Separated for 2yrs—going from 50/50 to me being primary

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound selfish to restrict his parental rights. Damage control is to be honest and say you don't think they should have a relationship anymore with Dad and Dad's only duty is to pay child support.

Did you even read the OP? She said the dad wants to move. And if a court granted her primary custody, then something must be wrong with the dad. 50/50 is the norm.

He can have summers and weekends. They can share legal custody so they both make the decisions for the kids. 50/50 isn't the norm even though it should be.

He will get some of the summer and every other weekend but he is moving two counties away and has substance abuse issues. However, he really wanted to make 50/50 work despite being 1.5hr away — this wasn’t possible. I want to be there to tell them with him because I think we are normally good coparents and presenting a united front is best but he is angry and doesn’t want me included. I don’t know what he is going to say.

OK, so here's the thing: while you might be upset that he is going to do this thing without them, he is upset that you took away all his parental rights (when you asked for full legal custody). What you did is a shitty thing. Now, I don't know about the circumstances, but he has a right to feel angry and upset about that.

You might feel like it is hard to not have control over this important conversation he is having, he no longer has control over any decisions in his kids' lives. If you had really wanted to co-parent, you would have sought full physical custody but not legal custody. You don't get to be upset now that he wants to exclude you when you have so clearly decided to exclude him.

The more custody, the more child support. She pushed him out of the kids life and will now come back and complain how he is uninvolved. She'll continue to make all kinds of accusations, take away the weekend and summer visits as they interfere with her time and he gets to be Disney Dad, despite she set it up that way and will severely damage the kids by no father. If you took away his parental rights, then why demand child support. If you want to be a sole parent, then fully take the responsibility, including financial. Every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer is not being a father.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Who has said anything about child support? Up until now, I paid him child support because I am the higher earned. He chose to move away!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:01 - call me crazy, but her ex is an adult. He is making a CHOICE to move away from his kids. He is prioritizing his relationship with his girlfriend over his relationship with his kids. How does this translate to the OP taking away his parental rights and his control? It's not practical for him to have 50/50 if he is CHOOSING TO MOVE AWAY. If he wanted 50/50, he could stay where he is.

He is angry at the OP because it's easier than facing the reality that he's taking the first step to disappearing from his kid's lives.

NP here but I think 13:01 is referring to legal custody not physical custody. They could certainly split legal custody (i.e. joint decision making on certain major things) while she has primary physical custody.

[Anonymous]

Op here—we got joint legal but with me deciding in the event of an impasse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:01 - call me crazy, but her ex is an adult. He is making a CHOICE to move away from his kids. He is prioritizing his relationship with his girlfriend over his relationship with his kids. How does this translate to the OP taking away his parental rights and his control? It's not practical for him to have 50/50 if he is CHOOSING TO MOVE AWAY. If he wanted 50/50, he could stay where he is.

He is angry at the OP because it's easier than facing the reality that he's taking the first step to disappearing from his kid's lives.

YES! Also, are people ignoring where OP said there are substance abuse issues???? This man is choosing proximity to his girlfriend over proximity to his kids. Why can't the girlfriend move one county over and they set up shop in the middle? This sounds like a guy who is not placing his children first. He wanted his kids to commute 1.5 hrs so that he could live with his girlfriend? That makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is hard. You do damage control by being a strong and centered mom. You do damage control by letting them be angry with you and not retaliating. You do damage control by NEVER saying anything negative about their dad or their relationship with their dad.

I’ve been there, and it is SO HARD. But it is doable, and you will maintain a solid relationship with your kids this way.

Something I learned very early (I’ve been a single mom with sole legal/primary physical custody for more than 8 years) is that if you say something negative about dad it will harm the kids relationship WITH YOU. It won’t hurt their relationship with dad. The opposite is also true. I’m taking long term here - you prevent the damage by staying calm, centered, and by recognizing that you are mom and no one can replace you.

Play the long game. How your kids feel today or tomorrow or next month is less important than how they feel as an adult looking back. Be the adult, and everything will be OK. I promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is hard. You do damage control by being a strong and centered mom. You do damage control by letting them be angry with you and not retaliating. You do damage control by NEVER saying anything negative about their dad or their relationship with their dad.

I’ve been there, and it is SO HARD. But it is doable, and you will maintain a solid relationship with your kids this way.

Something I learned very early (I’ve been a single mom with sole legal/primary physical custody for more than 8 years) is that if you say something negative about dad it will harm the kids relationship WITH YOU. It won’t hurt their relationship with dad. The opposite is also true. I’m taking long term here - you prevent the damage by staying calm, centered, and by recognizing that you are mom and no one can replace you.

Play the long game. How your kids feel today or tomorrow or next month is less important than how they feel as an adult looking back. Be the adult, and everything will be OK. I promise.

Thank you for this. I know they’re going to be angry with me and I’m preparing for the worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Who has said anything about child support? Up until now, I paid him child support because I am the higher earned. He chose to move away!!!

You took full legal custody away. Physical and legal are two different things. You choose to take both to push him out of the kids life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is hard. You do damage control by being a strong and centered mom. You do damage control by letting them be angry with you and not retaliating. You do damage control by NEVER saying anything negative about their dad or their relationship with their dad.

I’ve been there, and it is SO HARD. But it is doable, and you will maintain a solid relationship with your kids this way.

Something I learned very early (I’ve been a single mom with sole legal/primary physical custody for more than 8 years) is that if you say something negative about dad it will harm the kids relationship WITH YOU. It won’t hurt their relationship with dad. The opposite is also true. I’m taking long term here - you prevent the damage by staying calm, centered, and by recognizing that you are mom and no one can replace you.

Play the long game. How your kids feel today or tomorrow or next month is less important than how they feel as an adult looking back. Be the adult, and everything will be OK. I promise.

Thank you for this. I know they’re going to be angry with me and I’m preparing for the worse.

Maybe you should have thought about it before fighting Dad to remove all legal rights he had. Damage has been done. Your kids will suffer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:13:01 - call me crazy, but her ex is an adult. He is making a CHOICE to move away from his kids. He is prioritizing his relationship with his girlfriend over his relationship with his kids. How does this translate to the OP taking away his parental rights and his control? It's not practical for him to have 50/50 if he is CHOOSING TO MOVE AWAY. If he wanted 50/50, he could stay where he is.

He is angry at the OP because it's easier than facing the reality that he's taking the first step to disappearing from his kid's lives.

YES! Also, are people ignoring where OP said there are substance abuse issues???? This man is choosing proximity to his girlfriend over proximity to his kids. Why can't the girlfriend move one county over and they set up shop in the middle? This sounds like a guy who is not placing his children first. He wanted his kids to commute 1.5 hrs so that he could live with his girlfriend? That makes no sense.

So, its ok when mom's move away and take the kids but not ok for Dad. It sounds like she was fighting for custody regardless of the move. There was no reason to take full legal custody as well. She has in effect terminated his parental rights. But, I guess Dad's are replaceable. She probably is remarried or with a new boyfriend and wants to erase Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here—we got joint legal but with me deciding in the event of an impasse.

Then that isn't joint as you can override him and not care what his opinion is. Don't complain in 10 years when kids are acting out, needing their Dad and you took their Dad away from them.

[Anonymous]

Wow, who is the crazy poster saying she took the kids' Dad away from them? How the hell is this OP's fault? Wouldn't you as a parent want to keep custody of your kids, especially with an addict as the other parent? Isn't that what most normal parents would want?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Please note I was also a defendant in the suit. I just wanted to keep the status quo. He filed for sole so he could move.

[Anonymous]

When is he telling them? You won't see them prior?
I'm sorry OP

[Anonymous]

She isn't taking them from Dad. He is leaving and upset the courts said NO to him bringing the children for the move