Sibling rivalry, over CANCER????

[Anonymous]

Step back and hope you are healed soon OP.

[Anonymous]

Like other have said, I'd look for support and guidance outside of your family. They might even make you feel like you can't complain at all, if you are not the "worst" case in the family. But I'd build a support network for yourself and only inform them of your treatments as you really need to. If they ask, you can give top level "Oh I have a follow up in a few weeks" type of answers.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, and your siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're a BRCA family, and I'm the third sibling to be diagnosed with cancer
The first sibling was diagnosed 14 yrs ago, had pretty radical surgery, chemo, the works, a rough time
Second sibling, got diagnosed 5 months ago, had surgery only, and is still in watch mode
Now I've been diagnosed last month and have surgery coming up, to be followed by oral medicine but not chemo
Sibling #1 seems almost snippy that I won't have to get chemo. I don't know how to explain it, just multiple remarks that maybe that sibling could have avoided chemo too if more modern options were out there.
Sibling #2's spouse seems upset too, like I timed my diagnosis to eclipse #2's attention, sibling #2 seems fairly normal for someone coping with crap/healing issues
I feel like shutting down the flow of info, like I can't really talk to the siblings who have gone through it/currently dealing with cancer, like it's upsetting sibling #1 in a PTSD kind of way
Should I just step back from both? WWYD

OP, I'm sorry for your diagnosis.

I'd like to gently suggest that a lot of this might be your perception, in a difficult time, and not really anything intentional or wrong that your family is doing. You didn't give anything specific on what people have said or done, other than a benign comment about medicine advancing.

Unless there is other complicating history or dynamics in your family, I would encourage you to just change the way you are thinking about this. It may not be "sibling rivalry" so much as it is commiseration over shared experiences and noting the differences in those experiences. Think of it like a formal support group- for cancer or anything else. People have some things in common but there are differences in experiences and emotions that are discussed.

No need to gaslight OP and try to make her think she's imagining things.

OP, I get similar stuff from my family. For instance when I was having my first baby, my OB sent me to the hospital to be induced. I called my mom because she wanted to drive up to meet her first grandbaby. When I got to the hospital they decided to send me home and not induce me. I called my mom right away and said false alarm. She was furious with me, like I had done something to her. It was bizarre as she had only driven about 15 minutes from home. She then chewed me out extensively, even though the whole medical issue i was having was high blood pressure and the doctors had asked me to take it easy. She knew that and still kept yelling at me. It made absolutely no sense, just like it makes no sense that your sibling is snippy that you don't need chemo.

I've put a lot of distance between myself and my family because of this sort of stuff. I don't feel safe telling them stuff as I never know how they'll react. I don't feel I can rely on them. There's just too much family baggage, including a ton of sibling rivalry, for them to treat me objectively, let alone in a loving way. It really hurts, but that's where they are and I just continue to get hurt if I expect their love and support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, I'm sorry to hear of your diagnosis, OP.

Second,u sibling rivalry and dynamics hardly ever change in life, they just go dormant, and old patterns tend to re-emerge in times of stress. You are all three of you stressed right now!!!

Third, focus on your health and anxiety management. If that means creating some distance temporarily, then do so. Just tell them they're stressing you out right now.

So true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP, I'm sorry for your diagnosis.

I'd like to gently suggest that a lot of this might be your perception, in a difficult time, and not really anything intentional or wrong that your family is doing. You didn't give anything specific on what people have said or done, other than a benign comment about medicine advancing.

Unless there is other complicating history or dynamics in your family, I would encourage you to just change the way you are thinking about this. It may not be "sibling rivalry" so much as it is commiseration over shared experiences and noting the differences in those experiences. Think of it like a formal support group- for cancer or anything else. People have some things in common but there are differences in experiences and emotions that are discussed.

OP here
Isn't just about every interpersonal reaction about perception? There's no objective meters, to my knowledge.
I've reminded sibling #1 that they had a different type of cancer profile, and physicians would throw more aggressive treatments at someone under 50 vs someone who's 60, but the comments keep coming. I almost feel like it's reopening old wounds, the hair loss, the fear, the neuropathy which lasted for years.
When our first family members got ill, 35 and 23 yrs ago, there was not much to be done, both relatives perished in under 2 years. Sibling #1 was the first to survive, but the experience revealed the BRCA issue.

Of course it is. How could it not be? It’s traumatic to experience that. A lot of people who go through traumatic medical events develop PTSD. Even if the treatment wasn’t awful, there’s the fact that the cancer could be deadly and they had to deal with that possibility. As you know now, that’s scary and traumatic as well. So yeah, it probably felt like a donkey kick to the gut when you announced your diagnosis and treatment plan, because now as well as reliving their own experiences, they’re worried about their sibling, plus the new round of cancer and treatment has probably reawakened the fear of their own cancers recurring. It also probably reinforces the fear of the genetic link to cancer and they’re worried about every other woman in their family-because apparently it’s far reaching in your family. Plus, your sister who had chemo might be a little afraid that you and your sister who aren’t getting chemo might be at risk for not getting it. Yeah treatments have changed, but you know she must’ve been told this was the only way to give her a shot at life, and she endured and survived. There might be jealousy, not the bad kind where she wishes you had to go through all the crap she had to, but the normal kind where anyone would wish they didn’t have to go through chemo.

That all seems normal to me. It doesn’t seem like rivalry or oneupmanship to me exactly. It just sounds like cancer sucks and they wish none of you had to deal with it or relive their own experiences. It’s also normal for you to feel disappointment if they’re not able to be supportive the way you need or the way you were for them, because they’re jaded by their own experiences. Sometimes people suck and it’s not even their fault, but just because they’re finished with treatment for now, they’re not really surely cancer is finished with them. I think everyone in the story is being driven by fear and anxiety, and that’s completely understandable.

I wish you all the best, and I hope you have a good network of friends who can be your support group. Your sisters may not have the capacity to help you the way you need. It sucks, but if you’re already disappointed with their responses, it’s probably best to change your expectations rather than hope they change their behaviors.

Good post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're a BRCA family, and I'm the third sibling to be diagnosed with cancer
The first sibling was diagnosed 14 yrs ago, had pretty radical surgery, chemo, the works, a rough time
Second sibling, got diagnosed 5 months ago, had surgery only, and is still in watch mode
Now I've been diagnosed last month and have surgery coming up, to be followed by oral medicine but not chemo
Sibling #1 seems almost snippy that I won't have to get chemo. I don't know how to explain it, just multiple remarks that maybe that sibling could have avoided chemo too if more modern options were out there.
Sibling #2's spouse seems upset too, like I timed my diagnosis to eclipse #2's attention, sibling #2 seems fairly normal for someone coping with crap/healing issues
I feel like shutting down the flow of info, like I can't really talk to the siblings who have gone through it/currently dealing with cancer, like it's upsetting sibling #1 in a PTSD kind of way
Should I just step back from both? WWYD

OP, I'm sorry for your diagnosis.

I'd like to gently suggest that a lot of this might be your perception, in a difficult time, and not really anything intentional or wrong that your family is doing. You didn't give anything specific on what people have said or done, other than a benign comment about medicine advancing.

Unless there is other complicating history or dynamics in your family, I would encourage you to just change the way you are thinking about this. It may not be "sibling rivalry" so much as it is commiseration over shared experiences and noting the differences in those experiences. Think of it like a formal support group- for cancer or anything else. People have some things in common but there are differences in experiences and emotions that are discussed.

No need to gaslight OP and try to make her think she's imagining things.

OP, I get similar stuff from my family. For instance when I was having my first baby, my OB sent me to the hospital to be induced. I called my mom because she wanted to drive up to meet her first grandbaby. When I got to the hospital they decided to send me home and not induce me. I called my mom right away and said false alarm. She was furious with me, like I had done something to her. It was bizarre as she had only driven about 15 minutes from home. She then chewed me out extensively, even though the whole medical issue i was having was high blood pressure and the doctors had asked me to take it easy. She knew that and still kept yelling at me. It made absolutely no sense, just like it makes no sense that your sibling is snippy that you don't need chemo.

I've put a lot of distance between myself and my family because of this sort of stuff. I don't feel safe telling them stuff as I never know how they'll react. I don't feel I can rely on them. There's just too much family baggage, including a ton of sibling rivalry, for them to treat me objectively, let alone in a loving way. It really hurts, but that's where they are and I just continue to get hurt if I expect their love and support.

Goodness, I was not gaslighting.

I was offering an alternative way to think about/frame the situation that OP could choose to take. It was intended to be helpful.
It is often a good idea to mentally take a step back, objectively observe what is happening, remove the characterization/judgment, and decide how to proceed. We do in fact have control over over how we think about and perceive things.

If rather OP would like to continue to negatively characterize what her family is doing and commiserate with others that have had negative interactions/perceptions of her family, she is free to do that. But I'm not sure how it helps anything. Though it could be a helpful distraction...

[Anonymous]

I had a huge hopefully benign cyst removed from my head yesterday and was not 100 percent at work today because I have like 20 stitches in my skull and feel like shit. A coworker tried to one up me with her cyst removal story. People don't know what to say and are trying to relate but I agree with others who said it's not what you need right now. I'm sorry you and your siblings have gone through this, I would go with the old trope that you can only control your reaction, not anyone else's, and do what you need to get through this time. Best wishes to you.

[Anonymous]

Even in cancer support groups, people compare and try to one-down each other instead of supporting. It's the disease, not the people. Just find your support and don't share with people who are negative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also come from a BRCA family. My mother has never had a mammogram and she is in her 60s, but her brother died from cancer in his 30s and her father died of brain cancer. I only know about the BRCA because my doctor ordered genetic testing when I got sick two years ago and they couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t recovering like I should.

Mother called me a drama queen when I told her I was going through testing with oncology and was given a preliminary clinical diagnosis of early stage lymphoma. She questioned whether my doctors knew what they were talking about and I said I’m finished.

I told her I wasn’t going to tell her about my treatment plan or answer her questions because I can’t deal with her blame game and emotional neediness right now. I told her to call me when she could handle being supportive but if not to leave me alone. I haven’t heard from her since.

She’s a horror show. I’m so sorry, Pp. I hope you have a good support system. You deserve so much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP, I'm sorry for your diagnosis.

I'd like to gently suggest that a lot of this might be your perception, in a difficult time, and not really anything intentional or wrong that your family is doing. You didn't give anything specific on what people have said or done, other than a benign comment about medicine advancing.

Unless there is other complicating history or dynamics in your family, I would encourage you to just change the way you are thinking about this. It may not be "sibling rivalry" so much as it is commiseration over shared experiences and noting the differences in those experiences. Think of it like a formal support group- for cancer or anything else. People have some things in common but there are differences in experiences and emotions that are discussed.

OP here
Isn't just about every interpersonal reaction about perception? There's no objective meters, to my knowledge.
I've reminded sibling #1 that they had a different type of cancer profile, and physicians would throw more aggressive treatments at someone under 50 vs someone who's 60, but the comments keep coming. I almost feel like it's reopening old wounds, the hair loss, the fear, the neuropathy which lasted for years.
When our first family members got ill, 35 and 23 yrs ago, there was not much to be done, both relatives perished in under 2 years. Sibling #1 was the first to survive, but the experience revealed the BRCA issue.

Of course it is. How could it not be? It’s traumatic to experience that. A lot of people who go through traumatic medical events develop PTSD. Even if the treatment wasn’t awful, there’s the fact that the cancer could be deadly and they had to deal with that possibility. As you know now, that’s scary and traumatic as well. So yeah, it probably felt like a donkey kick to the gut when you announced your diagnosis and treatment plan, because now as well as reliving their own experiences, they’re worried about their sibling, plus the new round of cancer and treatment has probably reawakened the fear of their own cancers recurring. It also probably reinforces the fear of the genetic link to cancer and they’re worried about every other woman in their family-because apparently it’s far reaching in your family. Plus, your sister who had chemo might be a little afraid that you and your sister who aren’t getting chemo might be at risk for not getting it. Yeah treatments have changed, but you know she must’ve been told this was the only way to give her a shot at life, and she endured and survived. There might be jealousy, not the bad kind where she wishes you had to go through all the crap she had to, but the normal kind where anyone would wish they didn’t have to go through chemo.

That all seems normal to me. It doesn’t seem like rivalry or oneupmanship to me exactly. It just sounds like cancer sucks and they wish none of you had to deal with it or relive their own experiences. It’s also normal for you to feel disappointment if they’re not able to be supportive the way you need or the way you were for them, because they’re jaded by their own experiences. Sometimes people suck and it’s not even their fault, but just because they’re finished with treatment for now, they’re not really surely cancer is finished with them. I think everyone in the story is being driven by fear and anxiety, and that’s completely understandable.

I wish you all the best, and I hope you have a good network of friends who can be your support group. Your sisters may not have the capacity to help you the way you need. It sucks, but if you’re already disappointed with their responses, it’s probably best to change your expectations rather than hope they change their behaviors.

Good post.

Agreed. Very thoughtful post, despite the PP who followed up with calling this gaslighting.

We all respond to others in a combination of caring for the person and the fear that it brings up in us. It's human nature.

[Anonymous]

I am sibling #1 in this scenario. I still feel guilty. Be as gentle as you can with yourself and with both of your siblings. It gets better as time passes - if you are lucky and all three remain cancer free (knock wood, the three of us have) - this drama will dissipate.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she feels like her cancer and genetic diagnose allowed you to catch it sooner. Plus the advancement in treatments help.

I don’t think this is necessarily sibling rivalry. I think she’s being honest with her emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also come from a BRCA family. My mother has never had a mammogram and she is in her 60s, but her brother died from cancer in his 30s and her father died of brain cancer. I only know about the BRCA because my doctor ordered genetic testing when I got sick two years ago and they couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t recovering like I should.

Mother called me a drama queen when I told her I was going through testing with oncology and was given a preliminary clinical diagnosis of early stage lymphoma. She questioned whether my doctors knew what they were talking about and I said I’m finished.

I told her I wasn’t going to tell her about my treatment plan or answer her questions because I can’t deal with her blame game and emotional neediness right now. I told her to call me when she could handle being supportive but if not to leave me alone. I haven’t heard from her since.

Wow!

[Anonymous]

Op I get it. My. Sister is freakishly competitive with everything including illness so I share nothing. Mom makes everything about her and her anxiety. Her “support” is calling so you can try to calm her. I tell her very little. Both are limited. I don’t want to overwhelm friends so I find therapy and support groups helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Competitive cancer within a family. Wow, I guess there's a first for everything.

I have a friend whose dad and sister are like that. They are constantly one-upping each other withwho has it the worst.

Op, step back. Let them have their drama.