How to Help Aging Parent and Caregiving Sibling

[Anonymous]

Things you can suggest doing (perhaps write a list and ask whether sibling would find this helpful):
-Make sure you have a reserve of sick and vacation leave so you can fly out if needed. Be prepared to take FMLA if you need to.
-Order groceries to be delivered (ask if they would like to give you a list, or if they would like you to meal plan and decide what to order)
-Order supplies as needed (diapers, masks, toiletries, whatever)
-If not already done, offer to put all the utilities and maybe other bills on automatic draft so bills don't need to get paid
-Offer to go out as least a couple times a year to give sibling time off
-Be aware that when you visit your mother may rally and may appear better than she is day to day. It is common for out of town relatives to see a better version of the parent than local relatives
-Try not to be critical of local relatives' decision making
-Say thank you for all they are doing
-Ask if there is anything you can do to be helpful
-When you visit, do handy work around the house. Change light bulbs, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dont see the point in doing this.

You were pissed about your time being wasted before, and that was for something they asked for. They havent asked for this, they will just toss it aside and you'll feel even more unappreciated.

I think a better route would be to set up a family meeting with the siblings, and offer it as a suggestion. See what they are struggling with, see what they might want help with, start planning out the next few months/years.

The person who should be making lists is the sibling: when you come to stay so i can get a break, here are some things that need doing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live on the east cost. My parent and one sibling are on the west coast. Given their proximity, my sibling has voluntarily helped my parent for years. My parent is happy with this and expects my sibling to help more as my parent declines. My parent very much wants someone to take care of them and make all of the big decisions for them. A few years ago my sibling and my parent separately asked me to help with a few "emergencies," which required me to drop everything I was doing to research and find options, only for my sibling to say "oh, I figured something out, I don't need your help anymore, didn't I tell you?" This happened multiple times over a few months. We didn't have a falling out, I just stepped away because clearly my time was being wasted. A year ago another sibling accidentally told me that the sibling close to my parent was recently diagnosed with ADHD. My parent doesn't know.

Part of me thinks I should come up with a list of cleaners, meal prep services, maintenance, etc. services for both my sibling and my parent for the time when my sibling hits a breaking point trying to take care of my parent and their house, along with my sibling's own house. Both my sibling and parent are adamant that my parent NOT go into a care center. Part of me thinks my sibling and parent have a history of ignoring my input even when they ask for it, so why bother? But I do think a crisis will come. Is there anything I can do now so that everyone is in a better position for whatever emergency unfolds?

How is that helpful to give them a list when you don't even live in the area. They know you will not help so they gave up asking. Sibling has figured it out and will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont see the point in doing this.

You were pissed about your time being wasted before, and that was for something they asked for. They havent asked for this, they will just toss it aside and you'll feel even more unappreciated.

I think a better route would be to set up a family meeting with the siblings, and offer it as a suggestion. See what they are struggling with, see what they might want help with, start planning out the next few months/years.

The person who should be making lists is the sibling: when you come to stay so i can get a break, here are some things that need doing

Exactly, go out for two weeks and give them a real break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont see the point in doing this.

You were pissed about your time being wasted before, and that was for something they asked for. They havent asked for this, they will just toss it aside and you'll feel even more unappreciated.

I think a better route would be to set up a family meeting with the siblings, and offer it as a suggestion. See what they are struggling with, see what they might want help with, start planning out the next few months/years.

The person who should be making lists is the sibling: when you come to stay so i can get a break, here are some things that need doing

Exactly, go out for two weeks and give them a real break.

Another +1. Instead of “dropping everything” to do research that’s unhelpful, try dropping everything to fly out and give sibling a break multiple times a year. Few of us “volunteer” to do this bc we want to, but rather we step up bc there’s no one else to do it and oftentimes it the other siblings who can’t be bothered to help out in any meaningful way. it comes at great cost personally, professionally, financially, and takes a significant toll on the caregiver’s health.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a sibling on the west coast, where my mother with alzheimers was. She is now near me in a care facility. My sibling has a pretty light load (unmarried, no kids, no pets, same stable job with no travel) but wasn't really prepared to deal with the reality of caring for our mother. Not that he was uncaring, but simply didn't understand what needed to happen or understand/willingness to see the reality of where she was (she was pretty good at "showtiming" every 2-3 months when he'd come visit and we had in home care for a while but only slowly did we see all the stuff that wasn't happening).

anyway, I bear the burden and have a ton on my plate otherwise, and a lot of it is stuff my brother just can't really do from afar. What he can do:

--not second guessing decisions we have made
--do her taxes (I send all the paperwork, but basically passed it off onto him this year); same with financial planning for the future
--come out for relief. we wanted to take a family vacation during a particularly bad time for my mom, he took a week out here. Worked from our home, but visited every day and took her to her doctors, etc. I also am planning to ask him to come for a few days and watch our tween/teens so DH and I can take a break.
--call her (he should do this more). I sometimes get 4-5 plaintive calls a day, it would be nice if he called more than every 3 weeks.
--send her things. she is bored and lonely a lot of the time (hence calling and complaining to me and expecting us to come by every night). if he sent her some novels (easy reads), a few things here and there it cheers her up.
--deal with whatever paperwork I can't deal with. I do most things, but she has a rental property that I was also managing. I've dropped that and asked him to take over correspondence with the property manager.

Now, my mom has a lot of hands on care--in addition to assisted living, I hired someone who comes in 2x/week to help her shower, keeps her organized, runs errands for her, etc. But if your parent is home with silbing, I would suggest offering/paying for meal delivery or door dash and looking into a service like naborforce (neighborforce?), some pinch hitting relief and cleaners. Mostly, just be a little present, check in, ask how parent and sibling are doing.

I was kind of resentful of sibling at first, but i also made the decision to move mom here and if I am explicit with sibling about what I need and they do it, I'm okay with it.