oh f off. |
Non-academic kids don't care about other people's academic award ceremonies. And kids who like gaming enjoy long stretches of time at home. If you nonchalantly say that you're taking Younger to an evening thing at school and Older can go if he wants or stay home, I'm pretty sure Older won't mind a bit. |
And where is his father in all of this? |
Thank you for this. |
You get the struggling child the help they need or help them. How is this even a question? |
Because OP is humble-bragging, that’s why. |
Affect them both, OP. Not effect. |
Op is bragging. This is why blended families are tough. |
There is virtually no such thing as a "blended" family, which assumes that everything is homogenized and smooth, so that term is very misleading. It rarely happens in bio families, either.
That elusive family standard is something we need to drop. OP, don't make "blending" your goal. Recognize that your SS is an individual with a different childhood background, likes/dislikes, and skills and abilities. Don't look at his differences from your son like they are somehow lacking - they are just different. More like a stew than blended - obviously different ingredients all in one pot. Don't try and make a carrot a potato. I think your DH is the one who should be taking the lead on his son. Does he make a concerted effort to go out and spend time alone with him? If not, he should. IMO the best thing is to get him out of his room and away from video games. He may balk but your DH should be insistent and find something outside the house the two of them can do together. |
I just wanted to add that this is not about blended families.
I have twins. One is very smart, GT track for classes (twin B). The other twin (twin A) is more athletic and artistic and is a smart regular track student. Twin A spent their younger years trying to compete with twin B academically, and took umbrage when he was not selected for GT tracking classes, when twin was. But as we traversed elementary and now middle school, twin A has achieved a bit more musically and artistically. They both excelled at scouting in different ways. The point is that this has nothing to do with blending families. Bio families still can and do struggle with children of different capabilities. For us, the solution has been to look for areas where the less academically gifted child has talent and skills and try to find ways for them the achieve outside of academics. We got them more active in scouting in large part because they both excelled there and were drawn to different areas where they both achieved. It actually created a bit more bonding because they complemented each other skill-wise and made them value their diversity. We found art competitions and music/band because twin A achieved there. So, while twin B has academic achievements, we found interests and skills that A had and we urged him to participate in those activities where he shone. It's a bit late, but you need to help your step-son work to find areas where he can excel. And they don't have to be school related. If he likes video games, does he like Youtubing? If he is shy on camera, look into Toastmasters or speech/debate or theater where he can get skills that will help him be better at public speaking or presentation and then he might be interested in on-line gaming/webcasting. That's a big thing now. Twin A loves videogaming and has been actively gearing himself up toward being able to Youtube whenever I'll let him get an account (I've told him we have to wait another couple of years before he can be a Youtuber, but he narrates all his game play now and focuses on how to present for recording). The key is not to make the disparities the elephant in the room, and not to focus on what your step-son doesn't do or isn't as good at, but to turn it around and look for areas where he has talents or interests and just highlight them for him. Give him the opportunities to do things he likes and is good at without worrying about what his step-brother is already good at and he is not. |
Find things to celebrate about the older one. Did he get a better grade second semester in a hard class? Finish the year with all passing grades? Participate in an EC he loves (even if he didn't get an award)? Do something kind for others? There has to be SOMETHING you are proud of him for accomplishing. Even if it's a small thing. Celebrate it - make it specific so that everyone knows you're proud of him. All of your posts come across as "MY kid is just SO MUCH BETTER than husbands kid....I just don't give a shit about him or what he's accomplishing because they're not as good as MY KID." He'll pick up on that. |
Find things to genuinely celebrate with the SS. Both when he does well (for himself) academically and in his own interests. Did he finish a new level of a video game? Do something cool on his computer? Make space for his interests and let them be important in your family. Don’t imply (as you do in this post) that your son’s achievements and interests are better or more important than his step brother’s.
And don’t force him to be social in the same way you and your son want to be social. Ask the SS what he wants to do social and support him in it. |
+1 I do think you bring up a great question OP and people who seem upset by it must have some trigger that doesn’t apply to you. I have a similar over/underachiever dynamic with twins and agree with this PP but we lack the extra issue of step and bio. You should still be sensitive but don't read more into the situation or how older kid sees the difference if you are still loving and encouraging of him. Don't lay it on thick praising younger son in front of the other either. He might also see you fretting about being sensitive about this and that would be offensive too so just remind yourself they both need praise and they notice the unspoken feelings. |
My DS never compared about grades, awards, etc. He did win one state award but couldn’t understand why he would put that on his college applications. He said it would be bragging.
He really couldn’t have cared less when his friends won awards. Not everyone is so affected by that so don’t assume the other boy will be shattered by it. |
We have one over achiever kid and two who are not. It has not been a big issue. My over achiever is great but is also intense and anxious and sometimes can be a lot. My other 2 kids are more relaxed and go with the flow. Try to appreciate good things in each kid and enjoy their individuality. Sometimes the late bloomers are incredibly successful later in life. Remember that life is not linear. The best you can do with your step kid is to genuinely enjoy him and show an interest in him. Invite him to activities and events. Kids like to be included and invited even if they decline and don’t want to go. It might take a year before he starts responding to your efforts but don’t give up. Positive relationships are very important to boys. And don’t say negative things about your step kid to your bio kid. Good luck |