Need some advice on how to handle this situation...

[Anonymous]

One of my closest friends has been TTC for several years. She is on her last round of IVF before they consider adoption. She visited today, and my DD, who is 19 mo, kept pointing to her and calling her "mommy". She does this to every woman she sees, but of course it was difficult for my friend to hear. I could see the pain on her face. Unfortunately, halfway through the visit, she got angry, demanded that I make DD stop calling her that (I had already been trying, w/o success). She said some cutting things about how I should be able to control my DD better, and left. I felt awful-I know she is in a bad place, and it must really been hurtful for her to hear that. At the same time, it really hurt MY feelings that one of my oldest friends would make something like that so personal and use it to attack my patenting. Now I'm left wondering if she really thinks I'm a bad parent and this just allowed her to vent, or what. I know it's not all about me, and my heart truly bleeds for her. I'd like to reach out to patch things up, but am not sure if I should any time soon. And part of me feels that she should be the one to approach me, but I realize that may not happen.

I really care about this woman, and have been good friends with her for years. I don't want to lose the friendship over this...any advice would be welcome! Thanks.

[Anonymous]

You need to put your hurt aside. Your daughter happened to drive a knife into her softest spot at her most vulnerable moment and she reacted. No one is at fault. Your daughter is too young to understand, you can't even as a great parent make her understand and your friend couldn't handle those comments on that day.

Leave it for a few days then if she hasn't approached you reach out to her. Don't make a big deal about it and don't talk about how she hurt your feelings. This isn't about you.

[Anonymous]

I agree. She is probably embarrassed that she lost control of her emotions today. (She is also probably pumped full of hormones if she is in the middle of IVF.) It had nothing to do with your parenting or your child. Try not to make a big deal of it with her.

[Anonymous]

That would hurt me too, but I would never attack my friends parenting over it. I don't think you should take any blame or apologize in any way. You're a good friend for knowing she's in a bad place and looking past this. I would try to continue the friendship after some space, or maybe she just can't handle the freindship right now. It's not ur fault, she's dealing with a lot, that doesn't make it right or acceptable but it's great that you understand and look past it.

[Anonymous]

As someone struggling with primary IF and many unsuccessful attempts at ART, I first want to thank you on behalf of your friend for being so considerate and compassionate.

You don't say what her mood was during the visit (anxious, unhopeful), but I'm guessing that you shouldn't take her words too seriously. It probably has nothing to do with you and her opinion of your parenting and everything to do with where she is right now. If I didn't know that sometimes the pain of TTC can be unbearable and if I could honestly say that never in my life have I lashed out at someone I cared for unfairly when I was in pain, I would say you're friend was way out of line (well, she probably is regardless). But it sounds like you're willing to excuse her behavior due to the circumstances, and I think that's fair.

Honestly, if it were me, I would probably wait a few days to forget about the situation and if you really have been friends for years it might be a forget it happened kind of thing. If, however, you are really hurt (and you have a right to be), then I would wait a few days to cool off and bring it up with her in a way that acknowledges taht you totally understand she's going through a hard time. And also using all those feeling words where you make it clear that it's not a judgment about her or her attitude, just how you feel after the conversation that you had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That would hurt me too, but I would never attack my friends parenting over it. I don't think you should take any blame or apologize in any way. You're a good friend for knowing she's in a bad place and looking past this. I would try to continue the friendship after some space, or maybe she just can't handle the freindship right now. It's not ur fault, she's dealing with a lot, that doesn't make it right or acceptable but it's great that you understand and look past it.

Until you have walked a mile in that woman's shoes and spent years, money and tears trying to have a baby, you have no idea what you would or wouldn't do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That would hurt me too, but I would never attack my friends parenting over it. I don't think you should take any blame or apologize in any way. You're a good friend for knowing she's in a bad place and looking past this. I would try to continue the friendship after some space, or maybe she just can't handle the freindship right now. It's not ur fault, she's dealing with a lot, that doesn't make it right or acceptable but it's great that you understand and look past it.

Until you have walked a mile in that woman's shoes and spent years, money and tears trying to have a baby, you have no idea what you would or wouldn't do.

What an odd response. Why would you think the person you quoted hasn't spent years, money and tears trying to have a baby? This is an infertility board after all.

[Anonymous]

You seem like a great friend. I would just send her an email that says some variation of "I'm so sorry for how our visit went downhill today. I love you. Please write or call when you have time." No need to re-hash. On behalf of a hurting wanna-be Mom, thanks for being so understanding of your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That would hurt me too, but I would never attack my friends parenting over it. I don't think you should take any blame or apologize in any way. You're a good friend for knowing she's in a bad place and looking past this. I would try to continue the friendship after some space, or maybe she just can't handle the freindship right now. It's not ur fault, she's dealing with a lot, that doesn't make it right or acceptable but it's great that you understand and look past it.

Until you have walked a mile in that woman's shoes and spent years, money and tears trying to have a baby, you have no idea what you would or wouldn't do.

What an odd response. Why would you think the person you quoted hasn't spent years, money and tears trying to have a baby? This is an infertility board after all.

Because many folks do not look at posts by their forum. They read the "Recent Topics" where all posts come up regardless of the forum and respond. There was a judgmental tone in that "I would never..." as if she were somehow superior in her ability to respond to such a difficult situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem like a great friend. I would just send her an email that says some variation of "I'm so sorry for how our visit went downhill today. I love you. Please write or call when you have time." No need to re-hash. On behalf of a hurting wanna-be Mom, thanks for being so understanding of your friend.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP - you are a wonderful friend. We would all be lucky to have a friend as kind, caring and understanding as you are. I agree with the above posters about the email.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all so much-I try to be understanding with my friend, and have been a close confidant during her struggles, which is why I both knew how much she was hurt, AND why I was hurt too. I will give it a few days and contact her, and I would never lead with how hurt MY feelings are...like I said, I know where it was coming from, and it's not all about me. Thanks to the pp who suggested the email phrasing, and good luck to all of you ladies in your journey from the bottom of my heart, no matter how many years, money, or tears you have spent.

[Anonymous]

Oh pelase, it is not an "infertility" thing. It's "I am not a parent yet but I am so superior at parenting" thing. She didn't just think of all those things in the moment to tell you that she thought you were doing it all wrong she has been mentally keeping that list for a while and finally got the chance to tell you.

[Anonymous]

As someone who suffered from primary infertility for a long time, I think your friend's behavior was obnoxious. Your child is a toddler and she is an adult. Kids say stuff and you can't control what a toddler says -- she should know that and take it like a grown up.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the nice posts that are here, and want to reiterate about the hormones. They can be brutal...its not an excuse, but when you are sad and struggling and then add huge amounts of hormones, its a distaster waiting to happen. If you are able to take the high road your friend will realize how lucky she is to have you.