Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- send me his info. I’ll send him an email for ya.

LOL - OP.
Needed that, thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From another poster on different thread which sums the situation up perfectly:


When your partner cheats on you, you are in an open marriage, without your knowledge or consent. You are potentially exposed to stis and stds, some of which are lifelong, some of which can affect your fertility, some of which can lead to your death.

“People can “dissolve” the marriage without doing those things. It’s called asking for a divorce. It’s called retaining an attorney and filing the divorce paperwork.

The problem is that the cheating partner is not “dissolving” the marriage, they want the stability and benefits of marriage and secret sex at the same time.

Consent is taken away from the partner who is unaware their partner is cheating. They have no ability to make their own decisions about their life. The cheater makes their decisions based on what they want only. “

This is why you tell.

10/10. Ex cheated with someone with the incurable std. I’m good btw but it was a nightmare.

DP. I'm glad that you're OK, PP. And glad that you posted. There are some people who post on this forum who constantly dismiss STIs as no big deal and nothing to consider in relationship issues but they're so wrong. Not all are curable. And STIs overall are on the rise in the past few years. Betrayed spouses need to know about affairs so they get tested--for their own sakes and for their kids' sakes too (because kids need a healthy parent).

HPV leads to cervical, throat and anal cancers.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think I would want to tell the APs spouse, but (having not been cheated on or cheated) I hope I would be able to be level headed about factors.

1. Do they have kids— would I be ruining some kids chance at a normal childhood by telling.
2. Are they likely to be psycho? I realize this is subjective but I wouldn’t want someone showing up at my house threatening my husband (or me or my kids!).
3. Are there potential professional issues by widening knowledge of the affair— like will your husband lose his job if it’s known he slept with a subordinate.


I don’t see a reason not to tell if none of the above circumstances are in play. Unless you don’t want you own social circle knowing about the affair, because once it’s out of the bag you can’t control that.

Re 1.- they ruined my kids- no qualms about their kids. They should have put them first and thought about them before cheating.

That’s a perspective…but it’s also like saying you can abuse kids from abusive households because their parents don’t care. The kids have a value separate from the parents. The statistical outcomes from divorce aren’t great and I wouldn’t to be the reason for it if I imjad a choice.

Oh god—NOT. Telling the betrayed spouse is just that. What happens from there is not your concern. Always tell. It’s too bad they do something so selfish and hurtful that they could cause two divorces. They are scum.

I think adults are responsible for their actions. All adults. All actions. And if telling has a consequence then yes, the person telling is responsible. I’m good with all kinds of consequences to the other adults but wouldn’t impose them on kids. You can have a different view.

FFS you are messed up. The person opening her legs and be fin over repeatedly and lying to their spouse is responsible. My god.

If I watch a murder and tell the police —I’m responsible for their actions?

You really have a efffed up value system.

Cheaters can’t take responsibility fir their actions. It’s always somebody else’s fault. This poster’s response is a prime example.

If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.

Good parents put their kids first and don’t engage in behavior that has the ability to destroy their family.

In your example you’re responsible for a murderer going to jail. That’s a responsibility I’d be 100% good with.

In the other example you’re responsible for a kid potentially growing up in poverty, having addiction problems, etc. that might be a responsibility you’re good with and that’s up to the individual. It’s not a responsibility I’d be good with.

Again, NO. The parent that cheated has 100% responsibility, Cheater. And, when they aren't outed--they keep cheating. The fallout and danger from that is even worse because the cheater is constantly brining elements of danger (potential crazy jilted AP or a truly crazy betrayed spouse) around their own kids. They also are not focusing on their family, their spouse and usually are complete **ssholes at home because they are in 'affair fog' living in a fantasy.

The family can do anything they want. The cheater can decide they don't like being a lying, deceitful person and don't want to cheat anymore and focus on their family. The spouse could see their genuine actions and give them a chance, just as much as they could decide to ultimately divorce.

But, your own deceitful actions are what is hurting your kid and spouse---not the other victim in the situation.

Cheaters are almost always suffering from a DSM mental disorder. You can see the disordered thinking when they twist logic and use mental gymnastics in order to take ZERO blame for their awful behavior and resultant fallout.

So cheater, if the spouse found out---you are 100% not responsible either? You aren't responsible for the other family divorcing, right---because it was his/her family--not your own. That's the logic cheaters use. It's not my fault they divorced, it's my AP's fault. Well same logic applies in this situation: it's your own fault. Please go get some therapy. I'm guessing you grew up in a dysfunctional household where there were never any consequences and you saw this dysfunctional coping and behavior your entire childhood.

DSM disorder, yes. Like the chick that keeps trying to find ways to justify the cheating. Everyone else bad- not her. I feel very sorry for her husband.

People who make cheating their personality are damaged. Go to counseling and try to work on your marriage, or get a divorce. Sneaking around and sleeping with people is not what you said you wanted when you accepted a marriage proposal. Both parties promised to forsake all others. If you have changed your mind, give your spouse the ability to find someone they can have an equal and honest relationship with. Go ham sleeping with whoever you want after the divorce.

Counseling won’t give my spouse a sex drive. Divorce means losing my kids 50% of the time and 50% of my money too.

So why not tell your spouse you are going to look for an intimate relationship outside of marriage and at least give them the courtesy of choosing to get a divorce if they want to? Maybe they have a list of reasons they don’t want to have sex with you?

Because of the asymmetry of this. Anecdotally if a couple opens things up the woman can find new partners without trying hardly at all while the man has to put in lots of effort and still often doesn’t find anyone.

You list the reasons you don’t want to divorce as losing your money and access to your children. You don’t care about your current spouse, but are whining they won’t have sex with you. Guess what? They can sense you don’t care about them. Spouses are more than sex objects, they have feelings and needs outside of physical.

[Anonymous]

So, you told him?

[Anonymous]

Dont ever tell. I have a friend and she has been having extra marital affairs with a married man with whom she has had an emotional affair for 20 or more years. I have come to determine that it is best left alone as each is married with kids. I actually like her husband and there are times I want to say something. I am more concerned with the the APs wife as I think she suspects. But I have come to think that it is purely physical and have decided it is best to leave it alone.

[Anonymous]

I would want to know and I would tell the other spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know and I would tell the other spouse.

I would not want to know as long as DH isn’t planning on leaving and it will eventually have seemed like a mistake to him. I certainly wouldn’t want to know from a third party.

[Anonymous]

No!!!!

You have your own business to mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From another poster on different thread which sums the situation up perfectly:


When your partner cheats on you, you are in an open marriage, without your knowledge or consent. You are potentially exposed to stis and stds, some of which are lifelong, some of which can affect your fertility, some of which can lead to your death.

“People can “dissolve” the marriage without doing those things. It’s called asking for a divorce. It’s called retaining an attorney and filing the divorce paperwork.

The problem is that the cheating partner is not “dissolving” the marriage, they want the stability and benefits of marriage and secret sex at the same time.

Consent is taken away from the partner who is unaware their partner is cheating. They have no ability to make their own decisions about their life. The cheater makes their decisions based on what they want only. “

This is why you tell.

10/10. Ex cheated with someone with the incurable std. I’m good btw but it was a nightmare.

DP. I'm glad that you're OK, PP. And glad that you posted. There are some people who post on this forum who constantly dismiss STIs as no big deal and nothing to consider in relationship issues but they're so wrong. Not all are curable. And STIs overall are on the rise in the past few years. Betrayed spouses need to know about affairs so they get tested--for their own sakes and for their kids' sakes too (because kids need a healthy parent).

HPV leads to cervical, throat and anal cancers.

Most of the population is exposed to HPV. Look it up. Cervical only happens when someone does not get regular Pap smears.

One affair partner has much less chance than giving an STD when single before getting married.

Stop fear mongering.

Signed,
Not a cheater

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. People are crazy and have guns.

The risk-reward ratio is heavily skewed toward Risk.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, telling her will do absolutely nothing good for you. Truly. I have been cheated on and I know how strongly you want to do this. But zero good things will come of it. You need to focus on yourself, act like she doesn't exist.

I am glad I was told. My ex kept denying it, even after she sent really obscene screenshots of his text messages. I needed cold, hard facts to move on. He was making a fool out of me for a long time before her, I just chose to assume the best.

[Anonymous]

blow it UP!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. People are crazy and have guns.

The risk-reward ratio is heavily skewed toward Risk.

This

Which is why you shouldn’t fkkkkkg cheat in the first place !!!! Betrayed spouse has a gun too…look out if they find out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, telling her will do absolutely nothing good for you. Truly. I have been cheated on and I know how strongly you want to do this. But zero good things will come of it. You need to focus on yourself, act like she doesn't exist.

I am glad I was told. My ex kept denying it, even after she sent really obscene screenshots of his text messages. I needed cold, hard facts to move on. He was making a fool out of me for a long time before her, I just chose to assume the best.

What? Who was she sending the screenshots to and why???? To you, the spouse ??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know and I would tell the other spouse.

+1,000,000
I told the other spouse and he divorced her.