How would you help a sibling who cannot handle things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one

Is not working just their preference? Or are they unable to work for some reason? I think there is a big difference between unwilling to work and unable to work. Either way, they way you've framed it ("likely will not get one") doesn't help move toward a solution.

Does she live in an area of poor/no job opportunities? Is she mentally or physically incapable of working? Or is she leaning hard into the idea that she set out to be a SAHM for life and nothing will change her mind? Being a non-earning single parent is a pretty good way to ensure poverty for herself and the kids, especially since it sounds as though the ex doesn't have a lot to contribute.

It's hard to help people who don't do much to help themselves.

No. She lives in an expensive area with lots of jobs. Part of the issue is that it is expensive. She cannot move too far out of the area because of ex-h and the kids.

She definitely sees herself as entitled to being a stay at home mom. But I am not sure she really could do anything else.

She CAN move out of the area with a judge's permission if Dad/ex is not providing child support/alimony till she gets back on her feet and her income, which she needs to get doesn't cover basic rent and expenses.

She needs to move to live with family to get back on her feet. She can get a job at Target or similar and then try for something better. The kids will have to go to dad for holidays and summers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a sustainable picture. How does/will she support herself and kids with no income?

Ex-h paid rent for a while. Now has reached the end of that term and has no way to pay next month’s rent. She will sell stuff and get a little money. Parents sometimes give her some, but they do not have a lot. Used credit cards for a while and ran those up.

It is a big disaster. I am very concerned about what will happen to the kids, but we cannot fund her entire life. I really don’t know what to do.

Offer to take all her kids for 6-12 months while she gets a job up and running. Offer to take some of them long term.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like sibling is lazy. I would offer to take the kids and would not send any money or pay any of their bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a sister like this but no kids I will just commiserate - you end up giving her money because you care and are kind and you hate yourself for it and are jealous of all the people that have money and don’t have to deal with supporting adult family members. That’s it, that’s what will happen.

+1

Don't start helping them. It will only end with you being bitter and resentful. Your siblings will want to see you as an equal and friend because hey that is what siblings are supposed to be, but you will begin to only see them as a parasite.

[Anonymous]

Does your sibling want your help? Has she asked for your help?

[Anonymous]

Can she work as a nanny?

[Anonymous]

I’m familiar with this situation in my family. When the judge determined alimony/ child support they imputed $20,000 as her earnings ability (early 2000s), suggesting it was expected she should work. Her response, to us, was by the time she drove to the job, put gas in her car and had to rush to pick up her kids it was not financially worthwhile, so
stay at home it was.

[Anonymous]

Can you help the kids directly? Buy them clothes, shoes, school supplies etc? Pay for their swim lessons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you help the kids directly? Buy them clothes, shoes, school supplies etc? Pay for their swim lessons?

shouldn’t the dad pay for his kids?

[Anonymous]

I would't it's called enabling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well obviously she needs to use all the government aid she can. The ACA for healthcare in her state, for example. Her kids can be on Medicaid and have all their medical and some dental care covered. She will be eligible for food stamps, her kids can get free lunch at school, etc. If they can stay in school and graduate, they will then be eligible for a lot of financial aid for college. The goal is not so much supporting her, as it is to hoist her kids out of that spiral and keep them on a college track.

If you can set up all that, it will be the most long-term way to help.

While these are all great programs, don't you have to be on disability to be eligible for Medicaid, food stamps, and so on? The government doesn't just hand out help to people who don't want to work. OP hasn't mentioned any physical or mental disabilities.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you help the kids directly? Buy them clothes, shoes, school supplies etc? Pay for their swim lessons?

shouldn’t the dad pay for his kids?

If Dad is able to sure, but if not, this is a way of helping kids without enabling the sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one
Has kids
Divorced and ex-spouse doesn’t provide much in the way of support
Does not live around here (8+ hours drive from DC area)

Kind of at a loss as to how to help, especially for the sake of the kids.

Nope. They need to get a job.

To the extent you can host the young cousins ever, do that.

But do not start a precedent of funding your adult siblings life or issues. If they need welfare help them sign up for all their benefits or direct them to NGOs who can help.

You have more than enough stuff to be saving you and your spouses income for for now and the future (401k, 529s, IRAs, emergency funds, retirement, elderly care, family vacations, kids ECs, travel, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one
Has kids
Divorced and ex-spouse doesn’t provide much in the way of support
Does not live around here (8+ hours drive from DC area)

Kind of at a loss as to how to help, especially for the sake of the kids.

What does this mean? The ex doesn’t pay their court ordered child support or split the kid bills??