Protecting my neighbor from abusive husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My neighbor has been dealing with her abusive husband for months now and I'm at a loss for how messed up family court is in Virginia. They hate women! How are you supposed to leave an abusive marriage?

In November, she called the cops on him and they did nothing. Even though she had videos. She told me they were not concerned by her videos. Then, she gets in trouble because he lies to the police about stuff he did to the house. I don't get it?!?! This area seems so progressive, but she's going to be falsely accused right into jail. I cannot even be her support system because his lawyer shark subpeonas like it's going out of style.

Our entire street has banded together to be her tribe. I'm rallying up everyone i know to help her. We watch him day and night to make sure he knows we all have HER back. Are there any compassionate resources out there for women being abused by the system?

What type of videos? Did you see these videos? Police was not concerned and she still lives with him. It is 2024. No one is a prisoner. It is her choice to stay with him and go around the neighborhood telling everyone how abusive he is.

Classic victim blaming, but I expect nothing less from DCUM.

Here's the thing about DV: the most dangerous time is when you try to leave.

+1

Courts stink in MD and VA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why are you afraid of a subpoena? If you have helpful testimony to provide, why wouldn’t you provide it? If you really want to help her, that’s one way to do it. Credible witnesses who support her claims are invaluable. Whatever you and the other neighbors can talk about based on your first-hand observations is extremely important. Do what’s right, even if it’s hard.

My friend who I'm helping, like anyone, isn't perfect. My friend's lawyer said that cross examination is a real problem and works against victims like my friend.

[Anonymous]

IME as the victim you get all your evidence (photos, recordings, videos, journal) lined uo and filed somewhere safe. You set up a place to land with your kids like a friends house or ideally a furnished apartment and put clothes & valuables there. You find a job if you don’t have one or borrow money for 3-6 months. Then you wait until an incident where he physically hurts you or kids, report to police, file a report, leave with kids (but within state and tell him where you are), file a restraining order if he harassed you, and file for divorce. It’s really all or nothing bc abusers are not deterred by you filing a police report and they will make your life a living hell if you attempt to live with them after doing that (plus the police will not take you seriously if you return).

[Anonymous]

As the neighbor, you can help by installing recording doorbells cameras that point at their house. If you capture anything on video, make sure neighbor can use it legally.

[Anonymous]

Outsource.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My neighbor has been dealing with her abusive husband for months now and I'm at a loss for how messed up family court is in Virginia. They hate women! How are you supposed to leave an abusive marriage?

In November, she called the cops on him and they did nothing. Even though she had videos. She told me they were not concerned by her videos. Then, she gets in trouble because he lies to the police about stuff he did to the house. I don't get it?!?! This area seems so progressive, but she's going to be falsely accused right into jail. I cannot even be her support system because his lawyer shark subpeonas like it's going out of style.

Our entire street has banded together to be her tribe. I'm rallying up everyone i know to help her. We watch him day and night to make sure he knows we all have HER back. Are there any compassionate resources out there for women being abused by the system?

Where in VA. Fairfax should be doing better. check out the women's center

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My neighbor has been dealing with her abusive husband for months now and I'm at a loss for how messed up family court is in Virginia. They hate women! How are you supposed to leave an abusive marriage?

In November, she called the cops on him and they did nothing. Even though she had videos. She told me they were not concerned by her videos. Then, she gets in trouble because he lies to the police about stuff he did to the house. I don't get it?!?! This area seems so progressive, but she's going to be falsely accused right into jail. I cannot even be her support system because his lawyer shark subpeonas like it's going out of style.

Our entire street has banded together to be her tribe. I'm rallying up everyone i know to help her. We watch him day and night to make sure he knows we all have HER back. Are there any compassionate resources out there for women being abused by the system?

What type of videos? Did you see these videos? Police was not concerned and she still lives with him. It is 2024. No one is a prisoner. It is her choice to stay with him and go around the neighborhood telling everyone how abusive he is.

Np. Such an ignorant comment. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Police hate domestic calls because the two people who were trying to tear each other limb from limb moments ago will turn in unison on the police.

It is not your job, or the neighborhood’s job, to “rescue” your neighbor. She knows she can leave. She’s decided not.

It is unwise and perilous to insert oneself into the domestic affairs of others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the neighbor, you can help by installing recording doorbells cameras that point at their house. If you capture anything on video, make sure neighbor can use it legally.

We're also friends and we all have cameras but none of them show him acting in a way that is useful to this case. The entire street pours over footage but it's infuriating. He goes to work, comes home, works on house or yard, and nothing. He's so careful not to do anything out of line in the view of our cameras.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why are you afraid of a subpoena? If you have helpful testimony to provide, why wouldn’t you provide it? If you really want to help her, that’s one way to do it. Credible witnesses who support her claims are invaluable. Whatever you and the other neighbors can talk about based on your first-hand observations is extremely important. Do what’s right, even if it’s hard.

My friend who I'm helping, like anyone, isn't perfect. My friend's lawyer said that cross examination is a real problem and works against victims like my friend.

That’s called due process that you and your friend don’t like, but only when it applies to men.

[Anonymous]

The hard truth is your friend is going to have to sacrifice and give up a lot to leave him. Even if he is abusive she will lose her standard of living and probably half of custody since courts don’t care about spousal abuse the my won’t restrict unless he is also abusing the children AND she has proof.

Until she can accept those losses she’s stuck in this situation.

[Anonymous]

You (and she) should contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for advice on how to help and how she can leave safely.

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/when-a-survivor-asks-you-for-help/

You and your neighbors should be careful, too. You may be putting yourselves at risk of harm by helping her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why are you afraid of a subpoena? If you have helpful testimony to provide, why wouldn’t you provide it? If you really want to help her, that’s one way to do it. Credible witnesses who support her claims are invaluable. Whatever you and the other neighbors can talk about based on your first-hand observations is extremely important. Do what’s right, even if it’s hard.

My friend who I'm helping, like anyone, isn't perfect. My friend's lawyer said that cross examination is a real problem and works against victims like my friend.

Ah. So piecing together the scenario from OP's borderline incoherent posts:

- The police, when called, did not find sufficient evidence to take action against the husband, even when the friend provided “video evidence.”

- The friend is being accused of something that could land her in jail, and she is in legal jeopardy because of claims her husband has made.

- The husband has the right to stay in the house and has custody of the children.

- OP apparently knows information about her friend that could adversely affect the case, such that her friend’s lawyer is nervous about OP testifying.

- Despite OP (and, to hear her tell it, the “entire street” taping all interactions with this couple, no one has come up with any video evidence that can be used against the husband.

I obviously have no idea what is really going on with this family. But it’s entirely possible that OP doesn’t either. The police and justice system could be corrupt, and the husband could be manipulating everyone. Or there may be a lot more to the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Way too invested in this, OP.

Not really. The reason abuse is so prevalent is because there's no support for victims. Everyone is so afraid of "getting involved." She has no family here. So many of us are transplants. Can you imagine being alone while dealing with an abusive spouse who took your kids away?

Good for you for doing the right thing OP.

[Anonymous]

I wish you were my neighbor OP. I am in the same situation. My parents are local and even they don’t want to get involved bc spouse is so unpleasant. I am really on my own dealing with a mentally ill spouse who will not accept that I do not want to be married to him.