anyone else worried about their parents' finances?

[Anonymous]

My mother's in her late 50s, not working due to disabilities, and going through her limited savings. Her finances should improve once she pays off the mortgage (less than 2 years), gets approved for Social Security Disability, or turns 62 and starts collecting SS retirement. On the flip side, she will probably have higher medical expenses as she gets older. Right now I'm planning to hold off on helping her financially until she really needs help paying for basic needs, and am trying to save some money for this. There are a few areas where she could cut expenses a little. We're focused on trying to save for retirement and building our emergency fund before we have our 1st kid. I feel guilty about not helping her financially now beyond buying her groceries and sometimes filling up her car when we visit. I'm also worrying about not being able to meet our financial goals and help her in the future when she needs it.

[Anonymous]

There have been some good threads on this recently. You do need to shore up your own family's financial picture first, but we (in slightly similar shoes) have also accepted that we would be the only siblings able to help if our MIL needed it. So we're trying to save more in general to prepare for that eventuality. We have helped her with high utility bills in the past. If you're able to, I recommend having as open and honest a conversation as you can with her now about her financial picture, helping to set a budget and seeing where you could be helpful, even at the margins. Sometimes just getting a better handle on her situation will make you feel less out of control about the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

Have the honest conversation now, definitely.

And look at the things she may consider "untouchable" -- can she sell that house and live in a smaller, less expensive one that's walking distance to what she needs (or closer to you) to save gas? Could she rent out a room to a boarder/student? Can she give up cable (if she has it)? Other luxuries? Can she sell some old furniture/belongings? Can she make money on the side baking cookies/knitting/quilting?

These are some of the steps we went through with my grandmother recently when she could no longer support herself, but my family was too financially tenuous to help with $. Good luck and I hope that everything works out!

[Anonymous]

I don't worry too much about my parents. Although they're not rolling in money, they both still have stable employment (they're late 50s/early 60s) and will have relatively good pensions. They also live in a low cost area. Medical costs, of course, are the wild card. I don't think they have enough to weather a bad medical crisis or really long term nursing care.

I worry more about my in-laws. Their house is paid off and my MIL is still working, but her job is not stable and my FIL spends money like water, especially now that he's retired. I think at some point one or both of them will probably come live with us. I really do. My husband is the only one of their 3 children who is in a position to help significantly.

[Anonymous]

Reverse mortgage or selling the house will probably be in her future. If it's too expensive for her to maintain a separate household, I would plan on having her move in with me rather than supplementing her income directly. She should also try to hold off on collecting SS until she's 65. Her benefit will be higher.

[Anonymous]

OP,
A possible upside is there are programs to help people of little means. People with higher assets are not allowed to participate. Have you met with an eldercare professional to strategize for your mother?

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the replies. Unfortunately, she has mental health issues, and I could not stand to have her live with us. Some of the other suggestions are very helpful.

[Anonymous]

"And look at the things she may consider "untouchable" -- can she sell that house and live in a smaller, less expensive one that's walking distance to what she needs (or closer to you) to save gas? Could she rent out a room to a boarder/student? Can she give up cable (if she has it)? Other luxuries? Can she sell some old furniture/belongings? Can she make money on the side baking cookies/knitting/quilting? "

Mental Note - save, save, save for retirement,
so I don't have to put myself or my kids through this shit.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this about my MIL. She's irresponsible in general but recently she basically exhausted her (already meager) retirement fund to invest in something risky, and it hasn't panned out. She is still working now and meeting her basic expenses but she's 65 and has virtually no savings of any kind. DH has spoken to her about it before but she refuses to face facts, and since she's not yet in a position to need help there's not much we can do. It's so frustrating because I know that in 10 years when we're paying her grocery and heating bills I'm going to be thinking back to every ridiculous overpriced plastic monstrosity she bought our kids and every unpaid parking ticket she let go until it cost 5 times as much. DH and I do OK but we're not wealthy--we could help her but not without compromising some of our own goals. If we end up having to give her money, I am going to insist on a LOT more oversight of her spending, which of course is not going to go over well. I feel like we know what's going to happen but we are powerless to prevent it. it sucks.