ugly divorce, no family, where did you find support?

[Anonymous]

My mother is dead. My father has dementia. My soon (I only wish sooner) to be ex is as ugly, unpleasant, and uncooperative as a human being could ever be.

Clearly one cannot use one's attorney for anything but legal advice. But what about just all those other questions that come up, that aren't legal, but are really important? Who did you turn to? How did you get the support and advice you needed?

[Anonymous]

Check out the Women's Center in Vienna.

Support online here, survivinginfertility.com, other sites.

[Anonymous]

What kinds of questions do you need answered. Post here and I'm sure a lot of people would be happy to answer (myself included). hang in there. It will be ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kinds of questions do you need answered. Post here and I'm sure a lot of people would be happy to answer (myself included). hang in there. It will be ok.

My soon to be ex and I have a schedule worked out for our toddler. We both agreed to it. It's designed to minimize transitions (DS finds it stressful to have different bedtime routines, etc.) and to try to maintain the structure of the week (e.g. every Sunday Monday and Tuesday nights are daddy's nights; every Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are mommy's nights) because he knows his days of the week. My soon to be ex constantly wants "trades." As in "I have to be in Timbuktu on Tuesday night and want to trade a night with you" and "I want to see a friend and can't pick up our son on Sunday night so you can have him, but I want a compensatory day." My attorney has told me to be flexible, and I have tried to be flexible, but isn't this a bit excessive? We're talking about a conflict arising for my husband probably once every other week. Also, I have a demanding work schedule and book a lot of meetings on the days I don't have our son so that I can spend more time with him on the days I do have him.

Here's another gray area: My soon-to-be-ex travels frequently with our son. Every week he has trips planned, to different places. I feel it's pretty disruptive on our son, who has expressed interest in potty training and who gets really cranky when his sleep schedule is off. My attorney says that short of illegal activity, my husband is allowed to do what he'd like with our son and that I should not try to interfer with this, I will look bad.

There are a lot of things that aren't "legal," but that are very disruptive and problematic. I just don't know how to help sort out the best answer for my son and for me....

[Anonymous]

OP,

We split when our child was a toddler. It's tricky to balance flexibility and consistency. We agreed to no trades for elective travel or outings, and to some makeup for work travel, but not one makeup day for every day of work travel.

Two conflicts a month isn't off the charts, but if they're mainly social rather than work- or family-related, I'd say that's excessive. (By family, his parents.)

What's with all the weekend travel? Is your ex manic, can't stand to be alone?

Ideally you two should find a parenting coordinator, a psychologist who, unlike an attorney, is trained to be attuned to these things. Also, what does your attorney mean by look bad? To whom?

[Anonymous]

"I want to trade nights with you because I want to go out to celebrate St. Patrick's Day."

"No. Enjoy St. Patrick's Day. You can pick him up on your next scheduled day."

"What?! You're being unreasonable."

"No, I am following the court's order that is in place."

WRT travel during his time, nothing to be done about that. Plenty of people feel that traveling, spending time with family, etc. is more important than schedules. My husband and I excused ourselves from family outings when it was time for naps or bedtime. My sister and her husband keep theirs up past bedtime until they melt down so they can spend more time with their cousins. I have just stopped telling her that we totally understand that it is bed time and it is time for them to get ready. They feel that time with family is more important than a weekend bedtime. A difference in opinion, but her children are just as a happy, thriving, and wonderful as mine are.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, my lawyer wouldn't advise me to be "flexible" on some of this. The key question is what is the best interest of your child. To me, a toddle's best interest is consistency and stability, and I don't think the constant switching and traveling is a good thing, especially in the early stages of a separation. By age 4-5, you will be able to be more flexible.

I agree w/ the PP that it might be a good idea to meet with a parenting coordinator. If you haven't signed a custody agreement yet, you need to have a parenting agreement in there that covers some of this, including a provision to meet with a parenting coordinator if you disagree on some of these types of things.

[Anonymous]

http://www.newbeginningsusa.org/nbtest/

at New Beginnings

[Anonymous]

00:58 OP didn't say the weekend trips were to family. It could be friends and family. (He sounds like my ex. He hates to be alone.) As for comparing you and your sister, the thing with sharing custody is there is overlap. If you're ex disturbs the routine, you pay for it with a cranky child. Which compromises an already compromised existence.

Hang in there, OP.

[Anonymous]

I agree with getting to a parent coordinator. I'm sure it's expensive working through your lawyer on these items.

IMO, you shouldn't be too flexible with the visitation schedule for social things. Work or illness is one thing but to have plans is irresponsible and lazy. He can schedule those things on his off days. I know it's hard to say no when it involves the care of your son. Is there a trust worthy babysitter you have that can provide these types of coverages and your X pay? You should also document how often he cancels in case you ever want to go back to court to adjust visitation.

Where are his travels too? You can try sending him an email explaining your concerns over consistency and the potty training plan. It's hard when the X isn't on the same page parenting wise. My only other advice is just be the best parent you can on your time. That's the only thing you can control.

[Anonymous]

OP here. It's social, he misses his friends, they have parties or "events" and he wants to participate... I do document, but it's just very very stressful the number of requests, his reaction ("you should be GRATEFUL that I'm offering you the chance to spend time with our son. i'll take a trade any weekend, even in JUNE, what's wrong with you that you can't do this?"), and the fact that he cc:s his parents and others (and who am I going to cc my sick father?). I just feel very beseiged.

Also we only have a temporary order. We have a court date in June. That's why my attorney encourages cooperation, flexibility, etc.

[Anonymous]

"Also we only have a temporary order. We have a court date in June. That's why my attorney encourages cooperation, flexibility, etc. "

All right, but your responses should always be couched in terms of what is the best interest of your child. You can be cooperative and flexible, but still push for what you believe is right for your child.

[Anonymous]

True. Just respond "I'd love to but I can't because of prior commitments. I'm encouraging you to cancel your plans to spend time with our son". Who cares who he cc's. His family should think he's a loser. Plus really, would you cc your dad so he knows your issues? Try not to let his behavior dictate your behavior. He needs to be responsible or maybe his family can step in and babysit. My agreement has there needs to be 48 hrs notice before changing visitation and we each have first right of refusal if the other can't do the visitation (have to ask the other parent if they want to watch the kid's before the cancelling one gets a sitter or asking family). Make sure your lawyer has all bases covered before u go to court.

You can always write here for support or on ivillage's Surviving Divorce and Separation's message board.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm in the same boat with the STBX and the family far away and frankly not able to withstand the strain of my stress on top of their own.

First, the advice you're getting is different from what my atty says re: flexibility. It should be something you tighten up in the final terms, most definitely. A toddler does not understand anything but consistent pattern. Tuesday = Daddy's day Wednesday = Mommy's house. A color-coded calendar (pink / blue shaded) does wonders to answer their questions about when and who. So switching is detrimental, and I certainly would not accomodate a reschedule for his social events. Cover, yes. Swap that night for another night that works better for him, no. Plus, for your own sake for work travel, you need back up care. The parent who has custody (per temp orders) should be responsible for finding alternate childcare if the ex isn't able to cover for him/her. Period. If you can, do cover since it's your child and frankly makes him look bad to be subbing out his evenings with his child. (Hello? Judge?) But it sounds like he might be trying to sabotage your job by stranding you with no childcare when he has an emergency come up.

If you were close to me, I'd be happy to help a fellow sojourner out (Loudoun) if you get caught in a crunch. Try to find other single moms/ dads (meetup.com?) that you can start getting to know now to form a patchwork quilt of support and back up care. Take contemporaneous notes of how many times your ex cancels and the reason so you can show the judge his own performance doesn't warrant that much custody time (he's an idiot for handing this to you on a silver platter, imo).

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I second the recommendation to join New Beginnings. You'll meet other people in similar situations that will provide moral support and other helpful resources. I got separated in Nov. and just joined.