Wives of physicians--dealing with loneliness

[Anonymous]

I'm a doctor's wife. I have a full-time career of my own as well, not in medicine. I work significantly fewer hours than DH.

Anyhow, I am wondering how other doctor's spouses deal with the loneliness of their spouse's long work hours/overnight call at the hospital, etc. I have been married for 9 years but still have never felt comfortable with my husband's long hours. He works about 80 hours a week, and I am lonely all the time, especially when he is on overnight call at the hospital. We have no family in the area and have only lived in the DC area a few years, so only have made a few new friends, who are busy with their own lives most of the time and don't have time to hang out with me during the lonely nights and weekends. I hate sitting home alone while DH is working late or working weekends. I do go out by myself for a nice lunch, dinner, or movie, etc., but don't really enjoy doing it alone. We don't have children yet. We spend all of DH's free time together but it's not very much and I need more connection. Sometimes the loneliness overwhelms me and I just feel sad a lot of the time, because I don't have a close social circle to spend time with during the lonely times. DH's work hours will never change, they have always been like this. How do other doctor's spouses deal with this?

[Anonymous]

Have lots of kids? LOL
My friend, whose DH is a physician that works long hours, gave up her career and had 4 kids. She's definitely not lonely anymore. Not sure that she's happy though.

Can you find someplace to volunteer on weekends for now?

[Anonymous]

gym, college online, join a church/temple...

[Anonymous]

MIL was in a different boat, but similar in that she never saw her DH (he didn't like her and didn't want to be around her, traveled whenever he could). She had lots of kids, but was/is very checked out. She was likely like this before kids hence her DH traveling often. Anyway, I am not so sure it is the best solution, especially for the kids!

I do like 21:02's solution.

[Anonymous]

Hmm, for us it's vice versa: my DH is the physician's husband. I have hated the super long hours, being gone for the whole weekend (14 hours Sat, 14 hours Sun), working the nights in a row, as you get up and go right back to work, and not ever being home on the holidays... etc. However, it really depends on which specialty you are in, whether that will change at some point or not, and how flexible you can be. I had then decided to go part-time because the hours were just too long, and we were not seeing each other, this was also before kids.

I think the main question for you is: How does your husband feel about this, and would he like to change something? 80 hours a week is just too much for family life, unless you have tons of vacation weeks maybe...
If you just want to keep yourself occupied there are many options, and that's a different question altogether.

[Anonymous]

you get what you pay for.

I bet you are lamenting this on a much nicer sofa in a much nicer house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you get what you pay for.

I bet you are lamenting this on a much nicer sofa in a much nicer house.

And envy never fails to rear its ugly green head.

I came accross a nice quote today, you might want to consider it:

Be kind; everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. -- Plato

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm, for us it's vice versa: my DH is the physician's husband. I have hated the super long hours, being gone for the whole weekend (14 hours Sat, 14 hours Sun), working the nights in a row, as you get up and go right back to work, and not ever being home on the holidays... etc. However, it really depends on which specialty you are in, whether that will change at some point or not, and how flexible you can be. I had then decided to go part-time because the hours were just too long, and we were not seeing each other, this was also before kids.

I think the main question for you is: How does your husband feel about this, and would he like to change something? 80 hours a week is just too much for family life, unless you have tons of vacation weeks maybe...
If you just want to keep yourself occupied there are many options, and that's a different question altogether.

OP here. Thanks for your response. You mention the holidays. DH is pretty much never around for the holidays. There were many Thanksgivings where I was alone as we have no family here and just ate a frozen pizza as my Thanksgiving dinner while DH was on overnight call at the hospital. I found that very depressing.

DH will never go part-time, that is one thing I know for sure. His work hours have been the same since residency (well in residency they were worse, actually). DH loves his job and does not seem to realize that he actually works 80 hours a week (I guess for him it does not feel like he works that much, but for me it feels like he works even more than he does). His work hours has always been a huge issue for us, and I cannot seem to solve my feelings of loneliness.

I work full-time and I also volunteer once a week. We have no family here and I have only made a few friends. I am very active in professional organizations, a few social groups (meetup.com) and I exercise as well. But this not enough to help with the extreme loneliness I feel from DH's long hours and overnight call (and he also works some weekends). I think it's more of feeling a lack of connection with DH because he works so much, and also I cannot get rid of the resentment I feel about his long and unpredictable work hours. I wish I didn't feel this resentment but I do. We do spend pretty much all of his free time together but he is exhausted most of the time when he is home and so I don't feel that he is 100% present with me when he is not working.

The only thing that would help is if I had a bunch of female friends who I could do things with when DH is working late or on-call at the hospital. But no female friends have been willing to give up their Friday or Saturday nights (or even weekday nights) with their spouse to hang with me. I seem to only be able to get the occasional weekend lunch date or cofee date with these few friends I've made here. So that is the problem--finding new friends who are willing to hang out with me so I don't feel such overwhelming loneliness.

Tonight DH is on call at the hospital for the third time in five days and I am just incredibly lonely. I went to the bookstore tonight just to be somewhere with other people, but I just get overwhelmed with the loneliness all the time when he is working late or on call.

[Anonymous]

ok, what interests do you have? pottery? books? there are probably clubs where you can meet people with similar interests....but from my experience, you're going to have a hard time locating people who are in your shoes...you don't count as single/married/mommy...in an agerange where many people 'cubbyhole' themselves; maybe you need to seek an older cohort

[Anonymous]

Meet single women?

[Anonymous]

I really feel bad for you. You are making me sad, so I can just imagine how you are feeling. This town can be a really hard place to meet people. I also disagree with posters that are advising you to have a bunch of kids. Children are not caulk we use to fill gaps in our hearts.

Where do you live?

You know wives like you are very much like military wives whos DHs get deployed. You might want to see if you can find some even locally based military focused mesage boards much like this, as those women might be a bit kinder than ones on here andmight be able to give more useful support. Are you in DC? I presume considering all the hospitals there.

Just like service memers, I do have to thank you for the sacrifice your and your DH make for the rest of us. Thank god for doctors, someone has to do it!

[Anonymous]

Surgeon's wife here. I don't have any answers for you. The crazy hours (overnight on call at the hospital) 14 hrs a day on the weekend and 80 hour weeks are sadly completely the norm for most medical specialities. They would work these kind of hours even if it were not required, I think. Most docs are possessed by their work--my DH, his brother and FIL are all the same with this (all docs) It is a lonely life for the spouses--Unless you could convince your spouse to take some kind of fed position--I don't see that ever changing.

[Anonymous]

Please don't reproduce with a probable absentee father. It really sucks for the kids.

[Anonymous]

I somewhat agree with the PP regarding finding a servicemembers support group. But as a former service member (and spouse of one), let me caution you there. THey can be very exclusionary, and may often point out to you the differences: your spouse won't die, he'll come home in 24 hrs, he makes a lot of money, does it by choice, blah blah blah. It can invalidate your feelings, which is counterproductive. Just a word of caution.

That said, I do understand the feelings of loneliness, but it is something that you eihter have to come to terms with, discuss wiht your DH, or consider that you may be in the wrong relationshiip. You can't spend the rest of your life lonely and unhappy, and having children is not the key to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have lots of kids? LOL
My friend, whose DH is a physician that works long hours, gave up her career and had 4 kids. She's definitely not lonely anymore. Not sure that she's happy though.

Can you find someplace to volunteer on weekends for now?

Great advice.

Do you also advise that couples have more children when their marriage is in trouble? Because ya know, adding kids into a mix of problems is a great solution and wonderful for the kids as well.