How would you help a sibling who cannot handle things?

[Anonymous]

No job and likely will not get one
Has kids
Divorced and ex-spouse doesn’t provide much in the way of support
Does not live around here (8+ hours drive from DC area)

Kind of at a loss as to how to help, especially for the sake of the kids.

[Anonymous]

This is not a sustainable picture. How does/will she support herself and kids with no income?

[Anonymous]

You don't. They are a grown up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a sustainable picture. How does/will she support herself and kids with no income?

Ex-h paid rent for a while. Now has reached the end of that term and has no way to pay next month’s rent. She will sell stuff and get a little money. Parents sometimes give her some, but they do not have a lot. Used credit cards for a while and ran those up.

It is a big disaster. I am very concerned about what will happen to the kids, but we cannot fund her entire life. I really don’t know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Well obviously she needs to use all the government aid she can. The ACA for healthcare in her state, for example. Her kids can be on Medicaid and have all their medical and some dental care covered. She will be eligible for food stamps, her kids can get free lunch at school, etc. If they can stay in school and graduate, they will then be eligible for a lot of financial aid for college. The goal is not so much supporting her, as it is to hoist her kids out of that spiral and keep them on a college track.

If you can set up all that, it will be the most long-term way to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one

Is not working just their preference? Or are they unable to work for some reason? I think there is a big difference between unwilling to work and unable to work. Either way, they way you've framed it ("likely will not get one") doesn't help move toward a solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one

Is not working just their preference? Or are they unable to work for some reason? I think there is a big difference between unwilling to work and unable to work. Either way, they way you've framed it ("likely will not get one") doesn't help move toward a solution.

Does she live in an area of poor/no job opportunities? Is she mentally or physically incapable of working? Or is she leaning hard into the idea that she set out to be a SAHM for life and nothing will change her mind? Being a non-earning single parent is a pretty good way to ensure poverty for herself and the kids, especially since it sounds as though the ex doesn't have a lot to contribute.

It's hard to help people who don't do much to help themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one

Is not working just their preference? Or are they unable to work for some reason? I think there is a big difference between unwilling to work and unable to work. Either way, they way you've framed it ("likely will not get one") doesn't help move toward a solution.

Not clear to me. Totally able-bodied. No physical health issues. But has never been able to really handle much. Was very much babied. I am not sure if this was because she was not capable or if she has some learned incompetence since she never did anything. Either way, I am 99% sure there will be no real job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one

Is not working just their preference? Or are they unable to work for some reason? I think there is a big difference between unwilling to work and unable to work. Either way, they way you've framed it ("likely will not get one") doesn't help move toward a solution.

Does she live in an area of poor/no job opportunities? Is she mentally or physically incapable of working? Or is she leaning hard into the idea that she set out to be a SAHM for life and nothing will change her mind? Being a non-earning single parent is a pretty good way to ensure poverty for herself and the kids, especially since it sounds as though the ex doesn't have a lot to contribute.

It's hard to help people who don't do much to help themselves.

No. She lives in an expensive area with lots of jobs. Part of the issue is that it is expensive. She cannot move too far out of the area because of ex-h and the kids.

She definitely sees herself as entitled to being a stay at home mom. But I am not sure she really could do anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one

Is not working just their preference? Or are they unable to work for some reason? I think there is a big difference between unwilling to work and unable to work. Either way, they way you've framed it ("likely will not get one") doesn't help move toward a solution.

Does she live in an area of poor/no job opportunities? Is she mentally or physically incapable of working? Or is she leaning hard into the idea that she set out to be a SAHM for life and nothing will change her mind? Being a non-earning single parent is a pretty good way to ensure poverty for herself and the kids, especially since it sounds as though the ex doesn't have a lot to contribute.

It's hard to help people who don't do much to help themselves.

No. She lives in an expensive area with lots of jobs. Part of the issue is that it is expensive. She cannot move too far out of the area because of ex-h and the kids.

She definitely sees herself as entitled to being a stay at home mom. But I am not sure she really could do anything else.

Sure she can. Every fast food place in the nation has a help wanted sign out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well obviously she needs to use all the government aid she can. The ACA for healthcare in her state, for example. Her kids can be on Medicaid and have all their medical and some dental care covered. She will be eligible for food stamps, her kids can get free lunch at school, etc. If they can stay in school and graduate, they will then be eligible for a lot of financial aid for college. The goal is not so much supporting her, as it is to hoist her kids out of that spiral and keep them on a college track.

If you can set up all that, it will be the most long-term way to help.

Help her set up this and look into rental assistance, utility assistance and other programs as well.

Send the kids clothing, and hygiene products and shoes or when you see them take them shopping. Buy them directly so you know they are getting them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one

Is not working just their preference? Or are they unable to work for some reason? I think there is a big difference between unwilling to work and unable to work. Either way, they way you've framed it ("likely will not get one") doesn't help move toward a solution.

Does she live in an area of poor/no job opportunities? Is she mentally or physically incapable of working? Or is she leaning hard into the idea that she set out to be a SAHM for life and nothing will change her mind? Being a non-earning single parent is a pretty good way to ensure poverty for herself and the kids, especially since it sounds as though the ex doesn't have a lot to contribute.

It's hard to help people who don't do much to help themselves.

No. She lives in an expensive area with lots of jobs. Part of the issue is that it is expensive. She cannot move too far out of the area because of ex-h and the kids.

She definitely sees herself as entitled to being a stay at home mom. But I am not sure she really could do anything else.

She CAN move out of the area with a judge's permission if Dad/ex is not providing child support/alimony till she gets back on her feet and her income, which she needs to get doesn't cover basic rent and expenses.

[Anonymous]

I think you step back and let her be an adult.

[Anonymous]

I have a sister like this but no kids I will just commiserate - you end up giving her money because you care and are kind and you hate yourself for it and are jealous of all the people that have money and don’t have to deal with supporting adult family members. That’s it, that’s what will happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a sustainable picture. How does/will she support herself and kids with no income?

Ex-h paid rent for a while. Now has reached the end of that term and has no way to pay next month’s rent. She will sell stuff and get a little money. Parents sometimes give her some, but they do not have a lot. Used credit cards for a while and ran those up.

It is a big disaster. I am very concerned about what will happen to the kids, but we cannot fund her entire life. I really don’t know what to do.

It sounds like she and the kids need to relocate to live with your parents. I don't see many other options. And she will need to get some sort of job.