no-sex marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Monogamy sucks. As someone who really is not that interested in sex much with my husband, I'm certainly still interested in sex. I'd love some variety.

However, that is not acceptable in our culture-so I don't go there. I understand how important sex is to my husband so I try to make sure it happens at least twice a week. I would expect that if I were not having sex with him that he would go find someone to have sex with. Who possibly expects otherwise? People do not get married and be expected to live a celibate life! That is crazy.

Monogamy is kind of like democracy inasmuch as it sucks, but less than the alternatives. Overall, I think the benefits of a stable marriage generally outweigh the benefits of a sex life with multiple partners. And, I think, for most couples, non-monogamy destabilizes the marriage.

And, I wouldn't be surprised if your husband had similar thoughts -- that sex with new women might be more exciting. But, it's like Mel Brooks said, "Sex is like pizza - even when it's bad, it's still pretty good." So for most people, I think (monogamous sex + stable marriage) > (polygamous sex + destabilized marriage). However, at some point, lack of sex or crappy, starfish sex can become such a problem that it outweighs the benefits of marriage.

I'm the person you are quoting and I totally agree. I think that sex outside the marriage can certainly work, but for most not in our culture (I do believe it does work for some, as it did my great grandparents who had an open marriage-yes that was back in the 1920s!! she had a boyfriend, he a girlfriend). We are so ingrained with the notion of monogamy from the day we are born that very few marriages can survive outside of monogamy.
My husband agrees with me and I've been very frank with him telling him that I think monogamy is not natural. I know for a fact that he would like to sleep with other women, but we both don't want to open Pandora's box. I'm not sure how either of us would react IRL. I don't want to find out, as we are actually quite happily married.

Yes, I do sometimes preform "duty" sex, but I also know how to keep my husband happy. His mood and his willingness to allow me to really skate on a lot of mood swings and laziness directly relates to how much and the quality of sex he gets. For instance, if I want to lounge around in bed all morning on a Saturday or Sunday and watch DVR episodes of RHWOBH, then all I have to do is give him some dirty filthy sex the night before. The next day? he will happily hang with the kids most of the morning while I lounge around in my pajamas doing absolutely nothing. Men are pretty easy to keep happy. Some hot and sweaty dirty talk reverse cowgirl always does the trick in my house.

[Anonymous]

"For instance, if I want to lounge around in bed all morning on a Saturday or Sunday and watch DVR episodes of RHWOBH, then all I have to do is give him some dirty filthy sex the night before. The next day? he will happily hang with the kids most of the morning while I lounge around in my pajamas doing absolutely nothing. Men are pretty easy to keep happy. Some hot and sweaty dirty talk reverse cowgirl always does the trick in my house. "

Blow job + finger up the ass does the trick for DH!
5 minutes, tops.

[Anonymous]

Affairs aren't for everybody. It sounds like OP wants DH to respond to her, not to open the marriage. DH won't go to therapy or medical doctor when he obviously has low testosterone syndrome, depression or some potentially treatable malady. My sympathies, OP. It's cliche to say seek therapy yourself, but it's still worth considering. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this. I am an X-DW who was in a no sex relatioship with then DH, and we had a lot of good things in our marriage, and it killed my self esteem and relationship that he refused for years to have sex. We have wonderful kids and they are doing great after the divorce. For me, I wondered if my x-DH was closet gay... Ther is no way to :force" someone out of the closet if they dont want to be, but in my heart of hearts I realized this was the truth about DH, even if he would not admit it to me or to himself...


Good luck!

[Anonymous]

maybe he is having an affair?

[Anonymous]

If "duty sex" consisted of dirty talking reverse cowgirl and/or a prostate massage bj, I think I could learn to live with that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If "duty sex" consisted of dirty talking reverse cowgirl and/or a prostate massage bj, I think I could learn to live with that!

I still gotta bring my A game even if it is duty sex. Oftentimes dury sex turns into a great orgasm...I just never do know when I start out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If "duty sex" consisted of dirty talking reverse cowgirl and/or a prostate massage bj, I think I could learn to live with that!

Yeah, baby!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Affairs aren't for everybody. It sounds like OP wants DH to respond to her, not to open the marriage. DH won't go to therapy or medical doctor when he obviously has low testosterone syndrome, depression or some potentially treatable malady. My sympathies, OP. It's cliche to say seek therapy yourself, but it's still worth considering. Good luck!

Op here. Yes. I am definitely not looking for an affair. I do think it's time I went back to counseling myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you are going through this. I am an X-DW who was in a no sex relatioship with then DH, and we had a lot of good things in our marriage, and it killed my self esteem and relationship that he refused for years to have sex. We have wonderful kids and they are doing great after the divorce. For me, I wondered if my x-DH was closet gay... Ther is no way to :force" someone out of the closet if they dont want to be, but in my heart of hearts I realized this was the truth about DH, even if he would not admit it to me or to himself...


Good luck!

Op here. I wondered that too. Flat out asked and was given a response that didn't leave me one hundred percent convinced. But could just be that I am trying to find reasons.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if people know about this... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs

[Anonymous]

He sounds depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's different for guys. It's our job to initiate and not get butt hurt when the women say "no." And, when they say something short of "no," to make sure they don't really mean "try harder" and "initiate better."

Generally guys have more options for sparking the responsive desire of their wives. Get in good shape, make more money, be more decisive and confident, start warming her up earlier in the day, and rely more on actions than words when you start the initiation. And, again, if she says no, don't get all pissy about it. Go do something fun and try again tomorrow.

That won't always work, but (and I'm guilty of this), I think too many guys get in a sexual death spiral when we let our egos get bruised by rejection. It's totally natural, but it's an attraction killer. Lowered attraction leads to more rejection leads to less initiation leads to lower self-esteem leads to more pressure on the sex you do have leads to less enjoyable sex leads to more rejection, less attraction, and less initiation.

If my DW works part time... And I have a stessful job which provides for now and the future.. I get home early to spend time with the kids (2 kids) for extracurricular activities and get them ready for bed. Stay up late to work work for my job. Wakes up with the kids... Help the kids get breakfest and ready for school/camp.. Drives them to school/camp on the way to work.... While the DW sleeps in and slowly wakes up to enjoy her coffee while she reads her email... Do you think the DH deserves some love and affection? I have gotten into shape.. I have a very good salary... The more I put in the less I get out... But I am suppose to do more? And it is my fault that she has not hugged me or given me more than a little kiss on my cheek during the last year...?

In the relationship... Do you feel the DH has to do everything? Your sexual death spiral theory does not apply to all situations. I could share more to prove your theory wrong, but I just don't want to post the private details.

PP here. I'm a guy, and I could talk about how unfair it is that husbands usually have to do the heavy lifting when it comes to the couple's sex life. It certainly can be unfair. Hell, maybe you could even put together a spreadsheet or a power point presentation that makes a powerful argument about how, logically and equitably, she should be initiating sex more often. But sexual attraction isn't anywhere close to that logical.

First of all, don't tie sex to all the effort and money you contribute to the marriage. One is only marginally related to the other. And you'll drive yourself crazy, because if you add it up, hookers are way cheaper.

Leading to the second point: covert contracts don't work. "If I put the kids to bed, wash the dishes, and bring in $x thousand dollars per year; she ought to want to fuck me." Sadly, no.

Do your part around the house and family, because it's your house and family. If she's not pulling her weight around the house, don't pull it for her in hopes that she'll be grateful and have sex with you. Tell her to step up and do her part. Keep the sex separate. Then be the kind of guy she wants to have an affair with. Sometimes that might mean being a bit selfish and a bit of an asshole. Take a look around and look at the types of guys women sleep with when they have options: good looking assholes in many cases. Don't go overboard with that, but keep it in mind when you're wondering why your sex life is in the dumps.

This last PP makes a ton of sense.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think it's different for guys. It's our job to initiate and not get butt hurt when the women say "no." And, when they say something short of "no," to make sure they don't really mean "try harder" and "initiate better."

Generally guys have more options for sparking the responsive desire of their wives. Get in good shape, make more money, be more decisive and confident, start warming her up earlier in the day, and rely more on actions than words when you start the initiation. And, again, if she says no, don't get all pissy about it. Go do something fun and try again tomorrow.

That won't always work, but (and I'm guilty of this), I think too many guys get in a sexual death spiral when we let our egos get bruised by rejection. It's totally natural, but it's an attraction killer. Lowered attraction leads to more rejection leads to less initiation leads to lower self-esteem leads to more pressure on the sex you do have leads to less enjoyable sex leads to more rejection, less attraction, and less initiation. [/quote]

If my DW works part time... And I have a stessful job which provides for now and the future.. I get home early to spend time with the kids (2 kids) for extracurricular activities and get them ready for bed. Stay up late to work work for my job. Wakes up with the kids... Help the kids get breakfest and ready for school/camp.. Drives them to school/camp on the way to work.... While the DW sleeps in and slowly wakes up to enjoy her coffee while she reads her email... Do you think the DH deserves some love and affection? I have gotten into shape.. I have a very good salary... The more I put in the less I get out... But I am suppose to do more? And it is my fault that she has not hugged me or given me more than a little kiss on my cheek during the last year...?

In the relationship... Do you feel the DH has to do everything? Your sexual death spiral theory does not apply to all situations. I could share more to prove your theory wrong, but I just don't want to post the private details.[/quote]

PP here. I'm a guy, and I could talk about how unfair it is that husbands usually have to do the heavy lifting when it comes to the couple's sex life. It certainly can be unfair. Hell, maybe you could even put together a spreadsheet or a power point presentation that makes a powerful argument about how, logically and equitably, she should be initiating sex more often. But sexual attraction isn't anywhere close to that logical.

First of all, don't tie sex to all the effort and money you contribute to the marriage. One is only marginally related to the other. And you'll drive yourself crazy, because if you add it up, hookers are way cheaper.

Leading to the second point: covert contracts don't work. "If I put the kids to bed, wash the dishes, and bring in $x thousand dollars per year; she ought to want to fuck me." Sadly, no.

Do your part around the house and family, because it's your house and family. If she's not pulling her weight around the house, don't pull it for her in hopes that she'll be grateful and have sex with you. Tell her to step up and do her part. Keep the sex separate. Then be the kind of guy she wants to have an affair with. Sometimes that might mean being a bit selfish and a bit of an asshole. Take a look around and look at the types of guys women sleep with when they have options: good looking assholes in many cases. Don't go overboard with that, but keep it in mind when you're wondering why your sex life is in the dumps. [/quote]

Whoa! You want guys to be AHs? This is the kind of stupid advice only DCUM regulars can give. OP, if you want a divorce, follow this guy. PP, get your head out of your AH!

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]Not sure if people know about this... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs[/quote]

Love and Belonging seem applicable here to both parties, but when one shuts down, what's the other party to do? She said DH won't go to doctors/therapists or listen in conversations. You can't have a two-way conversation or two-way love relationship when one party is that withholding.