Competitive academics - what to tell the smart, hard-working kid who isn't "the best"

[Anonymous]

There's a reason they say the silver medalist is always the least happy.

The gold medalist is thrilled. The bronze medalist is just happy to make the podium. The silver medalist is unhappy they didn't get gold.

[Anonymous]

Get some perspective OP. Some of us have smart but learning disabled kids who are never even going to be sure our kids will go to college at all. Your daughter can cope with not being THE star. So can you. Literally do not give it another thought.

[Anonymous]

I understand where your kid is at. I have three older siblings with than intensity, and I was more like your daughter.

I feel like everyone finds their place and cohort in college. Right now, I would praise her effort and good grades. And be honest that these kids are working harder than she is. Talent only takes you so far. If she wants those awards, she has to do the work. It’s a lesson she has to learn at some point.

[Anonymous]

What's frustrating -- but a fact of life -- is seeing kids who work the same, or less, than you -- go on to "win" nonetheless. But that's not really what you're describing, right? These kids who "win" everything are studying hours more a night than your DD, doing academic programs all summer, blah blah. That's why they are "winning" the academic awards, and your DD doesn't want to do all that. Which is fine! What does she expect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's frustrating -- but a fact of life -- is seeing kids who work the same, or less, than you -- go on to "win" nonetheless. But that's not really what you're describing, right? These kids who "win" everything are studying hours more a night than your DD, doing academic programs all summer, blah blah. That's why they are "winning" the academic awards, and your DD doesn't want to do all that. Which is fine! What does she expect?

OP doesn't really know this.

[Anonymous]

Enter troubadour

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get some perspective OP. Some of us have smart but learning disabled kids who are never even going to be sure our kids will go to college at all. Your daughter can cope with not being THE star. So can you. Literally do not give it another thought.

The whole point of this thread is helping a kid cope with not being the star. Like that's the whole premise -- help me help my kid see that where they are at right now is great and they don't need to worry about these other kids who are winning awards. At no point did anyone in this thread say anything to put down kids who don't go to college, or to make kids or parents of kids who struggle to do well academically feel bad.

You are the one who needs perspective here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get some perspective OP. Some of us have smart but learning disabled kids who are never even going to be sure our kids will go to college at all. Your daughter can cope with not being THE star. So can you. Literally do not give it another thought.

The whole point of this thread is helping a kid cope with not being the star. Like that's the whole premise -- help me help my kid see that where they are at right now is great and they don't need to worry about these other kids who are winning awards. At no point did anyone in this thread say anything to put down kids who don't go to college, or to make kids or parents of kids who struggle to do well academically feel bad.

You are the one who needs perspective here.

Relax jaaanice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's frustrating -- but a fact of life -- is seeing kids who work the same, or less, than you -- go on to "win" nonetheless. But that's not really what you're describing, right? These kids who "win" everything are studying hours more a night than your DD, doing academic programs all summer, blah blah. That's why they are "winning" the academic awards, and your DD doesn't want to do all that. Which is fine! What does she expect?

OP doesn't really know this.

At this point, it is knowable. Thirty years ago there were kids who could be academic superstars without extra effort and supplementing, but that time is over. Now the kids who pull good grades without working do fine, but they aren't top of the class unless you're in some rural or remote school district where academics aren't emphasized. If you want to graduate at the top of the class in a reasonably competitive school, you will have to put in a lot of extra time even if you're a quick learner and naturally good test taker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get some perspective OP. Some of us have smart but learning disabled kids who are never even going to be sure our kids will go to college at all. Your daughter can cope with not being THE star. So can you. Literally do not give it another thought.

The whole point of this thread is helping a kid cope with not being the star. Like that's the whole premise -- help me help my kid see that where they are at right now is great and they don't need to worry about these other kids who are winning awards. At no point did anyone in this thread say anything to put down kids who don't go to college, or to make kids or parents of kids who struggle to do well academically feel bad.

You are the one who needs perspective here.

Relax jaaanice

Who?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand where your kid is at. I have three older siblings with than intensity, and I was more like your daughter.

I feel like everyone finds their place and cohort in college. Right now, I would praise her effort and good grades. And be honest that these kids are working harder than she is. Talent only takes you so far. If she wants those awards, she has to do the work. It’s a lesson she has to learn at some point.

Exactly this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean...there is always going to be someone smarter, or prettier, or faster, or able to jump higher, or with a photographic memory, or with perfect pitch, or that gets privilege because of who their parents are, etc. Work hard, develop good character and enjoy the ride. Yes, encourage his/her gifts and applaud the hard work.

Honestly? I’d move. I disagree that it’s no big deal. It’s going to make her neurotic. It’s a bad idea to live in a pressure cooker area with an anxious child. It’s like enrolling your child who has an eating disorder in ballet. It’s only going to make things worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is literally nothing better for a child than being second or third academically. We tell our (very bright) child that if you are the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

As an aside, there are ways to diversify academic excellence that encourage very smart children. Try giving her something challenging that she is not naturally good at. Add a second or third language, an instrument or dance. One of our kids is very smart and we have never told him what his IQ is or how far beyond his grade level he scores. It literally does not matter. It matters that your child is doing hard, challenging work and enjoying learning. The other kids can be rockets scientists, who cares, be thankful that she gets to learn humility early.

How would a 12 year old or even a high schooler know they are the second smartest in the class?

This is why most schools don’t rank students or choose a valedictorian based on GPA. Students get all caught up in it.

Maybe you can discuss the fact that there are all different forms of intelligence not just academics and who got the most math answers correct. Tell her about brilliant artists that have created works of art that have had great impacts on the world. Or gifted speakers like MLK who helped with civil rights and improved people’s lives and no one cares about his academic history (although fine).

A lot of brilliance out there that has nothing to do with basic academics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's frustrating -- but a fact of life -- is seeing kids who work the same, or less, than you -- go on to "win" nonetheless. But that's not really what you're describing, right? These kids who "win" everything are studying hours more a night than your DD, doing academic programs all summer, blah blah. That's why they are "winning" the academic awards, and your DD doesn't want to do all that. Which is fine! What does she expect?

+1. Life lesson.

[Anonymous]

I think that you should help your daughter figure out what her goals are and the plan to reach those goals. Maybe she does want to win one of those awards in which case she needs to put in the work. Maybe her goal is something completely different in which it shouldn't matter what the star kids are achieving.

Separately you should encourage her to find an activity that is both meaningful to her and has an impact to the outside world. Can she teach ballet to younger girls? Raise money for an earth science focused organization? If she finds something where people depend on her she'll have more confidence in her value and place in the world.