Delivery Room Drama

[Anonymous]

OK, you are the highest priority person during labor. If you really wanted your mom there, and DH didn't, you trump him. But your husband is the second highest priority person. If you don't care one way or the other, and he dreads having her there, it is a very bad idea to have her there. Men don't seem to talk about this much, and I'm sure they don't all feel this way, but labor can be a very harrowing experience for them. They can feel helpless and powerless and scared for their wife and child in a way that it totally disorienting and familiar. It took a while for my husband to describe how it felt for him, and since then other men friends have said the same thing. It's a bad idea to add stressors into this situation for him (again, UNLESS it's for your clear benefit -- your needs do trump his during labor).

Tell your mom you're sorry because you know how much she wants to be in the delivery room, but you (don't pin this on DH) aren't comfortable with anyone besides DH being there. (Do check the hospital policy, though -- that would be the easiest way to shut her down.) Then, no matter what, refuse to engage in conversation about it. If she wants to agonize and argue about it, change the subject. If she continues, tell her you have to go. Repeat repeat repeat.

And as a fellow woman with with complicated boundary issues with my mother, I totally agree with PP that you should consider therapy for addressing this at some point soon. I was amazed at how crazy things got with my mom once I became a mom. I didn't expect it at all, and it's been hard -- the power struggles, the miscommunication. So start practicing being assertive and calm and firm now, OP. It's hard but you have to do it or it just gets worse.

[Anonymous]

Listen OP, I am someone who has a difficult MIL and it's SO IMPORTANT for your marriage for you to put your DH first. Like the PP said, your family is now you, DH and your CHILD. Mother is part of it, but she is extended family now.

Also they will not let anyone but DH in the room when they pull baby out from c-section. They will not let Mother in the room.

As others have said, a difficult mother or MIL gets worse once you have a kid. Set boundaries now. I know you love your mom, but for the sake of your child and your marriage, please put them first.

[Anonymous]

Mother of four here. I don't understand why any woman would want and audience during delivery. Dh and I told both sets of parents that we were the only ones who would be in the delivery room (aside from the dr and nurses), and I joked that I would love to figure out a way to avoid being there myself. We said they could hang out in the waiting room if they wanted to (and my folks and sisters did...and I was happy to see them afterwards and I was glad they were around to take pics of the baby...especially after my c-section deliveries). My family and dh's family staggered their visits in the hospital (I had a few sections and did longer hospital stays), and it was helpful having someone else around so dh could go home to shower, eat, check on the other kids. If you end up with a c section you will need someone with you to help change diapers, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, we've said a lot. What is your thinking?

OP here, I know PPs are right and I should put my foot down, but I dread having to tell my mother that I don't want her there (or really that DH doesn't). She will lay on the emotional guilt, and even though I know what she is doing, it still makes me feel bad. On the other hand, I also do not feel right about lying and, say, pretending that my c-section is scheduled for an earlier date and opps, I went into labor early. Lying is very tempting though.

First of all, you cannot tell her that it is your DH who doesn't want her there. You have to think longer term now. You and DH are a unit, along with your children.

Secondly, you aren't saying that you don't want her there. You are saying that the two of you want to have private family time for a few days and, besides, the hospital will not allow two people in OR. This isn't a vaginal labor, it's a c-section.

Third, you need to decide now how you will handle her guilt tripping you as a grandmother. You can dodge it now, maybe, but you can't dodge it forever. You're an adult. Tell her your plan and don't allow her to berate you.

+1 to all of this post, but especially the bolded parts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, we've said a lot. What is your thinking?

OP here, I know PPs are right and I should put my foot down, but I dread having to tell my mother that I don't want her there (or really that DH doesn't). She will lay on the emotional guilt, and even though I know what she is doing, it still makes me feel bad. On the other hand, I also do not feel right about lying and, say, pretending that my c-section is scheduled for an earlier date and opps, I went into labor early. Lying is very tempting though.

OP, consider this practice for future boundary-setting with your mother. Be kind and direct with her, and just accept that you're going to feel really crappy doing it. But do it anyway. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, we've said a lot. What is your thinking?

OP here, I know PPs are right and I should put my foot down, but I dread having to tell my mother that I don't want her there (or really that DH doesn't). She will lay on the emotional guilt, and even though I know what she is doing, it still makes me feel bad. On the other hand, I also do not feel right about lying and, say, pretending that my c-section is scheduled for an earlier date and opps, I went into labor early. Lying is very tempting though.

If you don't start standing up for your new family now, things can and will get much worse. Your mother, if mature and not selfish, will understand. You do not need to allow her to manipulate you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The last thing you will be needing is stress. You will be healing from serious surgery and stress impedes the healing process. If you do not need your mother's help, tell her the date to come is a week after the C-section or a week after you get home from the hospital. If she starts carrying on, tell her "I'm sorry you're upset, but I just want to work on being a family of 3 and bonding for a few days before anyone, even grandparents, come to visit. We'll look forward to seeing you on February 23rd. Please let us know by the 20th if you'll want to be picked up at the airport or get your own ride."

Yes, this. A c-section and the recovery period is tough. You do not need any stress between your DH and your mom.

DH wins with this if he'd prefer not to have you mom there. She can come later.

[Anonymous]

Definitely DH. Period. No discussion. Mention it to your OB and your OB can reiterate it to your mother at the hospital if she is there while you're in surgery. And PPs are correct, hospitals allow only 1 support person in the room for a c-section because it is not a delivery room, it's a surgical suite. The last thing the anesthesiologist or OB need to deal with is a diva third party.

Also, I totally agree with having her come a week or so after baby is born. If DH is planning on taking time off, believe me, the last thing you want it her and him in the house at the same time. I speak from experience. My DH is rather tolerant and my mother is a big help in regards to meals/cleaning/etc but they did not mesh very well. Also, you will likely be in the hospital for 3-4 days after baby is born which leaves DH and MIL together. Alone. Sounds that that won't be a good mix. Now if your Mom is the type to pitch in, do laundry, prep meals and freeze them, etc, by all means, that is helpful. If she just wants to sit around and hold her grandchild, no. If you plan on bf'ing, I would definitely delay her arrival by at least a week if not more, just to give you time to get in the hang of things with nursing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely DH. Period. No discussion. Mention it to your OB and your OB can reiterate it to your mother at the hospital if she is there while you're in surgery. And PPs are correct, hospitals allow only 1 support person in the room for a c-section because it is not a delivery room, it's a surgical suite. The last thing the anesthesiologist or OB need to deal with is a diva third party.

Also, I totally agree with having her come a week or so after baby is born. If DH is planning on taking time off, believe me, the last thing you want it her and him in the house at the same time. I speak from experience. My DH is rather tolerant and my mother is a big help in regards to meals/cleaning/etc but they did not mesh very well. Also, you will likely be in the hospital for 3-4 days after baby is born which leaves DH and MIL together. Alone. Sounds that that won't be a good mix. Now if your Mom is the type to pitch in, do laundry, prep meals and freeze them, etc, by all means, that is helpful. If she just wants to sit around and hold her grandchild, no. If you plan on bf'ing, I would definitely delay her arrival by at least a week if not more, just to give you time to get in the hang of things with nursing.

I agree. DH comes first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They aren't going to let her in the delivery room for a c-section. It's one support person only, so unless she is pushing your DH out, that will be able to be blamed on the hospital.

+1 Coming from experience have two and about to have 3 c-section only your partner is allowed in the OPERATING room. You are not in a delivery room but you are in an OR there is NO WAY they would allow your mother in the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, we've said a lot. What is your thinking?

OP here, I know PPs are right and I should put my foot down, but I dread having to tell my mother that I don't want her there (or really that DH doesn't). She will lay on the emotional guilt, and even though I know what she is doing, it still makes me feel bad. On the other hand, I also do not feel right about lying and, say, pretending that my c-section is scheduled for an earlier date and opps, I went into labor early. Lying is very tempting though.

She cannot be in the OR while you have the c-section. No hospital would allow this. Also you go into a recovery room after the c-section and usually they only allow the partner and baby in that room as well....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mother of four here. I don't understand why any woman would want and audience during delivery. .

My mom is an RN with 35 years of experience. I love having her there whenever I go into the hospital for any reason, as she is a terrific advocate, can decode doctor-speak and works well with the nurses. She also watched the EFM and alerted the doc that something was wrong when my son was born (his heartbeat was dropping badly and the actual nurses didn't notice because of the shift change.) Without her there he could have been in serious trouble as DH and I don't know how to read those machines.

I completely realize that my mom is not OP's and I would kick OP's mom out too. I don't want my MIL there. But to make blanket statements about how you can't imagine anyone wanting their mother around is pretty narrow-minded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mother of four here. I don't understand why any woman would want and audience during delivery. .

My mom is an RN with 35 years of experience. I love having her there whenever I go into the hospital for any reason, as she is a terrific advocate, can decode doctor-speak and works well with the nurses. She also watched the EFM and alerted the doc that something was wrong when my son was born (his heartbeat was dropping badly and the actual nurses didn't notice because of the shift change.) Without her there he could have been in serious trouble as DH and I don't know how to read those machines.

I completely realize that my mom is not OP's and I would kick OP's mom out too. I don't want my MIL there. But to make blanket statements about how you can't imagine anyone wanting their mother around is pretty narrow-minded.

The PP you're quoting used the word "audience," not "mother." World of difference.

[Anonymous]

If I were your DH I would be seriously pissed at you for not taking my side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mother of four here. I don't understand why any woman would want and audience during delivery. .

My mom is an RN with 35 years of experience. I love having her there whenever I go into the hospital for any reason, as she is a terrific advocate, can decode doctor-speak and works well with the nurses. She also watched the EFM and alerted the doc that something was wrong when my son was born (his heartbeat was dropping badly and the actual nurses didn't notice because of the shift change.) Without her there he could have been in serious trouble as DH and I don't know how to read those machines.

I completely realize that my mom is not OP's and I would kick OP's mom out too. I don't want my MIL there. But to make blanket statements about how you can't imagine anyone wanting their mother around is pretty narrow-minded.

The PP you're quoting used the word "audience," not "mother." World of difference.

And then she goes on and on about excluding parents, should you like to refer to her actual post.