Realizing your parents were terrible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, it looks like the terrible mother found this thread.

+1. Russian bots at it again. Just ignore them.

Why is it so hard for you to accept that people disagree with you? Are you a narc?

[Anonymous]

Eh, I was aware that my parents were not great very early on. Honestly, it was a personality mismatch. I am very introverted. My parents just want to talk talk talk and talk loudly. They ask me questions and as I’m mid sentence answering them, they’re speaking over me asking follow up questions. I am quiet, they are rude and loud. Very rude, and openly disdain all sorts of disadvantaged people. It would get embarrassing for them, rather I’d be embarrassed, long before trump was a phenom. It just wasn’t a Great parent child match. I’ve seen some of my parents friends whose kids become like them as they age, as they choose to soend a ton of time together as adults. I just don’t want that and never did. If that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I realized there was something wrong with my mom by age 10.

One of the awful things she did was she badmouthed my dad, well before age 10.

I think I was in my 20s when I started to realize he’s not a selfish jerk.

Maybe he was a selfish jerk AND she badmouthed him.

Both CAN be true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew fairly young that I had lackluster parents. My parents divorced when I was about 3, because of my dad’s alcoholism. He was the better of the two parents, if you can believe it. My mom just didn’t want to do anything motherly unless it benefitted her in some way. I was always jealous of other girls who had mothers who genuinely seemed to love them and want to spend time with them and talk with them.

My mom always bad mouthed my dad, but then forced me to spend weekends with him—he was drunk all night, but worked during the day. But he really was the better parent. The summer I turned 14, I really tried to spend time with him and get to know him instead of trying to disappear and avoid. I’m glad I did that because he died a couple of months later and I was able to have my own positive experience to carry with me instead of my moms badmouthing and negativity.

What made him the better parent on his weekend custody time?

Guess you had it all figured out before age 14 when he died somehow.

[Anonymous]

It clicked for me with they dad when I was 13 or so, and watching him lose his $hit on my younger brothers there and very something inane. As I watched the scene unfold, I had this realization thatu dad's temper and fury were not a parenting choice but just emotional reactivity, an inability to think critically about the situation and come up with a solution that might have actually provided my brother with guidance and helped him do better the next time. I never really respected him after that. I also stopped fearing him.

With my mom it took longer. She's a classic enabler and for a long time I viewed her as a victim who was doing her best. As I got older I realized more how she enabled my dad's abuse and used lies and manipulation to place us in harm's way. It was very upsetting when I started understanding this dynamic.

I think I have finally, in my mid-40s, come to terms with the fact that I will never have the loving, attentive parents every kid deserves.

[Anonymous]

All your kids will be saying the same thing about you in 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Yep dad was kicked out before 5 didn’t really show any interest after, mom signed over power of attorney to a family friend and also showed little interest since. She wouldn’t even terminate her parental rights for an adoption even though never fully re-entered our lives.

I had bottom of the barrel parents. The woman she left us with had her foster license taken away for abuse.

She recently called to see if she could come to my wedding next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we visit my mom she has started saying “this might be the last time you see me.”

So my 10 year old responded with “might be the last time you see me too!”

Now she has complained to everyone about my disrespectful child.

I maintain that grandkids make their grandparents faster than we do our own parents. Also, funny as hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please block your mother’s calls while you are on vacation if you don’t want it ruined.

I’m sorry OP, set some boundaries (no more talking about vacations until they have passed), therapy if you need it and try and work on just being a better parent for your kids.

+1 to the bolded. Just did this for a big spring break trip. I wish I had the type of parents I could tell about an exciting trip, but mine are not that. My narcissistic mother and weak father would take all the joy out of it.

Also, +1 to the PP(s) who said the mother trivializes health issues in others and refuses to care for the father. My mother has constant health crises, but when my father couldn't breathe one night, she told him he was overreacting. He called an ambulance instead, ended up in the ICU, and had heart surgery. When he was released about a week later with instructions not to drive, my mother left him home alone with no food anywhere in the house and took off for their beach condo. I found out weeks later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As I got older I realized and accepted that both my parents were incapable of parenting. My mother is narcissistic and I think my dad is on the spectrum. When I became a parent- I had examples of what not to do and have been successful at parenting. My mom is in her 70s and loves to make comments like “you do too much for your kids.” Which is my head is just saying I would never do that for you.

I have tried to put up boundaries but she is constantly wanting everyone’s attention and I think even creates fake health issues when she is not getting the attention she wants from myself or my siblings.

My family and I have a big vacation this summer and she has already started with the “what are you going to do if I am sick?” And I have told her we are going on this trip.

She is exhausting and she had demonstrated time and time again that none of her children are any sort of priority.

I guess I am just looking for sympathy from internet strangers.

I get it, I married into a family I now know is aspergers and on the spectrum.
I think my MiL got aspergated along the way and now only has zingers and out downs. She takes great joy out of watching me struggle with FIL who can’t even respond to What do you want in your sandwich, this or that. I guess that’s what happens to you after 20,30,40 years living with three aspies.

[Anonymous]

I sympathize with you OP. It took until my mid 40s to realize my dad is one really strange dude, likely on the spectrum, and my mom just bearing it yet hating every moment is not a good thing. For her or anyone. Knowing your mom hates your dad but won’t do anything to get out is frustrating….maybe she doesn’t actually hate him but it sure feels like it. Her constant barbs that he doesn’t seem to get, it’s hard to be around. I feel bad for both of them.

I didn’t think l would get married or have kids for a very long time, and didn’t delve into why but now l see why. Marriage and parenthood looked miserable to me. I love being a parent. Glad l figured myself out a bit before it was too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I got older I realized and accepted that both my parents were incapable of parenting. My mother is narcissistic and I think my dad is on the spectrum. When I became a parent- I had examples of what not to do and have been successful at parenting. My mom is in her 70s and loves to make comments like “you do too much for your kids.” Which is my head is just saying I would never do that for you.

I have tried to put up boundaries but she is constantly wanting everyone’s attention and I think even creates fake health issues when she is not getting the attention she wants from myself or my siblings.

My family and I have a big vacation this summer and she has already started with the “what are you going to do if I am sick?” And I have told her we are going on this trip.

She is exhausting and she had demonstrated time and time again that none of her children are any sort of priority.

I guess I am just looking for sympathy from internet strangers.

I get it, I married into a family I now know is aspergers and on the spectrum.
I think my MiL got aspergated along the way and now only has zingers and out downs. She takes great joy out of watching me struggle with FIL who can’t even respond to What do you want in your sandwich, this or that. I guess that’s what happens to you after 20,30,40 years living with three aspies.

Ohhhh this sounds so much like my husbands size of the family! Tell me exactly what the aspie FIL does while deciding???