is no more "splitting" of assets or income.
Your husband really signed a prenup requiring him to support you to not work after divorce?
Wow where did you find this crazy man!

You know I was talking about marital assets.

And yes- he signed a prenup providing a set time of alimony for every year spent out of the workforce to parent full time. He doesn't need to support me long term- I have my own assets which are also protected in the pre nup(and via inheritance law). But yes, I would be reimbursed in such a way as to make up for lost earnings and to compensate for any career backtracking.

If I were a man you'd be telling me how smart I am to protect myself. Since I'm a woman that means the man must be a sucker, right? Quite sexist of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's only known a few weeks and she already knows for sure she wants to divorce? What does the DH want to do?

I know she is in shock, but I think she should totally slow play this, go to counseling, etc. and give herself time to get her ducks in a row before demanding a divorce.

OP here- DH wants to continue his long-time multi-year affair/s. That's why she's almost 100% sure of divorce. Her head is spinning it's all happening so fast. He hasn't moved out, so the financial situation hasn't changed yet.
Yes, she knows she has to go back to work. 10+ years ago, he was the one who wanted her to quit to stay home with the kids. Then he ramped up his "travelling" for work, and she handled almost 100% of everything at home for years.
She really doesn't think he'll want split custody- he barely wants to see his kids as it is.

IMHO, she definitely deserves the max financial support from him. He ruined her life. She could have kept working years ago and been so much better off now, but he took that away from her. She will need to work her way back up, which will take years. I know- I'm a high level manager now. I want to help her network again- but at the right time.

No, she ruined it herself. She made those choices for herself. He can want whatever he wants, and she can always say no, but he didn't force her to do anything for 10+ years.

I seriously doubt she chose for him to have a long term affair.

She didn't personally prepare for her/ her kids' futures. She left that to the husband. She chose to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's only known a few weeks and she already knows for sure she wants to divorce? What does the DH want to do?

I know she is in shock, but I think she should totally slow play this, go to counseling, etc. and give herself time to get her ducks in a row before demanding a divorce.

OP here- DH wants to continue his long-time multi-year affair/s. That's why she's almost 100% sure of divorce. Her head is spinning it's all happening so fast. He hasn't moved out, so the financial situation hasn't changed yet.
Yes, she knows she has to go back to work. 10+ years ago, he was the one who wanted her to quit to stay home with the kids. Then he ramped up his "travelling" for work, and she handled almost 100% of everything at home for years.
She really doesn't think he'll want split custody- he barely wants to see his kids as it is.

IMHO, she definitely deserves the max financial support from him. He ruined her life. She could have kept working years ago and been so much better off now, but he took that away from her. She will need to work her way back up, which will take years. I know- I'm a high level manager now. I want to help her network again- but at the right time.

No, she ruined it herself. She made those choices for herself. He can want whatever he wants, and she can always say no, but he didn't force her to do anything for 10+ years.

I seriously doubt she chose for him to have a long term affair.

She didn't personally prepare for her/ her kids' futures. She left that to the husband. She chose to do that.

Hey if she knew the law perhaps she already knew she was protected via alimony and child support and retirement.


But if youd rather blame her for her husbands cheating that up to you.