How would you help a sibling who cannot handle things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well obviously she needs to use all the government aid she can. The ACA for healthcare in her state, for example. Her kids can be on Medicaid and have all their medical and some dental care covered. She will be eligible for food stamps, her kids can get free lunch at school, etc. If they can stay in school and graduate, they will then be eligible for a lot of financial aid for college. The goal is not so much supporting her, as it is to hoist her kids out of that spiral and keep them on a college track.

If you can set up all that, it will be the most long-term way to help.

While these are all great programs, don't you have to be on disability to be eligible for Medicaid, food stamps, and so on? The government doesn't just hand out help to people who don't want to work. OP hasn't mentioned any physical or mental disabilities.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you help the kids directly? Buy them clothes, shoes, school supplies etc? Pay for their swim lessons?

shouldn’t the dad pay for his kids?

If Dad is able to sure, but if not, this is a way of helping kids without enabling the sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one
Has kids
Divorced and ex-spouse doesn’t provide much in the way of support
Does not live around here (8+ hours drive from DC area)

Kind of at a loss as to how to help, especially for the sake of the kids.

Nope. They need to get a job.

To the extent you can host the young cousins ever, do that.

But do not start a precedent of funding your adult siblings life or issues. If they need welfare help them sign up for all their benefits or direct them to NGOs who can help.

You have more than enough stuff to be saving you and your spouses income for for now and the future (401k, 529s, IRAs, emergency funds, retirement, elderly care, family vacations, kids ECs, travel, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one
Has kids
Divorced and ex-spouse doesn’t provide much in the way of support
Does not live around here (8+ hours drive from DC area)

Kind of at a loss as to how to help, especially for the sake of the kids.

What does this mean? The ex doesn’t pay their court ordered child support or split the kid bills??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one

Is not working just their preference? Or are they unable to work for some reason? I think there is a big difference between unwilling to work and unable to work. Either way, they way you've framed it ("likely will not get one") doesn't help move toward a solution.

Not clear to me. Totally able-bodied. No physical health issues. But has never been able to really handle much. Was very much babied. I am not sure if this was because she was not capable or if she has some learned incompetence since she never did anything. Either way, I am 99% sure there will be no real job.

Well then.


I assume they never had a neuropsych test or any mental disorders or learning disabilities to treat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one

Is not working just their preference? Or are they unable to work for some reason? I think there is a big difference between unwilling to work and unable to work. Either way, they way you've framed it ("likely will not get one") doesn't help move toward a solution.

Does she live in an area of poor/no job opportunities? Is she mentally or physically incapable of working? Or is she leaning hard into the idea that she set out to be a SAHM for life and nothing will change her mind? Being a non-earning single parent is a pretty good way to ensure poverty for herself and the kids, especially since it sounds as though the ex doesn't have a lot to contribute.

It's hard to help people who don't do much to help themselves.

No. She lives in an expensive area with lots of jobs. Part of the issue is that it is expensive. She cannot move too far out of the area because of ex-h and the kids.

She definitely sees herself as entitled to being a stay at home mom. But I am not sure she really could do anything else.

So she’s on alimony for how long?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one
Has kids
Divorced and ex-spouse doesn’t provide much in the way of support
Does not live around here (8+ hours drive from DC area)

Kind of at a loss as to how to help, especially for the sake of the kids.

What does this mean? The ex doesn’t pay their court ordered child support or split the kid bills??

Does pay court ordered support. It just isn’t much. Certainly not enough for her and kids to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one

Is not working just their preference? Or are they unable to work for some reason? I think there is a big difference between unwilling to work and unable to work. Either way, they way you've framed it ("likely will not get one") doesn't help move toward a solution.

Does she live in an area of poor/no job opportunities? Is she mentally or physically incapable of working? Or is she leaning hard into the idea that she set out to be a SAHM for life and nothing will change her mind? Being a non-earning single parent is a pretty good way to ensure poverty for herself and the kids, especially since it sounds as though the ex doesn't have a lot to contribute.

It's hard to help people who don't do much to help themselves.

No. She lives in an expensive area with lots of jobs. Part of the issue is that it is expensive. She cannot move too far out of the area because of ex-h and the kids.

She definitely sees herself as entitled to being a stay at home mom. But I am not sure she really could do anything else.

So she’s on alimony for how long?

No. No alimony. He pay child support. But he was giving her extra money. Has stopped doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one

Is not working just their preference? Or are they unable to work for some reason? I think there is a big difference between unwilling to work and unable to work. Either way, they way you've framed it ("likely will not get one") doesn't help move toward a solution.

Not clear to me. Totally able-bodied. No physical health issues. But has never been able to really handle much. Was very much babied. I am not sure if this was because she was not capable or if she has some learned incompetence since she never did anything. Either way, I am 99% sure there will be no real job.

Well then.


I assume they never had a neuropsych test or any mental disorders or learning disabilities to treat?

Not that I know about. Did well in school.

[Anonymous]

It seems if she gets to the point of being homeless, then her ex can take his kids until she pulls herself together. It doesn’t sound like he’s a deadbeat Dad.

Sending money will not solve her problem — she needs to step up and get a job and she won’t as long as handouts keep coming. You can look for any sources of transitional support in her area, like a women’s center or a charity that has programs for job training and help getting into the workforce and give her the information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a sister like this but no kids I will just commiserate - you end up giving her money because you care and are kind and you hate yourself for it and are jealous of all the people that have money and don’t have to deal with supporting adult family members. That’s it, that’s what will happen.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one

Is not working just their preference? Or are they unable to work for some reason? I think there is a big difference between unwilling to work and unable to work. Either way, they way you've framed it ("likely will not get one") doesn't help move toward a solution.

Not clear to me. Totally able-bodied. No physical health issues. But has never been able to really handle much. Was very much babied. I am not sure if this was because she was not capable or if she has some learned incompetence since she never did anything. Either way, I am 99% sure there will be no real job.

Well then.


I assume they never had a neuropsych test or any mental disorders or learning disabilities to treat?

Not that I know about. Did well in school.

I have a sister that did well in school and then she developed a mental illness. She hid it very well. Most people who meet her don't realize it unless they get into deeper conversations with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one

Is not working just their preference? Or are they unable to work for some reason? I think there is a big difference between unwilling to work and unable to work. Either way, they way you've framed it ("likely will not get one") doesn't help move toward a solution.

Not clear to me. Totally able-bodied. No physical health issues. But has never been able to really handle much. Was very much babied. I am not sure if this was because she was not capable or if she has some learned incompetence since she never did anything. Either way, I am 99% sure there will be no real job.

Well then.


I assume they never had a neuropsych test or any mental disorders or learning disabilities to treat?

+1. Sounds a lot like my ADHD sibling. Needed a lot of structure and support to succeed.

[Anonymous]

I think my nephew with ADHD would have ended up like this if his parents had not been aware of ADHD, medicated him effectively and gave him all the necessary supports through college and beyond. He is happily married with a successful career in his mid-30s and expecting their first child. My parents had no idea how to handle my brother with undiagnosed ADHD since all they called it back then was "hyperactivity"'and gave parents no guidance. He has failed to launch miserably despite intelligence, good looks and amazing social skills.