Can a child be super bonded to SAHM even if she is a bad mom?

[Anonymous]

Social worker here. Just wanted to say that often kids are MORE sttrongly attached to abusive/inadequate parents. Makes sense if you consider that kids have to ratchet up attention seeking behaviors in order to engage emotionally distant parents.

Another consideration--irritability and depression often go hand in hand. Perhaps your sis's out of control temper is a sign that she is depressed and needs to get some help. Maybe you could find some ways to give her a break from time to time so that she can get some time to herself, exercise, see a counselor, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, yes children bond to their parents.

[Anonymous]

Neglect is a passive form of abuse.

[Anonymous]

I am impatient with my two children, often don't feel like playing, yell too often, spend too much time on my computer, etc. I'm not proud of any of these attributes, and I am working on them, but nothing is going to turn me into a zen-like parent who will happily say yes when asked to play baby bears in a cave for the two millionth time. However, I do have good qualities as a mother, and I wonder if you are overlooking them in your sister. I will read to my children until the cows come home; I go all-out for the holidays because they get such a kick out of it; I know when I need to apologize to them and I do it; when they have serious questions, I answer them seriously; I am active at their school (fortunately they're still young enough to like that); I try to teach them what I think is important; I tell that I love them every day. I'm not sure what that adds up to on the good mom-bad mom scale, but I know that my children love me deeply, and I love them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am impatient with my two children, often don't feel like playing, yell too often, spend too much time on my computer, etc. I'm not proud of any of these attributes, and I am working on them, but nothing is going to turn me into a zen-like parent who will happily say yes when asked to play baby bears in a cave for the two millionth time. However, I do have good qualities as a mother, and I wonder if you are overlooking them in your sister. I will read to my children until the cows come home; I go all-out for the holidays because they get such a kick out of it; I know when I need to apologize to them and I do it; when they have serious questions, I answer them seriously; I am active at their school (fortunately they're still young enough to like that); I try to teach them what I think is important; I tell that I love them every day. I'm not sure what that adds up to on the good mom-bad mom scale, but I know that my children love me deeply, and I love them.

Thank you for this!

[Anonymous]

What you say about the baby wouldn't worry me at all. Some babies are a bit difficult like that and will only be held by one or both parents (my second was just like that). Totally normal, but tough for the parents.

What you say about the older 2 boys (or 1 boy?) sounds like a slightly stressed out parent but pretty normal too. Make sure you are not just seeing snippets of the day (I was on the laptop doing Christmas shopping yesterday while the kids nagged at me to play with them, so I'd hate anyone to judge my general parenting skills on that).

My DH gets snappy with the kids when he's tired, but they're not bothered and he's great the rest of the time. It's just normal.

[Anonymous]

13:25 is spot on. You don't have to be Mommy Sunshine all day long with your kids to be a good mom.

Now MY sister is a bad mom. She's bipolar (untreated), and has abandoned two sets of kids to run off with (two different) men. As in literally left them abandoned on the street. And let the stepfather of set 1 of kids abuse them. THAT is a bad mom. A bad mom is a crack addict who pimps her kids out for drug money. A discontented, possibly depressed woman who does not want to spend her child's every waking moment interacting with them is not a "bad mom". Is she the very.best.mom.ever, no.

I was a SAHM for several years before going back to work. If you are not the outgoing type, it can be very isolating. She's probably feeling lonely and cut off from her former life and struggling to find a new normal and make new friends. She needs support, not judgment. No one is perfect. Being a "good enough" parent is a highly overlooked skill IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoa... NEVER said she was abusive. Holy cr*p. What I did say is that she can be disengaged with her two boys.

I included SAHM in the title because I wonder if her bond with the baby isn't simply a symptom of how much time they spend together, day in and day out.

I am concerned. Plain and simple. So as for MYOB, is that not the function of an anonymous site? I am reviewing this with nameless beings - not my sister.

Lastly, I am simply trying to calibrate my internal feelings. Her boys are amazing and like I said, her own husband thinks she is a good mom so therefore, I WAS JUST WONDERING.

Wow, your poor sister really can't win, can she? If she had no bond with her baby, she'd clearly be a bad mother. But since she does have a bond with her baby, it's only a symptom of enforced time spent together. What the hell, OP? You seem to be looking for ways to pick apart a parent-child relationship. I think YOU have the problem here. You sound a little koo-koo.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for MYOB.

[Anonymous]

I think I know what is going on... I think by "sister," OP is actually refering to herself. I think she approached the topic this way because she was worried about being bashed, and if she is slightly depressed like a PP aptly suggested, then it would make her feel worse. She mentioned that both the "sister's" husband and her mother think that she is a good mom... I think OP is just wrapped up in self doubt. OP, it isn't easy being a parent and I think you are being too hard on yourself.