Boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me :(

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honey, women who are doormats are never very attractive. Why are you giving him all of your power? I know I sound harsh, but I have "been there and done that" so I of which I speak. You need to set some boundaries.

Repeat this to yourself 1000 times and get out of that apartment. Your ex-BF is not testing you he is using you. He want out but he does not want to make a clean break (yet). Maybe he is working on a new relationship and does not know how it will work or he is trying of figure out if he will make it on his own. He is going to keep jerking you around and when he makes a clean break he will then have the excuse that you told you that he did not want to be together.

Leave or have him move out, if he really wants you he will come after you.

Good Luck.

[Anonymous]

Op what you do is treat it like a divorce. 1, he needs to leave the apartment. But that doesn't relieve him of his responsibility under the lease. You can move into a more affordable place but he shares the obligation to find a sub tenant with you.

Close any joint accounts. Again, he is 50% responsible for the debt.

Tell him you love him but you accept his heartbreaking decision and now must act accordingly. Let him see the reality of what he is losing. Make a plan and go through it. Date. A lot. Have fun. Look for a man who wants the same things you want (marriage, children?)

Frankly he probably already is involved with someone else.

If he loves you this will be the wake up call he needs. Sometimes a man needs to lose you to appreciate what he had. Grass is always greener as they say.

Best thing I ever did was break up with my husband when we were dating. After years of being non committal, it was the wake up call he needed.

[Anonymous]

If he loves you this will be the wake up call he needs. Sometimes a man needs to lose you to appreciate what he had. Grass is always greener as they say

DH broke up with me, I was heartbroken, but after 2 months of angst and some ambivalent behavior on his part I told him I needed to move on with my life. ANd I started too, and luckily he realized that he had lost the best thing that could hapen to him. He came back to me, but the terms were different. He needed to demonstrate his commitment to me--no more wishy washy "I dont know wht I feel" bullshit. But as long as I had made myself available, he didn't know how he felt.

All that being said, I would hate to lead you on. It sounds like this is over. You're also both really young--in this case, the best thing is to deal with it as the PPs have suggestd and move on. you'll get over it and meet someone else who is ready for what you wnat. In the meantime, you need to learn how to build your own independent life--your own friends, activities, credit score, etc. I think it could be a very good thing for you. Finally, its natural that he's going to express some "confusing" behavior right now--don't let this distract you into false hope. He wants to break up? Make him deal with the consequences--sit down, and have a discussion about the finances and ask him to propose some solutions. Make him do some work. First thing is to get your deposit back and transfer ownership of the car in your name. This might be very tricky with financing if he's th eone on the loan. B the same token, he's the one on the hook if you don't pay, so it behooves both of you to figure this out.

If I were you, I'd either ask him to move out, break the lease, or move out yourself to a place you want to be in, but start the plans in motion now.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am very sorry for the pain that you are going through. I guarantee that all of the posters here know what you're talking about, have been through this, and are speaking from experience. Me included.

You have been given some very good advice. Take it, more on and most important, learn from this experience.

You're young, but you (and he) have made some real mistakes with this relationship. Number One: You weren't married, you were playing house. There is a big difference. All the talk he gave you about "marriage and kids someday" is just that. Talk. Next time around (and there will be a next time, I promise), don't shack up and don't intertwine your finances to this degree until you are SURE, and I mean really SURE, that it's the real thing. Signing a lease together with a man that you are not officially committed to is dumb, dumb, dumb.

You will survive. We all did.

[Anonymous]

OP, you could get a million people telling you they've been there done that and it doesn't take the pain away. Give yourself permission to grieve for a little while, and spend a bit of time wishing you could undo x, y, or z, and then start taking action. If, and this is the teeny tiny smallest if, there is a chance he will come back to you, you do NOT want it on these terms. He needs hugs? Fuck that noise!

I dated someone on and off for nearly 8 years. Wasted my goddamn 20's and earliest part of 30's on him. I wanted marriage and he didn't. You MIGHT win him back, OP, but do you want to tilt after the same windmill for a decade before you finally realize that, it's still just a windmill?

But still, easier said than done, I know it because I did it myself. And we all think our situation is different. But even if it is, you simply must take care of yourself right now.

Think of it this way: No matter how you feel, you CANNOT change or control how he is feeling, and no matter how many ways you try to interpret his comments or behaviors as showing hope, no matter how much you torture yourself with things you might have done differently, it's not going to accomplish anything. So focus on the things you can control. Rebuild your life without him; if the fates align and he's meant to be back in it, you can stitch it back together but it will only make things harder on you if you put your face in the sand now. He assumes the lease of the apartment, and you find a new place (unless you can afford the rent yourself). Get your money back, figure out what to do with the car. If you cannot pay the amount due off, you may need to have him sell it and give you the money and buy a new car. Start to figure things out now. Cancel joint credit cards. Etc.

BTW, you can rebuild your credit without him. Do not buy a car from one of those "your job's your credit" places, though. They'll soak you. Buy something used and pay for it outright if you have to.

Sorry this is happening to you, but it is happening. Better you find out now than in your mid 30's. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am very sorry for the pain that you are going through. I guarantee that all of the posters here know what you're talking about, have been through this, and are speaking from experience. Me included.

You have been given some very good advice. Take it, more on and most important, learn from this experience.

You're young, but you (and he) have made some real mistakes with this relationship. Number One: You weren't married, you were playing house. There is a big difference. All the talk he gave you about "marriage and kids someday" is just that. Talk. Next time around (and there will be a next time, I promise), don't shack up and don't intertwine your finances to this degree until you are SURE, and I mean really SURE, that it's the real thing. Signing a lease together with a man that you are not officially committed to is dumb, dumb, dumb.

You will survive. We all did.

OKay, I wrote the PP but I don't agree with the "playing house" poster. I lived with a boyfriend before and, while things did not work out, I was thankful. Ironically, I never lived with the man who kept me hanging for many years. I lived with my husband before we got married, though, and do not regret it!

[Anonymous]

I went through something very similar before I left my H. My BF and I lived together and he broke up with me (what I perceived to be) completely out of the blue. I didn't eat for 2 mos. I got really skinny. I really miss that. Embrace the misery diet. It will get you all your good rebound dates.

Seriousy, it feels like the end of the world now, and if you're anything like me, you'll do a few crazy things in the name of love, but it will pass and everything will turn out fine.

[Anonymous]

"MET" my H... not LEFT my H.

[Anonymous]

Op here,

Thanks everyone for the support and advice. I have to build up the strength to say goodbye. I was extremely happy in this relationship but I'm not the one for him. He hasn't healed from his ex fiancé of almost 7 years ago. He gave her everything he had and she broke his heart. Now I feel that he's still damaged and needs to figure out how to move on. Now i see that i gave him my all and he tried to but couldn't. I let myself die on the inside for 3 days and now I just have to deal with the financial issues before I can continue to heal. It's very heartbreaking to realize the love your life never saw you the same way. Lesson learned: don't join accounts, share money or put anything in each others name. I would try living with someone again but I'd make sure financially everything was separate.
What's even sadder is my dog senses something is wrong. She won't let either of us pet her and is depressed. She seems as upset as I am.

[Anonymous]

Learn one thing from this experience: NEVER combine finances with someone to whom you are not married. It is never a good idea.

Please leave. Find out what it will cost to break the lease and pay it. Get your money back. If things are still amicable hopefully he will agree to let you have your money without any issues. If he gives you a hard time, file a suit in small claims court or consult an attorney or both. Don't look back. In two months you won't care anymore-I promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Learn one thing from this experience: NEVER combine finances with someone to whom you are not married. It is never a good idea.

Please leave. Find out what it will cost to break the lease and pay it. Get your money back. If things are still amicable hopefully he will agree to let you have your money without any issues. If he gives you a hard time, file a suit in small claims court or consult an attorney or both. Don't look back. In two months you won't care anymore-I promise.

Well, it will probably take more than two months to not care anymore, but I promise, yes you will be fine. One day, you will wake up and decide that you're sick of feeling miserable. You will realize what a beautiful day it is and that you want to be happy again. And that is the day that you will turn the corner.