Bratty response to getting gifts

[Anonymous]

PP-I agree.

[Anonymous]

To Poster 14:01 - I think you meant generosity instead of genuosity, but I'm keeping that word now. You can't have it back and no one better post about it either! I truly love it. My husband has one that we all use now - "frumpled", and my 5 year old calls assembly instructions - "constructions". You brightened up my whole day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To Poster 14:01 - I think you meant generosity instead of genuosity, but I'm keeping that word now. You can't have it back and no one better post about it either! I truly love it. My husband has one that we all use now - "frumpled", and my 5 year old calls assembly instructions - "constructions". You brightened up my whole day!

I'm lost with out spell check and I'm a MBA. lol

[Anonymous]

OK I have to come clean, maybe I should post this on the other thread. I don't always send TY cards. My child and I say thank you verbally, and later I will send out TY emails if don't get sidetracked by my 2 other kids, 2 jobs and etc. I teach all my 3 of my kids to show gratitude, but I have always been a forgetful person and don't always do the cards. I have been to parties where I don't get a TY card, and I am not offended. I figure the mom is probably just as busy as me and saying it at the party is enough for me, especially if its followed by a hug. We still invite each other the following year and say thank you again. Yes its nice to send a card...but if you forget I don't think you'll be shunned from society.

[Anonymous]

There is some thinking that a gift given in person -- that is, a one-on-one situation, not a big party with a stack of gifts -- don't require a thank-you note because the giver gets thanked at the time, and can see the reaction of the recipient. I console myself with this when I slip up and forget to send a note! I really do try, though, to send thank-you notes for everything. It's just the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should start giving donations in the 8 year old's name. I think that would be hilarious. She would open up the gift and you could excitedly tell her about the charity you chose for her.

[clarabow]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its not your place to train your niece. Seriously, it is the parents choice not yours. Once you let go of feeling that you should fix her because her parents are not doing what you expect, it should bother you less....unless you are someone who expects something back when you give a gift.

My SIL is constantly out of sorts b/c the other SIL does not do thankyou cards and does not have her kids do thank you cards. She took the kids aside and tried to explain to them how you have to do thank you cards..which I think was the rudest, most inappropriate action to try and impose your sense of behavior and manners on someone else's kids. Don't be one of "those" moms!

Wow. Are you totally serious or just trying to be a jerk? I would have never thought a thread about gift giving to a child would get this kind of response. I hope you're just one of those lurkers here on DCUM trying to start stuff because your response is just strange and if it's truly what you believe, I would hate to be related to your kids or you. Yipes.
OP, stop giving the brat gifts. Seriously, gifts are not a requirment and are done out of love and genuousity of spirit, if they are received this way, save your money for children who truly appreciate it.

I'm pretty sure the PP was serious and not trying to be a jerk. I thought it was the best post on this thread actually. I also do not read into the post that the PP is endorsing children being entitled or that saying thank you is unnecessary. It's just that it's very rude to step in to teach other people's children a lesson. Gifts aren't mandatory either - if the OP doesn't like the little girl, or how she feels when her gifts are treated with disregard, then she doesn't need to keep giving gifts, but it shouldn't be about "teaching a lesson" because that is not her job.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the other responses, but my feeling is that she is just a child, and it's her parents job to teach her manners, not yours. Either way, I think a gift should be given with no strings attached, meaning no "thank you" expected. Obviously, we all want to feel appreciated for our generosity, but I think you should just suck this one up and be the adult. I don't mean that in a nasty way.

[Anonymous]

My sister is one of those clueless parents who if you step in and criticize (which teaching them to say thank you would be one)- would become a battle. It also sounds like the child is just emulating what the parents do (not say thank you). Basically- I believe you have to let it go - but I would just not give gifts if there isn't some form of appreciation. If I don't see someone appreciating the thought- then that means to me that they don't really need the gift I give to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should start giving donations in the 8 year old's name. I think that would be hilarious. She would open up the gift and you could excitedly tell her about the charity you chose for her.

Now this is a good idea! The world doesn't revolve her...

[Anonymous]

I think there are lots of good ideas here. Either giving a gift that is time spent with your niece - like going to get nails done (assuming this would be enjoyable), or gifts like a board game that can be shared with the brothers, or maybe when she is a little bit older - stopping gifts all together and going with a card. If your sister doesn't think it is important for her daughter to thank people - okay - but there are lots of people that stop giving gifts if they don't feel the gift is appreciated so that is within your rights too. With the whole thank you note - the rule of thumb for us is if we open on the spot and can thank in person we do. If the gift is mailed or in a stack of gifts from a party we send a thank you note on behalf of the children so the person knows that we received the gift and it wasn't lost in the mail or lost somewhere. We did actually have something get lost in the mail before and we did have another gift mixed in a different bag so we had to look to find where it was. I also make a point of any toy that the kids especially like to play with letting the person know how much they enjoyed it. Like the bunny rabbit my youngest one carries around everywhere, or the board game they love to play. There are things we wouldn't even have thought about getting that become our kids favorite toy. Not sure about your mom, but I know my mom would give ME a lecture if my daughters didn't thank people for gifts. My DH would get a lecture from his mom if we didn't say thank you notes to the friends of his mom that have been thoughtful enough to get gifts for the girls when we are there for various events or they send gifts with them for a birthday etc. Our latest thing is our oldest is still at the age where people get gifts for both of them when it is her sister's birthday. We had to have a talk last time when she kept asking "and what's my gift". I had to explain what a gift was and that how it was extra nice that our family also got her a gift on her sister's birthday but it wouldn't be like this next year.

[Anonymous]

Stop vesting any of yourself into choosing these presents. Just get her something from Barnes and Noble. Spend ten minutes and be done.

If your sister is fine with it, there's nothing you can do to teach her better.

[Anonymous]

You've done your best, but, it is not up to you to raise your niece. I would buy something comparable to what you get for the brothers and stop expecting any decent response. No judgment. No corrections. If the parents do not see this as a problem after it's been pointed out to them, you cannot fix it. But, you can pull back your reaction, by just not expecting more. She may eventually learn. She may never learn. But, as posters have pointed out, courtesy always matters, and, in some cases, it really matters. You've tried to help. Now, you have to let it go. You're a good aunt.

BTW, I am in the process of writing a book about grandmothers and mothers. If you could tell the grandmother of your children anything you wanted, without hurting her feelings, what would you tell her? If you would like to be interviewed, please let me know. Interviewees will be anonymous.

Carol Covin
Bristow, VA
[phone]
[e-mail]

[Anonymous]

If she doesn't like anything you buy, then maybe she deserves no more than a gift card. It's zero effort for you and it sends the message that since she doesn't like her presents you aren't going to spend any time on it. Of course you can leave the last part off in your explanation. But if you continue to buy good presents for her siblings, the message should land.

[Anonymous]

Whenever I see bad behavior (not my own kids', which I correct in a different way), I use it as an opportunity to talk to my kids in private about how it wasn't the kind of behavior I like (and usually, how happy I am that they don't behave that way). It makes these kind of situations at least have a purpose. As for the child itself, before you give it to her why don't you simply ask her, "Can you please say thank you for the gift? It would make me feel like you appreciated it" At a minimum you would get the requisite thank you. You can't change the attitude, but you can at least let her know that you want the formality satisfied.