Boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me :(

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend of three years just broke up with me yesterday and I'm heart broken. I haven't eaten and have become physically sick. He said he has been happy in a few months and that the relationship doesn't feel right anymore. He has a lot going on between working his full time job, grad school and his internship. I know he has been stressed out, so have I but we were talking about marriage and kids in a few years. We were attempting to buy a condo last may. He said he needs space to clear everything up in his head and that he doesn't know whether or not we will get back together. My issue here (besides the heart break) is that we just signed another year lease, we have joint credit cards, my car and insurance is in his name and he has my half of a downpayment for our future house in his savings account. Can't forget half the stuff in our apt was purchased together. I'm so scared of losing him and my whole life. I've never been in love like this and I honestly thought we were gonna be together forever. We hardly fight and we always talked everything out but I guess the pressure is getting to him. What do I do?

[Anonymous]

So sorry for the heartbreak. BTDT: it's horrible. If you can't eat try drinking nutritional drinks and taking multivitamins so that at least you can stay healthy through this sad time. Turn to your friends and family for support, too. They'll help you through this.

For your "to do right away" list: get your down payment back, separate your finances, etc. This doesn't mean you can't ultimately work things out with your boyfriend - I hope you do. But since he's broken up with you for now, you have no choice but to act as if you're broken up, and he should respect and respond immediately to your requests to separate finances.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I can tell how heartbroken you are. Unfortunately with this amount of stuff owned or just between you financially, it warrants a business discussion of sorts. I would wait until mid week to let him sit with his thoughts ( and without you to see if that makes him think twice) and then make contact to schedule this discussion. First on deck with me would be the savings, then lease, the car issues, and the stuff you bought jointly for the apartment. You want to do this within a few weeks if not sooner of a breakup because as much as people want things to end amicably, frequently they do turn badly within a month. With gradual resentments and contempt on both sides for things that werent addressed during the relationship, people are often surprised at how these legal or financial issues bring out the worst in their exes. Plus IMO once that stuff is sorted he can concentrate on the things that he needs to clear his head about and be more certain about his decision to leave or maybe to come back and work on things. These types of logistical details sometimes keep people from being able to see clearly and guys in particular in my experience are less able to multitask or think about multiple important things at once. So if you get this stuff out of the way you might have a clearer answer about whether it is truly over or not SOONER, allowing you to heal and move on with your life.
I hope things work out for the best and please take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

just want to clear this up, you have a boy friend that you share credit cards and other financial things with?

if i can use steve jobs last words oh wow oh wow

[Anonymous]

Oh please 13:39, I've been in a relationship for 18 years that we could only make "official" in 2008 (3 years ago today, actually -- 4 days before the good people of California decided to make it illegal again).

After 3 years, we were just as financially enmeshed as OP, because -- like her -- I assumed our relationship was solid.

OP, my heart breaks for you. But the advice here is good. You need to set aside the emotional pain and start fighting for what's yours. Because on paper, a lot of it ain't right now.

And honestly, once he sees you stepping up and dmedning what's yours, he may show more respect. This is your chance to unwind the financial part amicably and fairly -- before it gets ugly.

Because, unfortunately, I suspect you and he are not the only people invovled in this. His sudden need for space suggests that there's someone waiting in the wings....

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice. I know I need to get this stuff settled but I'm so scared to make our break up official. We have 3 pets together and have combined our lives so much that it's painful to come to the realization that the future you thought you have is disappearing before your eyes. He says he loves me but needs space to clear things up.. I asked what he means by space since we live together and told I would wait. He said he doesn't want me texting or calling him and that I should go about the apt as normal but to just let him concentrate on his work when he is home. Basically he doesn't want to hangout and will talk to me in person only. I've stayed strong as much as possible during our conversation but Im dying on the inside. I know I've been stressed the last few months and have been venting a lot to him and that has taken its toll. Previously ive been upset with him about our limited time together and have expressed my sadness when he goes out with friends. I know I've made mistakes but I've tried to fix them as much as possible. He thinks I've made my life about him and that he feels like he's responsible for my happiness. I've tried explaining that I have a life it's just different from his. I'm a homebody and he likes bars, just because I don't want to go out drinking with my friends all the time doesn't mean I'm home crying over him being out.

I just don't know how to plead my case (without crying) and make him understand that I love him, I'm not trying to hold him back from living his life and that I want to be his support system. Maybe I'm just naive in thinking he would actually want me back but I feel if I don't at least try to save this relationship I will regret it.

-op

[Anonymous]

Ouch. He's definitely not showing you the respect you deserve.

I agree with above -- stand up for yourself. Make a list of all your questions, from who moves out to who gets the pets to how soon he plans to title your car to you.

Practice controlling your tears (I'm a crier, too -- but you can do it) and ask calmly for a meeting with him where you can sit down and walk through the issues you need clarified.

You need to accept that this relationship is over, even if part of you still hopes there's hope.

[Anonymous]

#1, get your money back, OP.

Sorry you're going through a tough time.

[Anonymous]

I just don't know how to plead my case (without crying) and make him understand that I love him, I'm not trying to hold him back from living his life and that I want to be his support system. Maybe I'm just naive in thinking he would actually want me back but I feel if I don't at least try to save this relationship I will regret it.

-op


I think that you need as ask yourself whether the relationship is worth saving. Based on what you wrote in subsequent posts it looks like you have some compatitibility issues, dont you think that you would be better off with someone who shares the kind of life that you want. Also, I think that it is a bit unfair of you to not expect him to feel some guilt burden at the fact that you stay at home while he goes out with friends. I think that you shoud just let him go and see whether he come back to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, Run -- don't walk -- to your nearest book store and purchase a copy of The Rules. They are not necessary for most women but will make a huge difference for you. This book will help you recognize this breakup, (which, please don't fool yourself, is permanent) as the blessing in disguise that it is and prevent you from repeating this pattern in future relationships. Everybody is going to tell you this book is stupid but you really need it.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP but you need to move on. He just doesn't feel the way you do. It's hard to believe when you feel so much for someone but this is not going to change. Don't try to get him back. Be strong.

[Anonymous]

OP just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your heartbreak. The best thing you can do is assume that the breakup is permanent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice. I know I need to get this stuff settled but I'm so scared to make our break up official.

-op

My observation is that you don't have to worry about making it "official." When someone says they don't want to be together anymore, THEY have made it official. The rest is just a matter of dividing up the CDs.

At the risk of sounding a bit harsh in this format, it sounds to me like you are in denial. By saying that you think if you don't try to show him how much you love him, you will regret it - well, I would say he knows this already. He did not break up with you because he felt you were cold or not into him anymore, right? This is about HIM. There is really nothing left for you to say. Try to keep your dignity here. You have 1 job right now: protect yourself, and your financial interests. Separately you can look or listen for openings to make your case, but all you really need to say if you haven't already is that this is not the outcome you want. If he is so turned off by the idea that you have no life outside of him, don't play into that by groveling for his return! Stay out late this week even if you have to sit in a movie theater every night or book dinner dates. Get the finances sorted out, cancel credit cards, figure out who owes what and start formulating a finance plan. THAT is what you will regret if it comes back to bite you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm really, really sorry you are going through this. I had the love of my life break up with me when I thought we were going to be together forever. I had no clue anything was wrong and bam! Phone call on Valentine's Day ending the whole thing (phone call, not even in person). I thought I was going to die a million horrific deaths and I did stuff I was NOT proud of (like calling his voicemail and leaving 20 or so completely pathetic messages). Stuff that wasn't the typical me and stuff I'm not proud of.

So I hope you can be stronger than me and try to walk away from this with dignity. From the stuff that you've written, I get the feeling there is likely someone else. Get your share of the money and go. Or make him go. Whatever is in your best interests. Big hugs, and hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Make him go. He is the one who wants to break up. He should move out immediately and do his "thinking" somewhere else -- a hotel room, a friend's couch -- not your problem. Who knows, perhaps a little time apart will help mend things. But it's not going to happen if he keeps hanging around.