Anyone else's kid graduating college without any social support network?

[Anonymous]

I'd recommend the Peace Corps. Our group was super diverse from alpha jocks to nerdy introverts and we became a family because we had to (and then because we wanted to) - and our experience was very typical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread makes me nervous-my DD had a horrid experience in her DMV elite private school and we are counting on college being a better experience. This thread makes it clear that it isn’t necessarily better for everyone-and I don’t think her mental health can take another 4 years of exclusion and lack of meaningful peer relationships! She is quiet but athletic (will be on a sports team at school), whip smart and beautiful but not a big partier, which seems to be all kids her age want to do!!

Did your kid not make friends with others on the sports team in HS? If she is playing her sport in college it will suck up an inordinate amount of time, so you need to make sure whatever impacted your daughter in HS isn't something that will just continue in college. The sports team will become an even larger part of the social network in college.

Initially the other girls on the sports team were kind and friendly but now they all have fake ID’s and go clubbing in DC every weekend or to exclusionary parties that she’s not invited to. It amazes me how these girls drink and even smoke pot on the regular but still maintain their athletic abilities (some at D1 level). Overall the team should have been more cohesive but it just didn’t work out that way-hoping the college team will be more serious and stay away from the substances but won’t know until she gets there. At least the school has the reputation for attracting a super smart and thoughtful crowd so I think she’ll fit in from that standpoint. It’s been really hard as a mom to watch all the exclusion and hurt feelings over the years-she did nothing to deserve such treatment-kids around here are terrible! I feel for the OP as it is tough for kind girls who aren’t aggressively marketing themselves on social media often get ignored.

[Anonymous]

This was me in college. I think people have always, even to this day, struggled to make friends in hierarchical environments like schools and workplaces. In those sorts of environments, people care a lot about arbitrary norms and popularity. I made a bunch of friends outside of my college through shared hobbies/interests. It was so much easier to do, since in those environments you don’t have to worry as much about fitting in—you fit in if you show up.

[Anonymous]

Didn't someone post this same thread a few days ago?

Everyone is Bowling Alone now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread makes me nervous-my DD had a horrid experience in her DMV elite private school and we are counting on college being a better experience. This thread makes it clear that it isn’t necessarily better for everyone-and I don’t think her mental health can take another 4 years of exclusion and lack of meaningful peer relationships! She is quiet but athletic (will be on a sports team at school), whip smart and beautiful but not a big partier, which seems to be all kids her age want to do!!

My kid wants to transfer after 1 year in their college. DC didn't have a great high school experience largely due to social issues post covid. DH and I feel very guilty because we sold college as this awesome experience based on our path in the 90s. I wish I could take all those words of certainty back.

Does your DD have a therapist? If not, maybe put one in place before she goes. She's going to HAVE to put herself out there and for a person who has been burned socially (like my DC), not a big partier, or more introverted - retreating to their devices is easier and much less risky. A therapist can talk her through her social interactions and provide support if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t talk up work friends. So many companies still doing hybrid, and the era of Friday happy hours is not back to where it used to be. They need to embrace hobbies. Take an art class, find a local kickball league. I know a lot of cities have a group where young professional females go on walk around neighborhood. Don’t know the name, but it is quite popular. After the walks they do happy hour or snacks.

It's pickleball now.

And they are women, not females.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd recommend the Peace Corps. Our group was super diverse from alpha jocks to nerdy introverts and we became a family because we had to (and then because we wanted to) - and our experience was very typical.

This is not a bad idea. I think hoping to make friends at work is really risky. I'm a super social person but I'm never worked in an office with people my age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t talk up work friends. So many companies still doing hybrid, and the era of Friday happy hours is not back to where it used to be. They need to embrace hobbies. Take an art class, find a local kickball league. I know a lot of cities have a group where young professional females go on walk around neighborhood. Don’t know the name, but it is quite popular. After the walks they do happy hour or snacks.

It's pickleball now.

And they are women, not females.

Six of one….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread makes me nervous-my DD had a horrid experience in her DMV elite private school and we are counting on college being a better experience. This thread makes it clear that it isn’t necessarily better for everyone-and I don’t think her mental health can take another 4 years of exclusion and lack of meaningful peer relationships! She is quiet but athletic (will be on a sports team at school), whip smart and beautiful but not a big partier, which seems to be all kids her age want to do!!

Did your kid not make friends with others on the sports team in HS? If she is playing her sport in college it will suck up an inordinate amount of time, so you need to make sure whatever impacted your daughter in HS isn't something that will just continue in college. The sports team will become an even larger part of the social network in college.

Initially the other girls on the sports team were kind and friendly but now they all have fake ID’s and go clubbing in DC every weekend or to exclusionary parties that she’s not invited to. It amazes me how these girls drink and even smoke pot on the regular but still maintain their athletic abilities (some at D1 level). Overall the team should have been more cohesive but it just didn’t work out that way-hoping the college team will be more serious and stay away from the substances but won’t know until she gets there. At least the school has the reputation for attracting a super smart and thoughtful crowd so I think she’ll fit in from that standpoint. It’s been really hard as a mom to watch all the exclusion and hurt feelings over the years-she did nothing to deserve such treatment-kids around here are terrible! I feel for the OP as it is tough for kind girls who aren’t aggressively marketing themselves on social media often get ignored.

I think the bolded is key when it comes to our kids selecting colleges. The kids have to know what the dominant vibe of the college will be. If they don't fit the dominant vibe, they may not enjoy their college experience as much.

My DD is also quiet, not a partier, more on nerdy side. She got into some top schools where the dominant vibe is more extroverted/greek. Those wouldn't have given her a good college experience even though the academics were stellar. I'm glad she picked a school where she fits the dominant vibe more.

OP - too late for your daughter now. I'm sorry she is feeling this way. USC canceled the main graduation though, right? Are you referring to the smaller, departmental graduations they are having (at least, I think are having?).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Turning down dartmouth for usc is crazy

No, it isn't. depends upon major/career goals and financing as well as weather preference.

If OP's daughter had problems at USC, she almost certainly would have felt left out at the two most social Ivy League schools (Dartmouth & U Penn).

The fact that she was admitted to Dartmouth College indicates that she had solid peer recommendations which suggests that the social anxiety issue may be getting worse.

OP: Encourage your daughter to attend graduation. Encourage her to focus on the positives of her graduation, new career, moving on with life, etc.

Dartmouth and Penn have markedly more dorks / people who aren’t fashionable / look/groom themselves glamourously vs USC

USC is closer to SMU than it is Dartmouth/penn

[Anonymous]

I made almost no friends in college and am still embarrassed to be connected to those people on social media because they keep sharing so many great memories from their time in college that I obviously wasn't part of. I'm not a social loner or an introvert, that particular college was just a bad fit for me, and it was small and I didn't choose it myself (long story.) Anyway, today I have a much more interesting life and career than any of them, and I don't have any social problems. I have spent a lot of time in therapy though to deal with other issues, and I'd highly recommend therapy to any person going through any difficult time.

[Anonymous]

Some people don't have many friends; it's okay. Hopefully, after college she will make one or two good friends. It 's okay. she has you has a good support system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She will work after college. Hopefully she will befriend some of her coworkers.

I am really concerned about her though. She never found her social footing in high school. The pandemic worsened it. She doesn't talk to anyone from high school. College has been more of the same. Sometimes I wonder if she has high-functioning autism or ADHD, but we got her a neuropsych in September (when she started therapy) and they said no to both.

My kid was diagnosed with high-functioning autism at the start of college while that helps understand why, it didn’t come with a blueprint of how to make and keep friends or how we as parents support the journey of our adult child. I feel strongly that the key is being able to accept yourself and feel worthy. I once heard a book or podcast where the person spoke being able to look back to their 8 year old self (which for them was that pivotal moment) and accepting both their strengths and imperfections and loving all the parts of them and bringing it full circle to who they were today.

So this is to say your daughter has the find those ways to accept and love the person that may not have found their social footing in hs and possibly not in college either in this world that often looks to external validation for worth. Having a peer support group with other people that have had similar struggles might help as well as an individual therapist. As a parent, speaking for myself, I feel like I need parent peer support along the same lines. I have close friends that by coincidence we all have one child with a neurodivergent diagnosis. Without those friends I would feel incredibly isolated. We remind each other how great our kids really are and their strengths when sometimes as a parent it can be hard. We are also each other’s cheerleaders as parents.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. Your daughter is part of a very unfortunate cohort that started college during the pandemic, so that has to be rough. Have you seen this article from WSJ? I can't speak to how true this is since I don't have a college aged kid yet but it made me really sad for kids now if true.

https://www.wsj.com/us-news/education/college-fun-covid-pandemic-anxiety-ea992cee

[Anonymous]

OP, if she can be comfortable doing it, my DD has made friends on Bumble friend finder. My DD moved to a city where she knew no one and she has met a couple of girls she meets for coffee or a drink and takes walks with.