Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this at all. I want my kids to be happy. Whether or not they have children is irrelevant.

I have never in my life thought "wow, I can't wait until I have grandchildren."

Why did you have kids?

.

Not for the purpose of having grandkids! I love them, not just their reproductive capabilities.

[Anonymous]

It's an unfortunate reality that having kids nowadays is just too hard. No support system, two working parents, skyrocketing expenses, unaffordable housing, childcare, nevermind trying to put them through college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suggest therapy. This type of thinking isn’t making you feel good and you might benefit from counseling to overcome it.

I will add this as gently as I can. Your kids may not want children due how they were parented.

I had a mentally ill mother and she was mostly terrible. For years, I had no desire for kids because I didn’t want to pass on the trauma and illness.

Only after many years did I have children and only after I had kids did my older sister start to have kids.

So you might start by examining yourself.

Yes... my MIL is something else and both my husband and SIL had decided they were not interested in having children. Both ended up changing their minds once they got married but I can see why they were hesitant. I do not believe their childhood was a very happy one.

[Anonymous]

How is not having kids "selfish?" Were you forced to have kids OP, or was it your personal choice? As long as it was your choice, you wanting to have kids is no less selfish than someone choosing *not* to have kids.

But perhaps your kids are picking up on your feelings and don't want to be guilt-tripped by your manipulative mindset.

Or, stop thinking that everything is about you (ie, your failure). It sounds like you may actually be the selfish one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has said she was a teen that she didn't want kids. Ha-ha ok you will change your mind is what everyone always told her. No, she's never wavered. She's in her late 20s and has been married for 3 years now (with her husband for 8 years total). She just told me that she found a doctor who was willing to do a tubal ligation so she could be done with birth control. It felt like a gut punch when she told me.

DS is in his early 30s and is getting married this fall. He's been with his fiancée for 4 years and they too have told us they have zero desire for kids. I thought for sure they would have kids as she's an elementary teacher and works at a kids camp in the summer.

How do I get over these feelings of failure? I know I raised great kids but at the same time, I feel like both are being selfish and it makes me angry. Is this something therapy helps with?

Elementary staff here. Most teachers I know don't have kids - liking working with kids does not translate to wanting kids of your own, or having kids 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would feel sad, too, Op. I think your feelings are normal.

This. And, ask them to explain their thinking, which may help you understand their decisions. The world is a challenging place these days.

[Anonymous]

I can understand the disappointment of not being a grandparent but the failure part throws me off.

Was it your goal to produce children who wanted to reproduce?

Kudos to them for knowing what brings them joy and not falling for peer or societal pressure.

Hopefully they'll be there to take care of you in your older years since they don't have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would feel sad, too, Op. I think your feelings are normal.

+1 This is becoming sadly common with this generation. I have 21 cousins (aged 50-70) and between us, 40 kids, and yet there are only six grandchildren, and the ones young enough to still have kids all express some version of not wanting to marry or have kids. I'm hearing similar things from lots of friends.

What is going on?

[Anonymous]

I, too, can sympathize with your disappointment that you will not have grandchildren, but there isn't anything wrong with your children, they aren't selfish, and you are not a failure. You are disappointed because you thought you were raising the with your own values, and they would "come around" but, you are disappointed because they have different values in their lives than you had.

You want grandchildren, but won't have them. You should look into volunteer or work opportunities where you can associate with children. I know two ladies who are somewhat similar (both have adult children but do not yet have grandchildren). They work at our neighborhood elementary school as recess and lunch monitors. They only work about 4 hours per day, but they get to spend that time with and around all of the ES students. Both of them really connected with my kids and had a lot of fulfillment watching my kids (and many others) grow. There are also libraries that can use volunteers and kids organizations like Scouts that can always use volunteers. It may not be a replacement, but it may be able to ease some of the disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would feel sad, too, Op. I think your feelings are normal.

+1 This is becoming sadly common with this generation. I have 21 cousins (aged 50-70) and between us, 40 kids, and yet there are only six grandchildren, and the ones young enough to still have kids all express some version of not wanting to marry or have kids. I'm hearing similar things from lots of friends.

What is going on?

The young people are struggling just to support themselves and are smart enough to know that bringing a baby into the mix is a terrible idea.

None of the Gen Z or younger Millennials in my family want kids either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has said she was a teen that she didn't want kids. Ha-ha ok you will change your mind is what everyone always told her. No, she's never wavered. She's in her late 20s and has been married for 3 years now (with her husband for 8 years total). She just told me that she found a doctor who was willing to do a tubal ligation so she could be done with birth control. It felt like a gut punch when she told me.

DS is in his early 30s and is getting married this fall. He's been with his fiancée for 4 years and they too have told us they have zero desire for kids. I thought for sure they would have kids as she's an elementary teacher and works at a kids camp in the summer.

How do I get over these feelings of failure? I know I raised great kids but at the same time, I feel like both are being selfish and it makes me angry. Is this something therapy helps with?

You think they are being selfish by making their own reproductive choices?

Not you, the person who wants someone else to get pregnant, carry a pregnancy, give birth and raise children just so YOU have a cute cuddly thing?

Wow. Time for some self reflection.

[Anonymous]

I think it's normal for you to want grandkids, but it's still up to your kids to want their own children. I'm not sure if it's worth trying to figure out whether that's something you could have changed or not (could it be your fault? maybe, but would it serve a purpose for you to figure that out? You can't go back in time).

I think the important thing now is to accept reality, and then consider what, if anything, you want to do differently. Do any of your siblings have grandchildren? Or your close friends?

There are so many reasons why one might never have grandchildren, your children choosing not to have kids is the least painful, right? I know someone who will never have grandkids because their child is suffering from mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Many of my friends are retired or contemplating retiring. They aren't used to being free so hoping to have grandkids to keep them busy. Due to career demand and financial strains of young parenthood, they couldn't spend much time with their own children so now hoping to do bonding and activities with their grandchildren.

I don't want my kids to rush into parenthood until they've enjoyed their lives but can't blame my friends trying to share burden of parenting with their kids to make their lives easier and to enjoy grand-parenting while they are able bodied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this at all. I want my kids to be happy. Whether or not they have children is irrelevant.

I have never in my life thought "wow, I can't wait until I have grandchildren."

Why did you have kids?

This is a bizarre response. You have kids because YOU want kids, not so you can have grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this at all. I want my kids to be happy. Whether or not they have children is irrelevant.

I have never in my life thought "wow, I can't wait until I have grandchildren."

Why did you have kids?

This is a bizarre response. You have kids because YOU want kids, not so you can have grandkids.

This. I had kids because I want to be a parent. I don't have any strong desire to be a grandparent like I did to be a mom. As long as DS is happy and healthy with his life, I'm happy.