Bored in marriage. Need advice?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| try gay marriage, obama did |
Anonymous
I agree with you guys. Why are people so quick to divorce? Seriously, there is no marriage vow that says, "Until I realize I am bored and met this cute, fun guy when I begin to feel bored or lonely." Who cares that you were young when you married. You made that decision as an adult. It sounds like you haven't really even talked to your husband about it at all. Every marriage requires that spouses talk about some difficult, uncomfortable stuff. You need to learn how to do that. If it doesn't work out after you have actually TRIED, then think about divorce. If there is no abuse and you married under your own free will, you should always contact a therapist before a lawyer. I do agree with others who say don't get pregnant. You have plenty of time for that, but you need to learn how to communicate with your partner (about the difficult/uncomfortable stuff!) before then. For example, you can't just tell your husband "I'm bored." You have to actually tell him that you are bored in the relationship. That's the difference between thinking you are communicating and actually communicating. |
Anonymous
|
Ok, I wanted to clarify a few things.
I am not just bored (I know, it's the title of the thread. I'm dumb, I shouldnt have written that post in the middle of the night). I have come to the conclusion that my husband and I have absolutely nothing in common. We don't have the same interests, hobbies, friends.. We don't even like the same foods or tv shows. I value education; he doesn't care for it. He wants children within the next 5 years; I want to wait until I'm closer to 30 (and I'm not even sure I want kids, which he has known from the start). He likes to spend money; I like to save money and despise shopping. I swear, we have so little in common, that I don't know how we've made it work so far. I guess when I was younger, I didn't realize that we had nothing in common. I loved him and that's all I knew. Also, we have talked about our differences before. I mentioned that in an earlier post. It's difficult to talk about because we both realize that the only reason we are together is because of how much we love each other. He mentioned separation once. I'm not sure if he was serious about it, but I'm beginning to think that maybe we should try it. I just dont know how that works. Do we live together? Do we date other people? Do we still talk? I wouldn't mind therapy, but I just don't know what it could possibly do for us. We get along just fine. We respect each other, and don't have any real issues. We are just incompatible. Oh, and the guy I mentioned, he's not the reason I feel this way. I've felt like this for about two years. I just try to push those thoughts out of my head, hoping that our love will be enough. But every time that I meet someone like this guy, it happens. It's happened with my professor. I talk to him and while I don't have a crush on him, I end up feeling awful that I cannot have any sort of deep conversation with my husband. As for my family, they love him to death so they try to stay out of it. The only one that has ever said anything is my mom. When I went to her about this, she said she saw it coming. In fact, she said she was surprised that I would fall for someone that different from me. She didn't say much back then because our relationship was strained. Plus, she loves my husband as her own son. To the person that said that he'll make a woman happy but it won't be me, thank you. It hurts to hear it, but it's probably because it's most likely true. He's an amazing person that deserves someone that wants the same future as him. Thanks again for your responses, even the ones calling me an idiot. I think about all the points you've all made, which is why I'm having such a difficult time. I know I made a commitment to him, so that's why I don't take this lightly. I just wonder if we are doomed to an unhappy marriage if we stay together. |
Anonymous
|
I really think that it may be a good idea for you to wait to make any sort of decision. I don't think this is a decision that you want to make while your husband is in a war zone (right?) I don't think it's a clear headed decision for a few reasons:
- If you decide that you're going to leave, even if you wait until he's back, this decision will surely have you feeling guilt, and he will feel blind sided if he's home for an hour and you are packing your things.. - It may be possible, that when he comes home, and you're there picking him up from the airport, that the butterflies and feelings of "in love" may just take over, at least for a little while, and after your separation, if this happens, you both should enjoy it. - You had talked about how you dislike the military lifestyle.. How far away is his ETS or re-up date? If you discuss this, perhaps he would be willing to ETS and not make this a career.. You haven't really said much about this so I don't know if this is something that would help. - My husband and I are very different in respect to a lot of the things that you've mentioned, it's taken a lot of compromise, but we have found middle ground. We take part in and usually end up enjoying each others hobbies (I am strongly considering getting myself a motorcycle and LOVE fishing now.. and he has taken me to the theatre and concerts, and usually talks about how they were a good time). I think that if you try hard, a good, and enjoyable middle ground can be found.. my husband and I were similar financially to you guys also, one of us spends, one of us saves, we give an allowance at pay day for spending money and we save some. Let me close by saying, that there was a time when I could have written this exact post, almost word for word, it's uncanny actually how similar my situation was to what you're dealing with right now, from the fact that we married at 19 to military and separations etc.. But we've now been married for seven years and we are so happy and doing wonderful. I'm not saying this is your outcome, but more, I think proof that sometimes, love can be enough... Enough to get you started at least. |
Anonymous
|
I truly cannot believe the number of PPs who think marriage is some sort of endurance test you have to finish just because you started it.
I married my best friend. We do everything together, and still miss each other when we're apart. I cannot imagine sharing my life with someone when we don't share anything but a house. Why would you tell someone "you made your bed, now lie in it" when they both still have time to find someone they can enjoy spending their lives with? Are your marriages that empty? |
Anonymous
|
04:15 here.. Personally, my marriage is wonderful.. absolutely great, and we are both extremely happy... But marriage is also supposed to be a commitment.. not something that you leave because you're bored, or because things are not perfect... I think before resorting to divorce, that a certain level of effort should be made.. especially considering the fact that he is currently deployed.
|
Anonymous
| Just gave DH a synopsis of this thread. His response: "get the f*ck out." Both my sister and his brother had "starter" marriages in their early 20s and are now happily married with kids in their mid-30s. Sometimes you really just do make a dumb mistake. |
Anonymous
Fundamentally disagree with this. Part of wisdom is discerning when to cut your losses. You meet enough women on this board who are on baby no 2 or 3 or waiting til the kids leave for college, when thinking about divorcing their DH. They all wish they'd just left years ago. OP should leave. I am a Christian and was raised evangelical. I know TONS of Mormons and Evangelicals who had "starter marriages" between 17 and 20. These marriages statistically don't survive and many of them didn't. Here's the interesting thing. The Mormons who got married at 17ish - many of them were divorced by 20 and now... they are soooo happy. Fairly amicable divorces. Both parties were remarried by 26/27 to other Mormons they loved and have kids and a pretty Mormon marriage. The evangelicals who were married at 18-20: despite being unhappy they stuck it out. They divorced at 25-27. Most of them are now 30ish and agnostic/wavering in their faith and are VERY angry/bitter. Point is that a huge mistake QUICKLY REMEDIED can have very few long lasting effects. While it's NOT miserable and terrible, there is no cheating, it's not a sexless resentment filled nightmare, JUST GO. Have the strength to end it now before it becomes awful and horrible and then you have to carry that into every other relationship. You weren't ready, you were a kid. You had some difficult relationships in your Family of Origin. Accept, learn, grow, move on. |
Anonymous
| I am bored in my marriage. I got married 16 years ago and now I am bored. We take separate vacations, we do not have sex, he forgets my birthdays. I am bored. What should I do. |
Anonymous
| Ir is very likely that your marriage will only get worse over time. If you think your marriage is a mistake, then cut the loss before it becomes too big /too late. You are lucky in that you are still young, many people would wish they were in your shoes. |
Anonymous
| OP....do NOT waste your life. You are not a bad person. The connection isn't there with your DH. Once you have kids, your whole life changes and you cannot be as selfish (I am saying be selfish now, it is a good thing in this case). Do not fritter away the next decade or 2, only to divorce him later....common interests and compatability are necessities for a long term healthy marriage. |
Anonymous
| I don't think you sound like an awful person op. You actually sound alot like me. I met my dh when I was in high school and married him when I was 20. We are still together now, 14 years later, we have 2 kids, 2 dogs, a nice big house...you know, the typical American family. The thing is, I still think about leaving him, it gets particularly worse if there is another man in my life. I have been feeling like you do for at least 9 years now and have stayed because we had a child, and then another child. My whole marriage is work. I am constantly working on myself, just trying to make myself happy in this marriage. I feel like I missed out on so much of my life because i stayed. I love my husband, I really do, he's a good guy and he's my best friend. I just never feel true deep happiness with him. My kids are my heart and soul, and at this point, my marriage is for them. I'm not telling you to leave your husband, but I think if you stay with him, you probably will always think about how your life would be if you'd lived it without him. |
Anonymous
| I know you don't want to hurt his feelings, but it won't get better. I've been there. You are lucky enough that you didn't have kids. Once you are out of the relationship, you will feel such relief. Trust me.... |
Anonymous
+1 OP do not listen to all these people saying you NEED to stick it out. You are so young and not all marriages eventually become like yours is now. I've also been married for five years and my husband is my best friend. We do every thing together and have so much fun. We also miss each other when we are apart and I can't even sleep well without him. Life is so short and you can't waste your time with someone who does not make you happy. All these people telling you to stick it out are also in dead marriages and they're just trying to justify their own decisions. When you find someone new make sure you are on the same page with kids and religion. My husband and I agreed long before we got married that we didn't want kids and we couldn't be happier. We have a list of places we want to travel to in the next 5 years and I can still talk to him for hours. As far as you wanting to try a separation, isn't that what you are kind of already doing since he is deployed. I would move out now and really see how you feel in your own space. |