Deciding on whether to have a 2nd child when you don't know how severe your 1st will be disabled

[Anonymous]

I have a one year old with a neurological condition resulting in extreme delays. We don't know if he will ever walk or talk. He's a spirited little thing and getting stronger every day, so I think (hope) he will walk eventually even if it's not for a few years. I know parents of NT kids don't know for certain what their kids future lives hold, but I know my friends with NT kids don't sit around now wondering if their child will ever be able to live independently. Which I do. A lot. I find myself wondering about a second and what weighed in favor for or against for other people. I think it would be great for my child to have a sibling to provide motivation ("if he can do it maybe I can do it"), to hopefully be a friend, someone to watch out for him when we are gone. On the other hand, having a special needs child is difficult, and I find I am only able to be as positive as I am because I can take time for myself and my relationship. It seems that if I am feeling strong in my relationship and feeling good about myself (e.g. get enough exercise), then I am a much better mother and able to handle the challenges my child faces. If I had a second kid, I feel like my "me" time would have to take a backseat during the infant years. It's something I think is totally normal when you have two kids, but you just suck it up for a while and eventually balance returns and life is good again. But I worry that this would make me less able to handle the challenges of kid #1 (staying on top of all the therapies and doctors while working, continuing to do all the therapy homework every day with the hope of small gains in motor skills, not getting depressed about the sloooow rate of development etc.).

Do people have a second child just to make sure #1 has someone to take care of them or to give #1 a built in playmate? Seems like a huge burden to put on #2. But is it selfish to not have a second child if the decision not to have a child is somewhat selfish? Even if the selfish reason is that having time for me is what makes me a good mom to #1?

I'd be interested to hear from other who had a disabled #1 why or why not they decided to have #2.

[Anonymous]

I was in the same situation. Have you had any genetic testing done? I wanted to identify if possible if DC1's issues were likely to reoccur. I had kids late and could not handle 2 disabled kids. Might be something to think about. It sounds like you are an amazing mom, your little one is so lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a one year old with a neurological condition resulting in extreme delays. We don't know if he will ever walk or talk. He's a spirited little thing and getting stronger every day, so I think (hope) he will walk eventually even if it's not for a few years. I know parents of NT kids don't know for certain what their kids future lives hold, but I know my friends with NT kids don't sit around now wondering if their child will ever be able to live independently. Which I do. A lot. I find myself wondering about a second and what weighed in favor for or against for other people. I think it would be great for my child to have a sibling to provide motivation ("if he can do it maybe I can do it"), to hopefully be a friend, someone to watch out for him when we are gone. On the other hand, having a special needs child is difficult, and I find I am only able to be as positive as I am because I can take time for myself and my relationship. It seems that if I am feeling strong in my relationship and feeling good about myself (e.g. get enough exercise), then I am a much better mother and able to handle the challenges my child faces. If I had a second kid, I feel like my "me" time would have to take a backseat during the infant years. It's something I think is totally normal when you have two kids, but you just suck it up for a while and eventually balance returns and life is good again. But I worry that this would make me less able to handle the challenges of kid #1 (staying on top of all the therapies and doctors while working, continuing to do all the therapy homework every day with the hope of small gains in motor skills, not getting depressed about the sloooow rate of development etc.).

Do people have a second child just to make sure #1 has someone to take care of them or to give #1 a built in playmate? Seems like a huge burden to put on #2. But is it selfish to not have a second child if the decision not to have a child is somewhat selfish? Even if the selfish reason is that having time for me is what makes me a good mom to #1?

I'd be interested to hear from other who had a disabled #1 why or why not they decided to have #2.

No one I know had a second child to get a play mate or care giver for child #1 with a disability. You can start the childfind process - public school programs and services for ages 2-5 :
http://commweb.fcps.edu/programprofile/overview.cfm?ProgramID=98

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who has an autistic child who is pretty severely impacted. He can walk and talks a bit, but he is very high maintenance compared to a NT child. She went on to have two more kids, and she thinks it was good overall. She loves all her kids, and doesn't compare them because they are all totally different kids. I don't know how she does it but she has managed to get a lot of help for her oldest which has made a big difference.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We would not have a second without getting genetic testing done so we are a long way away from having a serious conversation about a second one. But even if the genetics turn out ok, does that tell me everything I need to know? What if I had a second one and he/she turned out to be a jerk? I guess I'm saying that genetic testing will only get me so far in the decision, and I worry that because I have a special needs #1, I will expect #2 to be perfectly healthy which is a poor assumption to make. I may have a special needs #1, but I also have the world's best sleeper, happiest funniest little guy around. #2 could be perfectly healthy but not sleep through the night until he's 2!

[Anonymous]

This is such a personal decision that no one can or should really tell you what's right. However, I'm gonna kind of do just that.

I would say that if your criteria for bringing another life into this world is to have a playmate for 1, or someone to care for him when you are too old/die, then don't. That is selfish. It is a burden on #2 that he/she had no opportunity to choose or not. Have number 2 because YOU want that child and have the resources and commitment to do it operating under the assumption of worst case scenario for number 1 (can't walk, talk, live independently). If you cannot make that decision now, then don't. Even if you are about to become "too old" to reproduce, don't make it. There are alternatives if that's the case if you decide later you can handle it and do want it very much.

[Anonymous]

Your second child will be the world's worst sleeper, will hate vegetables, have a food allergy, be allergic to your cat, bite, only want to wear red, demand your constant attention, want Star Wars read to them every 30 minutes, be grumpy when they're tired, be a Daddy's girl/boy, and wish their big brother was never born 60% of the time. They will demand that you play with them when #1 is napping, get sick in the middle of the night, beg for horse lessons and roller skates, and want to take tae kwon do three times a week. If you still want a 2nd child knowing all that, then you should try to have one. If only a perfect child will do, then consider sticking with one.

[Anonymous]

Slightly different situation here -

We have twins, one of whom is severely disabled. Frankly we love being surrounded by children, but one of the "pros" in our deciding to have a third was that our second wouldn't have to be "alone" in taking accountability responsibility for her disabled sibling. To be honest you can't "count" on any of your kids growing up to even be willing to be responsible, and accountable for their sibling. That's their choice to make in the context of all the successes and failures that they themselves will have to deal with in their own life. So it's definitely NOT reason alone to have another kid.

As someone mentioned, one of the considerations are the chances of having another with the same problem.

For me - I'd say if you can afford it (emotionally and financially), love children, and have had genetic testing, then have as many as you can.

[Anonymous]

PP - btw, our disabled is also in the similar situation - extreme delays, will probably never walk or talk.

The principal difference was twins and deciding to go from #2 to #3 (as opposed to your decision to go from #1 to #2).

Again to underscore - if you've taken reasonable measures to ensure that this disability was a random occurrence and not a part of something that is more likely to happen the next time around than it would to any other jane or john doe walking down the street, then have as many as you can afford, love, and provide for.

[Anonymous]

I have a DS with special needs that were not identified in the genetic testing. I wouldn't trade DS in a nanosecond. Love him with all my heart.

Just wanted to gently remind that there are no guarantees. Even with the testing.

[Anonymous]

Your first child is still very young. If I were you, I would wait a few years before deciding to have number 2 or not. Myabe wait till he is 5. By that time, you will know better what the future holds for your child. You will know if he is talking/walking, if he can go to a regular school or not...etc. If it looks like your child will never be able to live indepently, if he still has very severe delays, I personally would not have number 2 as number 1 would be such a big financial and emotional burden. I would say mostly the financial part would scare me, having to financially support your child for the rest of his life is a huge burden especially a child who needs lots of expensive therapy/services.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your first child is still very young. If I were you, I would wait a few years before deciding to have number 2 or not. Myabe wait till he is 5. By that time, you will know better what the future holds for your child. You will know if he is talking/walking, if he can go to a regular school or not...etc. If it looks like your child will never be able to live indepently, if he still has very severe delays, I personally would not have number 2 as number 1 would be such a big financial and emotional burden. I would say mostly the financial part would scare me, having to financially support your child for the rest of his life is a huge burden especially a child who needs lots of expensive therapy/services.

I agree with this.
In our case, we have two kids, although we didn't find out about the first's suspected ASD until after the second one was born. We wanted three kids and I decided to postpone thinking about the third until we had a better understanding of the first one's situation. Fast forward 8 years, and we will not have that third child and I've come to terms with it.
Even though my oldest's problems pale in comparison to those of some other children with SN, I have spent so much time and energy dealing with them that I'm not sure how a third kid would have fared in our household. Our second one has miraculously turned out to be the little kid who pulls herself by her bootstraps, perpetually ignored when she wasn't dragged along to therapy sessions for the oldest, and has turned out fine, but if she had had problems too I would be in a straightjacket by now.

[Anonymous]

For us, NOT having an additional kid BECAUSE we already have a special needs kid was unthinkable. If anything, it's all the more reason TO have another kid. The big key - as another poster put it though - is whether you can afford it financially and emotionally. For us it's been nothing but a joy to have another child, and we hope to have one more.

Only you can know how much you can afford financially, and emotionally. None of us here on the message board can answer that for you. We can just give you some principles that might govern our decisions were we in your shoes.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you so much for all the thoughtful replies. I appreciate the reminder that I don't know what I will get with the second child, and I should not have any expectations that would be unfair to #2 (such as to be a friend for DS or to care for DS when we're gone). I also appreciate the thinking about whether we could afford a second child emotionally and financially, and I guess that is where my struggle really is. With DS's disability, we have adopted an approach to living that is not the most economical. We don't spend like crazy, of course, but our philosophy is that whatever keeps us happy and healthy and sane makes us better equipped emotionally for the daily challenges parenting a SN kid brings. That means we go out to dinner, we take vacations, etc. A second child would probably mean we'd have to budget more, might need a bigger house in a decent school district that might be further out. All things I am happy to do, but I worry they would be at the cost of my emotional well-being, and worry that it could take a toll on my parenting of kid #1. BUT, I guess this is why you think about things before doing them, right? Luckily neither of us have any interest in a second one right this second, and so we can take some time to see how things shake out.

[Anonymous]

I have two kids - the older one is NT the younger SN. It's very, very difficult. The biggest challenge for my husband and me is not expecting perfection from our NT kid. I have many friends and family members with SN kids and before we decided to have #2, we would talk all the time about how we would NEVER treat the NT kid like we saw those around us doing (expecting stellar behavior and flexibility, annoyance with "minor" health/emotional/school issues, etc). Unfortunately, now I now why we saw that behavior so ubiquitously: it's very difficult to be emotionally present and to attend to everyone's needs. Often, my SN kid's needs are more immediate and more complex (read exhausting) and I just run out of steam by the time I attend to NT's needs. We are thinking of doing some family therapy to figure this all out, but, honestly, the thought that my NT kid won't really understand it all until much later, when emotional damage is done, haunts me. I try so very hard to be even-handed, but sometimes my parenting skills just suck. Most days I'm spent. Anyway, good luck with your decision.