I want out of this marriage. I want to scream
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Anonymous
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OP, start by getting a job. Even if childcare cost eats up a large chunk of what you earn, I think it's a good first step to feeling more like yourself. Insist on it. Your children do NOT need a SAHM, they need a happy functional mom.
As far as your husband... I think you have unrealistic expectations about how easy it is to meet someone new and remarry when you're a 30-something parent of 3 young children. This is anecdotal, but everyone I know who divorced for reasons unrelated to abuse/adultery/addiction and subsequently remarried, has mentioned regretting not trying harder to work things out with spouse #1 - no one is going to be perfect, and when you marry a new person, you take on a whole new set of problems, and you'll be dealing with a blended family on top of everything. Not saying you should stay, just something to consider. |
Anonymous
I didn’t read all the advice yet. First and foremost realize if he is being an a$$ to you now and taking you for granted, he will pass on that attitude to your children. I remember meeting a woman who said her husband said something similar or even more disrespectful and her teenage son was mirroring the dad. She finally had enough and divorced and was able to work her way up at her new job, has a long term boyfriend etc. I’m not saying you need to stay with him or divorce him, I am saying don’t be a martyr and expect someone is going to put you up for sainthood. If you decide to stay, not go back to work, realize worst case is your kids don’t appreciate the sacrifice, your DH ends up leaving the marriage anyway and screwing you out of a fair settlement, you have to get a job again in your mid 40’s and downsize your lifestyle, you don’t meet anyone else but you still think it was worth it because of x or worth taking that risk because of y. So you actually did get something out of it that made it worth it to you. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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Being a SAHM can make people very narrow focused,
Both my SILs are SAHMs. I completely support their choice to do that and one is a fantastic SAHM (the other not so much!). But the reality is that it has made their world very small. They talk about kids, complain about kids, talk about home management and home decorating and not much else. All my brothers hear about is what the kids did wrong all day, all the frustrations of being at home with the kids. It would be like my brothers coming home and whining for an hour every day about everything negative that happened all day at work. i think too because they are around kids all day they start to talk like the kids - in the sense that they whine and complain and cry. And then they try and parent my brothers with nagging and other child parent like actions. It is the reality of what people's daily lives become. You take on the characteristics of what you are around all day and want the other person to get your world. One of my SILs is incredibly academically minded - being a SAHM was the right decision for their family but the wrong decision for her as a person. She was not good at the role, made everyone's life miserable and thankfully she has just gone back to work! My other sister in law just needs more variety in her life - she is better at home given their situation and great at being a SAHM but gets too narrow focused. |
Anonymous
I am not sure being a SAHM makes their world very small. As a listener, SAHMs talking about their life is no smaller or less boring than some cubicle sitter droning and whining about super exciting job. Most people’s jobs are not exciting either. |
Anonymous
I think the key is socializing with other adults outside of the context of childcare. Some SAHMs have little contact with anyone other than their immediate family and other SAHMs. |
Anonymous
Yeah but in the world of Dcum makingg $2m apparently absolves you from being a good parent. Or spouse. Or being a kind and decent person. It's sad, really. |
Anonymous
Yeah and then 10 years later what kind of marriage are you going to have when there's not even the kids to keep you together? |
Anonymous
When did OP state her goal is to remarry another man? Some guys are not marriage material not father material. And not because they are violent or abusive, but because they are workaholic, self-centered clueless slobs. If your life would be better and easier without that disrespectful selfish slob around, make the call! You are definitely not modeling a healthy relationship or effective communication for your kids. |
Anonymous
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Why is everyone saying a disrespectful father gets the kids 50% of the time? Is that a new thing? Many dads don’t even know what size clothes their kids wear, what they eat, who their teachers or friends are or anything. Do they just get divorced and then snap their fingers and grow up?
Sounds like a mess. |
Anonymous
No. My divorce was driven by me being done living with an unappreciative do-nothing husband who didn’t know how to be a respectful spouse, and effective parent or take care of his property. He was in way over his head and couldn’t handle anything. His untreated ADHD made it worse, he only focused in work. He could barely listen to his kids talk, his mind would be floating around who knows where. Never present. I could no longer be in the loveless marriage with the farthest thing from a life partner I could imagine. Disappointments all the time. Arguments then pursued, name calling resentment and it was over. No underlying issues got fixed or treated. He still takes zero personal responsibility for anything. The day I decided I was done was the most clarity and peace I had in years. The rest was execution of the divorce. Kids were young enough not to be angry or confused, though we’ll talk through things once their start asking. Party day with dad is every other weekend, he’s working 70+ hours during the week. He’s likely killing it at work now that he really has nil responsibilities in the home front. |
Anonymous
Better question is what did HE think marriage is and his contribution in 2017? |
Anonymous
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I don't really see how going back to work is going to be helpful. If OP isn't contributing to the family income (and the reality is that she almost certainly can't contribute in any meaningful way), then her husband is just going to see her work as an annoying and time consuming hobby. He will be pissed when he has a vacation, and she can't get off at the same time. She will still be 100% responsible for the kids and household, so unless she wants her kids to grow up with two absent parents, she is likely to get a job that has some flexibility and reasonable hours and is more supporting other people's careers than developing her own (I work in academic medicine, so maybe this is different in other fields, but I doubt it).
So, she will be working for no money, for reasons not respected or really understood by her family, in order to support someone else's career. And she can add finding and managing full time childcare and household help to her duties in addition to her work. I do agree with finding hobbies and meaningful volunteer work. I am sure that you have skills that are useful to a lot of people. |
Anonymous
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I was a SAHM who went back to work. Until my youngest goes to K, a LOT of my salary is eaten up in daycare/aftercare costs. I'm a teacher and the salary is not awesome to start with but throw in a $2200 month daycare bill and you could argue I am basically paying to work.
However. That's not the point. The point is, I love my work, it fulfills me and makes me happy, I'm good at it, and if my husband were to leave me or die, I would at least have a way to provide for my kids. I also have two daughters and while I loved staying home with them when they were little and am grateful we could make that work, it's also important to me they see their mother have a career and work because I want them to know they have options too. They need to have a strong role model of how a woman can be a mom, wife AND have her own successful career she loves. So for OP or anyone else to boil the value of a job down to straight dollars in vs dollars out is short sighted and misses the point. If it would make her happy, give her a purpose and sense of identity and give her more independence, she should do it, even if technically it doesn't bring in money once you factor in childcare. |
Anonymous
Yes. He will get the kids 50% of the time and he will also remarry and have even more kids. Prepare yourself. |
Anonymous
the reason she would be working is because she wants to work. there is nothing to understand here; it's what most people do including her husband. there is no such thing is meaningful volunteer work. if what you were doing had value people would pay you for it. hobbies are no better. |