How to Help Aging Parent and Caregiving Sibling

[Anonymous]

I live on the east cost. My parent and one sibling are on the west coast. Given their proximity, my sibling has voluntarily helped my parent for years. My parent is happy with this and expects my sibling to help more as my parent declines. My parent very much wants someone to take care of them and make all of the big decisions for them. A few years ago my sibling and my parent separately asked me to help with a few "emergencies," which required me to drop everything I was doing to research and find options, only for my sibling to say "oh, I figured something out, I don't need your help anymore, didn't I tell you?" This happened multiple times over a few months. We didn't have a falling out, I just stepped away because clearly my time was being wasted. A year ago another sibling accidentally told me that the sibling close to my parent was recently diagnosed with ADHD. My parent doesn't know.

Part of me thinks I should come up with a list of cleaners, meal prep services, maintenance, etc. services for both my sibling and my parent for the time when my sibling hits a breaking point trying to take care of my parent and their house, along with my sibling's own house. Both my sibling and parent are adamant that my parent NOT go into a care center. Part of me thinks my sibling and parent have a history of ignoring my input even when they ask for it, so why bother? But I do think a crisis will come. Is there anything I can do now so that everyone is in a better position for whatever emergency unfolds?

[Anonymous]

Make a list but don't put in a lot of time. It will become obselete fast.

Save up money and vacation time. It will be needed, even if your sibling has rejected help in the past.

Consider that the ADHD is why your sibling didn't accept your help. Sibling is not organized enough to have an additional person (you) to incorporate. Don't take it personally. You probably overwhelmed sibling with excessive research, a list of 100 options is not actually helpful. Or your options were not the right fit, and maybe that's due to you not understanding their needs.

The other thing you should do is fly out and spend time purely for social reasons. You will learn SO much from quiet observation.

[Anonymous]

You can move to the west coast and do the job yourself. Otherwise you’re just in the way unless they ask you for something.

[Anonymous]

What you can do: Take a turn being the caregiver. For 2 weeks give your sibling a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make a list but don't put in a lot of time. It will become obselete fast.

Save up money and vacation time. It will be needed, even if your sibling has rejected help in the past.

Consider that the ADHD is why your sibling didn't accept your help. Sibling is not organized enough to have an additional person (you) to incorporate. Don't take it personally. You probably overwhelmed sibling with excessive research, a list of 100 options is not actually helpful. Or your options were not the right fit, and maybe that's due to you not understanding their needs.

The other thing you should do is fly out and spend time purely for social reasons. You will learn SO much from quiet observation.

Yes, learning of the ADHD diagnosis completely changed how I'd viewed many prior experiences. Also, I agree quiet observation is a great way to learn. I've learned a lot from that already (like that things do get figured out without me. ha ha.)

[Anonymous]

I would stay far, far away from doing things like create lists, etc given the history you have here — along with the insistent “they will never go to care” position. You are far away and you cannot realistically do much.

Instead, I would try to fly out a couple of times a year to give your sibling a break. And I would be fully supportive if sibling changes their mind in the future and decides that parents have to fend for themselves or move into a care facility.

[Anonymous]

I would start by dropping that chip on your shoulder about having wasted your time on research that wasn’t used while sibling is doing all the heavy lifting of caregiving.

[Anonymous]

Can all the siblings meet to discuss what is needed and how to divide it up? Obviously, the local person will have a lot on their shoulders, but maybe there are things like financial management, dealing with insurance, etc that you can take over. Gets things off their plate but is routine so you avoid the panic/who is doing what issues.

Agree that working out times to visit and help out is critical. When my Mom was caring for my Dad, my sister and I alternated weekend visits so she had a break and company. It’s draining being responsible for someone all the time. The company was also good for my Dad who was housebound.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would start by dropping that chip on your shoulder about having wasted your time on research that wasn’t used while sibling is doing all the heavy lifting of caregiving.

Yes this 100%. So you were inconvenienced a few times. You have no idea.

Don’t micromanage your sibling from afar. If you want to take on the caregiver role and all the responsibilities that come with it move and step up.

How you can really help your sibling is be willing to go there so they can take a vacation, or at least be on standby if an emergency arises. Buy them a spa gift card or a restaurant gift card and give them the gift of self care, if they can fit it in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would start by dropping that chip on your shoulder about having wasted your time on research that wasn’t used while sibling is doing all the heavy lifting of caregiving.

This. WTF, OP? You're getting off light here. Yes, you had some time wasted. Please get some perspective.

And yes, make the lists. Offer to help. And fly out to give sibling a break.

And then thank your lucky stars you have someone doing the grunt work day-to-day.

[Anonymous]

Posting with some empathy for OP. I am in a very similar situation. It is very hard to call and ask how things are going, and to visit and hear all about the day to day. Observe nothing serious, ask all of the questions, everything is ok, all is great. And then be contacted in a panic because there is a situation that has gotten out of hand, come in and help within the bounds of the request and then rinse and repeat. I'm working really hard on accepting the situation and accepting that I can't control what I can't control and the way for me to be a loving daughter and sibling is to understand that nothing about this situation is set up with malice towards me. I am grateful for all of the help my sibling provides day to day. Beyond grateful. I don't have to worry about my parents in a certain level. And I have empathy for my sibling who was raised to be dependent on my parents. And still is for material needs of life. I am sure my ADHD sibling does not have the ability to see how hard this can be for me, and that is OK. THat's what I'm working on letting go of. And I am sure that my parents did the best they could with the tools they had at the time. I'm grateful to be the one who is able to support myself and my family, but in this dynamic it comes at the expense of being an outsider in my family of origin. My parents refer to sibling+spouse+children as "their family" all of the time. That stung at first, but I know it's just careless words and I can't get hung up on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posting with some empathy for OP. I am in a very similar situation. It is very hard to call and ask how things are going, and to visit and hear all about the day to day. Observe nothing serious, ask all of the questions, everything is ok, all is great. And then be contacted in a panic because there is a situation that has gotten out of hand, come in and help within the bounds of the request and then rinse and repeat. I'm working really hard on accepting the situation and accepting that I can't control what I can't control and the way for me to be a loving daughter and sibling is to understand that nothing about this situation is set up with malice towards me. I am grateful for all of the help my sibling provides day to day. Beyond grateful. I don't have to worry about my parents in a certain level. And I have empathy for my sibling who was raised to be dependent on my parents. And still is for material needs of life. I am sure my ADHD sibling does not have the ability to see how hard this can be for me, and that is OK. THat's what I'm working on letting go of. And I am sure that my parents did the best they could with the tools they had at the time. I'm grateful to be the one who is able to support myself and my family, but in this dynamic it comes at the expense of being an outsider in my family of origin. My parents refer to sibling+spouse+children as "their family" all of the time. That stung at first, but I know it's just careless words and I can't get hung up on it.

From the caregivers perspective things are okay and great until they aren’t. Then it’s a crisis. A crisis of a huge proportion. I had to call in my west coast sibling reinforcement when my mom was hospitalized for the third time in seven weeks (broken pelvis, sepsis then COVID) and I had to quickly move her from assisted living to memory care. A million decisions over a very short period on top of juggling everything else in life (work, house, other relationships) that all need to be addressed immediately. I call the “okay and great times” the calm before the next crisis. It is such an incredibly difficult situation to be completely responsible for all the decisions impacting your parent and their quality of life. Your input and the input of the OP are probably just one small issue that needs to be addressed or decided in a gigantic pot of huge issues. Count your lucky stars this isn’t your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posting with some empathy for OP. I am in a very similar situation. It is very hard to call and ask how things are going, and to visit and hear all about the day to day. Observe nothing serious, ask all of the questions, everything is ok, all is great. And then be contacted in a panic because there is a situation that has gotten out of hand, come in and help within the bounds of the request and then rinse and repeat. I'm working really hard on accepting the situation and accepting that I can't control what I can't control and the way for me to be a loving daughter and sibling is to understand that nothing about this situation is set up with malice towards me. I am grateful for all of the help my sibling provides day to day. Beyond grateful. I don't have to worry about my parents in a certain level. And I have empathy for my sibling who was raised to be dependent on my parents. And still is for material needs of life. I am sure my ADHD sibling does not have the ability to see how hard this can be for me, and that is OK. THat's what I'm working on letting go of. And I am sure that my parents did the best they could with the tools they had at the time. I'm grateful to be the one who is able to support myself and my family, but in this dynamic it comes at the expense of being an outsider in my family of origin. My parents refer to sibling+spouse+children as "their family" all of the time. That stung at first, but I know it's just careless words and I can't get hung up on it.

From the caregivers perspective things are okay and great until they aren’t. Then it’s a crisis. A crisis of a huge proportion. I had to call in my west coast sibling reinforcement when my mom was hospitalized for the third time in seven weeks (broken pelvis, sepsis then COVID) and I had to quickly move her from assisted living to memory care. A million decisions over a very short period on top of juggling everything else in life (work, house, other relationships) that all need to be addressed immediately. I call the “okay and great times” the calm before the next crisis. It is such an incredibly difficult situation to be completely responsible for all the decisions impacting your parent and their quality of life. Your input and the input of the OP are probably just one small issue that needs to be addressed or decided in a gigantic pot of huge issues. Count your lucky stars this isn’t your life.

I can see this point of view, which is why I am working on accepting where I sit in this dynamic. And as I mentioned, I do count my lucky stars that I sit where I sit. Also, I'm sure it occurs to you that there are as many different versions of this story as their are families and it's possible that different caregivers have different competencies and emotional intelligences (same is true of the more distant siblings!). It's hard being the adult child of an aging parent and my reason for posting for our OP is to share hope that OP comes to some peace with what is. It's been a lot of work for me over the last few years on that side of it and it's helped my relationship with my family.

If I were your sibling I'd be incredibly grateful for you.

[Anonymous]

Things are ok until they aren't because that is what is the mindset people require to cope. It's being present and experiencing life in a peaceful, manageable state - if all possible. As the default.

[Anonymous]

I dont see the point in doing this.

You were pissed about your time being wasted before, and that was for something they asked for. They havent asked for this, they will just toss it aside and you'll feel even more unappreciated.

I think a better route would be to set up a family meeting with the siblings, and offer it as a suggestion. See what they are struggling with, see what they might want help with, start planning out the next few months/years.