Anyone else's kid graduating college without any social support network?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is graduating at the end of this month. They went to a T20 with a hefty amount of merit aid, turning down 2 Ivies in the process.

DD is graduating with honors, but is socially anxious, lonely, isolated, and doesn't have any close friends. She told me last night over the phone that she doesn't even want to go to graduation and is disgusted at the idea of attending Senior Week activities since she doesn't have any friends to attend them with. But she told me that she'll attend graduation because she knows it's important for me and DH. It makes me so sad that DD will graduate without the kind of life long friendships that most find in college. She doesn't talk to anyone from high school either, but I attribute that more to the pandemic than anything.

I skipped all the graduation stuff, including the ceremony. It was fine. I am an introvert. I did not want to be in all that graduation stuff — too stressful. I just wanted to get on with the rest of my life.

Separately, I totally believe SOME folks find life-long friends in college, possibly “many”, but I think “most” is not really the case if one would survey a very large sample of students 20 or 30 years after graduating college. Certainly I do expect my DC to have any life-long friends as a result of college.

Be there for your DC and celebrate them and their success, then help them as they move into the next stage of life. And no matter what, keep in touch with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's graduating from USC. And ironically, one of the two Ivies she turned down was Dartmouth (Penn was the other).

Surprised as Dartmouth College asks for peer recommendations in order to assure that applicants are social/have Eq skills.

That's just mean. My guess is COVID impacted this kid.

Oh and I know plenty of Dartmouth grads and kids going there who lack social skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oops, one more thing. I would not make her go to graduation.

+1

[Anonymous]

Reading this thread makes me nervous-my DD had a horrid experience in her DMV elite private school and we are counting on college being a better experience. This thread makes it clear that it isn’t necessarily better for everyone-and I don’t think her mental health can take another 4 years of exclusion and lack of meaningful peer relationships! She is quiet but athletic (will be on a sports team at school), whip smart and beautiful but not a big partier, which seems to be all kids her age want to do!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's graduating from USC. And ironically, one of the two Ivies she turned down was Dartmouth (Penn was the other).

Surprised as Dartmouth College asks for peer recommendations in order to assure that applicants are social/have Eq skills.

That's just mean. My guess is COVID impacted this kid.

Oh and I know plenty of Dartmouth grads and kids going there who lack social skills.

Nothing mean about it. Your comment, however, is designed to be mean.

[Anonymous]

Go to graduation and take her out to a special meal afterwards. Do you have any other relatives who would like to attend? It gets better for the introverts when they start working and are seen as a professional peer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread makes me nervous-my DD had a horrid experience in her DMV elite private school and we are counting on college being a better experience. This thread makes it clear that it isn’t necessarily better for everyone-and I don’t think her mental health can take another 4 years of exclusion and lack of meaningful peer relationships! She is quiet but athletic (will be on a sports team at school), whip smart and beautiful but not a big partier, which seems to be all kids her age want to do!!

This isn’t remotely true. Maybe it’s an issue with her elite private school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread makes me nervous-my DD had a horrid experience in her DMV elite private school and we are counting on college being a better experience. This thread makes it clear that it isn’t necessarily better for everyone-and I don’t think her mental health can take another 4 years of exclusion and lack of meaningful peer relationships! She is quiet but athletic (will be on a sports team at school), whip smart and beautiful but not a big partier, which seems to be all kids her age want to do!!

This isn’t remotely true. Maybe it’s an issue with her elite private school.

The this was the bolder saying all kids that age want to party. Not my experience at all. But my kids went/go to public school.

[Anonymous]

Don't romanticize college friendships. I had people I was friendly with in college - we hung out and laughed and did stuff. I graduated, promptly moved away and never spoke with them again. I don't even remember any of their last names. No big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Turning down dartmouth for usc is crazy

No, it isn't. depends upon major/career goals and financing as well as weather preference.

If OP's daughter had problems at USC, she almost certainly would have felt left out at the two most social Ivy League schools (Dartmouth & U Penn).

The fact that she was admitted to Dartmouth College indicates that she had solid peer recommendations which suggests that the social anxiety issue may be getting worse.

OP: Encourage your daughter to attend graduation. Encourage her to focus on the positives of her graduation, new career, moving on with life, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is graduating at the end of this month. They went to a T20 with a hefty amount of merit aid, turning down 2 Ivies in the process.

DD is graduating with honors, but is socially anxious, lonely, isolated, and doesn't have any close friends. She told me last night over the phone that she doesn't even want to go to graduation and is disgusted at the idea of attending Senior Week activities since she doesn't have any friends to attend them with. But she told me that she'll attend graduation because she knows it's important for me and DH. It makes me so sad that DD will graduate without the kind of life long friendships that most find in college. She doesn't talk to anyone from high school either, but I attribute that more to the pandemic than anything.

Are you just finding out about this social dynamic after four years in college?

What was your DD doing socially the summer breaks?

[Anonymous]

I'm sending you and your daughter a hug, OP. That is really unfortunate. I do hope you'll be able to give her a great family celebration though? Maybe throw a nice dinner for the extended family back where you live so she'll have something to look forward to?

I really think it would be helpful for you to write a different post her about the dangers of assuming that our kids will "find their people" at a huge school. While it's true that the raw numbers are there so that one could assume that some segment within the big school would be on her wavelength, (1) that could be like finding a needle in a haystack, and (2) some schools, especially the more selective ones, are actually looking for certain "types" of kids, and they may screening out the sorts of kids that are like yours. My DC's school seems to screen out bro culture kids and sorority types. (I'm sure these kids also screen themselves out by not applying.) And unless the thing about your kid that they want in their friend circle is something that revolves around an activity or club (theater, Black Student Union, drinking with the guys at a frat) I have no idea how they're supposed to find one another.

[Anonymous]

I went to a big school like SC and probably would have graduated without lifelong friends if I hadn't gotten lucky with two of my aprtment mates, randomly assigned, and met DH in my junior year. Those are the only three people with whom I have lifelong relationships. She should try to take up a sport or hobby that has regular group activities once she starts working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sending you and your daughter a hug, OP. That is really unfortunate. I do hope you'll be able to give her a great family celebration though? Maybe throw a nice dinner for the extended family back where you live so she'll have something to look forward to?

I really think it would be helpful for you to write a different post her about the dangers of assuming that our kids will "find their people" at a huge school. While it's true that the raw numbers are there so that one could assume that some segment within the big school would be on her wavelength, (1) that could be like finding a needle in a haystack, and (2) some schools, especially the more selective ones, are actually looking for certain "types" of kids, and they may screening out the sorts of kids that are like yours. My DC's school seems to screen out bro culture kids and sorority types. (I'm sure these kids also screen themselves out by not applying.) And unless the thing about your kid that they want in their friend circle is something that revolves around an activity or club (theater, Black Student Union, drinking with the guys at a frat) I have no idea how they're supposed to find one another.

Why ?

OP's daughter--according to OP's posts in this thread--had the same problem/issue during high school. The issue is not the high school or college--it is OP's daughter's social development at this point in her young life.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t talk up work friends. So many companies still doing hybrid, and the era of Friday happy hours is not back to where it used to be. They need to embrace hobbies. Take an art class, find a local kickball league. I know a lot of cities have a group where young professional females go on walk around neighborhood. Don’t know the name, but it is quite popular. After the walks they do happy hour or snacks.