Fitting the baby into your life, not the other way around

[Anonymous]

Before I had a child, I heard people saying that when they had kids, they just fit them into their lives...they continued to go out and do things and just bring their kids along, and not a whole lot changed for them. My child, who is now a toddler, will only sleep in his crib or daycare cot and never the stroller, so it's pretty impossible for us to continue doing whatever we want when he's with us. He NEEDS a nap, and he also can't make it past 7pm without NEEDING to go to bed. I'd love to keep him up, but he gets crazy. Are people who continue staying out later, take their kids to movies, not following a nap schedule, etc selfish, or did they just get "lucky" having kids who coincidentally can handle it?

How much did your life change to revolve around your child, or did you really just fit them into it?

[Anonymous]

Do what feels right to you. Personally, I was a slave to the crib. It worked for me and for my kids. It was harder on us because it meant being home more, not having so much flexibility, but the positives outweighed the negatives. We have phenomenal sleepers, and a well rested kid=happy kid=happy parent. The friends who just took out their babies/toddlers any time and let the kid sleep where it may did not have good sleepers and may have been out to dinner at 8:30pm with their child but the kid wasn't happy and they'd complain about how things went anyway. Now that my kids are through toddlerhood, things are great. Just those first few years were much more tied down. Wouldn't have done it any other way.

[Anonymous]

It completely depends on your child. Oddly enough, I used to almost judge people with kids out late, or whose kids napped in strollers, etc and when I heard people say that they planned to have baby fit right into their lives, I always thought to myself, wait until you actually have kids! (Based on my friends' kids).

I have really good friends who were the opposite, saying, I'm not going to let a baby slow me down; we'll fit the baby into our lives, etc.

Well, my friends ended up with a baby like yours, OP, and while they do make an effort to get out, use babysitters, and even went on a baby free vacation in the second year, they also absolutely, positively have changed their lives to revolve around their little one. They can't stay out even a half hour late or their baby will melt down.

Me, we've changed our lives, too, but ended up with a baby who will literally nap anywhere, a toddler who would sit quietly in any restaurant and color, and if he goes to bed a little bit late, he sleeps in the same amount of time in the morning.

The only difference between my friends and me is baby temperament. There's no skill involved, and you can't force it. While you may certainly stay true to your parenting vision, either your baby is or is not flexible and trying to force it isn't best for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before I had a child, I heard people saying that when they had kids, they just fit them into their lives...they continued to go out and do things and just bring their kids along, and not a whole lot changed for them. My child, who is now a toddler, will only sleep in his crib or daycare cot and never the stroller, so it's pretty impossible for us to continue doing whatever we want when he's with us. He NEEDS a nap, and he also can't make it past 7pm without NEEDING to go to bed. I'd love to keep him up, but he gets crazy. Are people who continue staying out later, take their kids to movies, not following a nap schedule, etc selfish, or did they just get "lucky" having kids who coincidentally can handle it?

How much did your life change to revolve around your child, or did you really just fit them into it?

I don't think my kid really had a choice.

I know that sounds weird, but I'm a single mother who works kind of erratic hours and had a kid with medical needs who had appointments every different time slot. He learned to sleep in a carseat and a stroller because otherwise he would have been awake all day.

I don't know how you could convince a toddler who was used to being in a crib or cot at every nap time to take up a new habit.

Do you feel a need to change or are you feeling judged, because there's nothing wrong with being responsive to your child's needs.

[Anonymous]

I think that people who don't expect their lives to change in fundamental ways are deluded. I'm not criticizing people like Single Mom who are making everything work because they have to. I'm talking about people dragging a pumpkin seat to a bar or a hockey game.

[Anonymous]

First, everyone is selfish to some degree regardless of how laid back the disposition of the child. I do not think that a parent is selfish because they parent differently than I do.

My SIL would appear to have the "kids need to fit into our lives" mentality and that is congruent with her personality; she prefers to go with the flow, be spontaneous, prefers very social events, dislikes the mundane or routine. As a result, her kids have never had set routines (even as newborns) and have adapted accordingy. They can nap anywhere, miss naps, delay bedtime, etc.

I, on the other hand, would appear to have the "my world revolves around my baby" approach; I prefer (crave really!) routine, consistency, and planning, As a result, my kids have had a routine from day 1 and have adapted accordingly. They don't nap well, if at all, unless at home or daycare, they never miss naps and if they do they are awful, and bedtime is a production that cannot be altered without resistance!

But, the truth is that BOTH my SIL and my own world revolves around our kids needs...we just have different ideas about what kids need. My SIL would take her kids to a late night outdoor concert and have a blast, wheras I would get a babysitter and have a blast. She expects her kids to adapt (a valuable life skill) and I expect my kids to follow a consistent routine. Neither one is right or wrong...just different. And thank goodness for that- a world full of uptight moms (like myself) would be really boring!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, everyone is selfish to some degree regardless of how laid back the disposition of the child. I do not think that a parent is selfish because they parent differently than I do.

My SIL would appear to have the "kids need to fit into our lives" mentality and that is congruent with her personality; she prefers to go with the flow, be spontaneous, prefers very social events, dislikes the mundane or routine. As a result, her kids have never had set routines (even as newborns) and have adapted accordingy. They can nap anywhere, miss naps, delay bedtime, etc.

I, on the other hand, would appear to have the "my world revolves around my baby" approach; I prefer (crave really!) routine, consistency, and planning, As a result, my kids have had a routine from day 1 and have adapted accordingly. They don't nap well, if at all, unless at home or daycare, they never miss naps and if they do they are awful, and bedtime is a production that cannot be altered without resistance!

But, the truth is that BOTH my SIL and my own world revolves around our kids needs...we just have different ideas about what kids need. My SIL would take her kids to a late night outdoor concert and have a blast, wheras I would get a babysitter and have a blast. She expects her kids to adapt (a valuable life skill) and I expect my kids to follow a consistent routine. Neither one is right or wrong...just different. And thank goodness for that- a world full of uptight moms (like myself) would be really boring!!

PP here who described my baby vs. my friends baby. This is a great post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that people who don't expect their lives to change in fundamental ways are deluded. I'm not criticizing people like Single Mom who are making everything work because they have to. I'm talking about people dragging a pumpkin seat to a bar or a hockey game.

Hey it's me Single Mom again, I want to make it clear that I didn't mean my life didn't change. Of course I wasn't spending my free tiime at the pediatricians before I became pregnant. Just that for some carseat sleeping or stroller sleeping is a skill that is learned early and through neccessity (e.g. baby is exhausted and no crib is in sight).

[Anonymous]

I agree that personality plays a huge role in this, and I don't judge other families for doing what works for them. I will say that I was surprised by how I ended up being a mom who is a slave to the nap. It wasn't the way I envisioned it. I was going to go with the flow. I really admired parents who did this. Then I ended up with a kid who wouldn't sleep on the go despite our efforts to make it work. My kid's a great sleeper under X, Y, Z conditions, but is a bear otherwise. So at some point it became worth it for our lives to revolve around her schedule.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the child and family. I can't see bringing a young child to the movies, but ours has gone out to eat with us since birth/no issues (he screamed once when he bumped himself and I just took him outside till he calmed down). We just work with him to teach him out to behave at home/out and are very consistent and fortunately for us it works. We've never kept him on a schedule so if he naps, he naps and at some point he'll sleep in the car or a quick doze in the stroller. He'll never go to bed at 7. That would be a nap for him. It would be nice to get our evenings in some ways, but the flexibility is nice. I think some of it was pure luck of his personality, I think some of it is our personality's and it just all works.

[Anonymous]

Naptime in the crib/bed was sacred at my house. It gets easier when your child stops napping to go out all day and do whatever you want. Kids are supposed to change your life and if you don't let them, you are doing something wrong.

[Anonymous]

Another slave to crib, naptimes and early bedtimes here. My kids were just not flexible and it was easier to stay home. With #2 I was determined to MAKE her flexible...she said no thank you.

That being said, I know several kids who were very flexible and would sleep on the go. However the ones I know like this don't sleep nearly as well at home as my two do. Each child is different as they say!

[Anonymous]

We are learning the hard way that although we thought we would fit our baby into our lives, she has other ideas! Before DD was born (a mere 15 weeks ago), I vowed not to be one of the moms who "disappeared" when they had a baby. My closest friend had a daughter 6 months before I was due, and she brought her everywhere, kept her up to all hours, let her nap in the carseat, etc. I thought we would be the same. Once DD was out of the newborn stage, however...no way. We would be over at a friend's house for dinner, out to a restaurant, or out and about during the day, and she would start having meltdowns. It finally dawned on me that she was tired, out of sorts, and she did much better with a routine in place. So, despite my best intentions, I have set and keep a strict routine. And you know what...it's not that bad at all So I can't enjoy the social whirl as much as I used to...a well-rested, happy baby who gets 3 naps a day and is asleep by 7 is more valuable to me than carting her to someone's house. It's what works for us, and it truly all depends on the baby!!

That being said, parents who insist on not changing their lives (for no reason other than principle) when they have a baby are ridiculous. That same friend's baby started getting fussy every time they would come over for dinner, and not a week goes by now that she doesn't call to complain about how her daughter won't nap, had a meltdown while they were out, or wouldn't sit still at a restaurant they were at. I never want to say anything critical or judgemental when I'm not on an anonymous forum (), but it does seem to me that parents who (selfishly, IMO) deny what is best for their kids because their lives would be cramped don't really understand what it is to be parents. Before I get flamed for that strongly worded sentence, please note that I am NOT talking about parents with easily portable kids who don't need a schedule (some pp's have described their kids as such), but parents with kids like mine, who need routine to be happy, and are not getting it.

[Anonymous]

I personally found it so much easier to fit my life into baby and child. When people wondered why we didn't want to stay out late with the baby because "one night of late bedtime won't hurt" - my perspective was that when we do get home, she is overtired, things take longer, tantrums are thrown, and she wakes up the same time anyway, so we are all exhausted the next day.

So call me selfish, but I really like sticking to the nap and bedtime routine. It was just easier for me. And I would get stressed out doing some things I see other parents doing (I once saw a mom take her baby to a work conference and try to sit through the sessions. While I understand she may have been in a jam, this seemed so stressful to me).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that people who don't expect their lives to change in fundamental ways are deluded. I'm not criticizing people like Single Mom who are making everything work because they have to. I'm talking about people dragging a pumpkin seat to a bar or a hockey game.

I agree.