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Mother Baby Bonding
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Anonymous
| I know a couple of women who are what I would call reluctant moms. They prefer working and outsourcing the baby duties to daycare, nannies, and dad. They readily admit it and are fine with it. I'm not anyone to judge but interested on what affect this would have on their children later in life. Does anyone know of any good resources on how this might affect their kids? |
Anonymous
| Both my sister and I were "outsourced" to daycare at 6 months and we are happy, well-adjusted adults. IMO it all depends on quality of care you get from your parents - not quantity. |
Anonymous
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Why do you feel that working makes someone less of a mother? Do you feel this way about fathers too? Should we all go on welfare in order to prove that we love our children? (Oops, I forgot -- even welfare moms have to work now.)
By the way, I work -- and my nanny does not "mother" my child. You are sooooooooooooo judging me. Get a life. |
Anonymous
| PPs, I'm not talking about working mothers. I'm talking about moms who decided becoming a mom was not what they expected but don't give up their children. This could be a sahm too. The bonding is not there, that's the question. |
Anonymous
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It really depends on how the child care is arranged and handled. Secure bonding with a primary attachment figure in a long-term relationship during the first few years is VERY important to emotional health in later life.
I know parents like the ones you describe. Some have a nanny who has been with their children from the beginning. Others go through caretakers on a regular basis. I worry greatly about the impact on their children of those parents who go through caretakers as though they are simply employees and not significant figures in the emotional worlds of their children. |
Anonymous
| OP, I don't know the answer to your question but I do know what of you speak. I and all my friends work, but there is one who has no interest in mothering and just had a baby because it was expected of her. |
Anonymous
Wow, you're too quick to jump on this one. She's not talking about working mothers, but mothers that have no interest in being a mom. That's a huge difference!! |
Anonymous
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My mom outsourced. Was way more interested in having a big career than parenting her children. She was working 7to7 and we have much fonder memories of the nanny than mom. We still are in touch with our nanny and I even sent her a mothers day gift.
As a result, I stay home with my kids. Just my outlook. I do not want them to feel the way I did growing up...as property. I learned how to behave as a mom from my nanny and still call her with questions, I never look to my mom for guidance (maybe career guidance whenever I decide to pick that up again). |
Anonymous
It just sounds judgmental, is all. Why do you want to research what is going to happen with children who are not yours and over whose lives you have no control? The only appeal I can imagine is getting the chance to feel smug because your kids are going to have it so much better. A few decades ago, plenty of kids were raised by mothers who discovered they didn't love the hands-on, nuts-and-bolts part of parenthood (and plenty of dads still feel that way and get away with it unjudged). My MIL would have been much better off working and outsourcing much of the childcare, but that wasn't an option. I do work for an actual salary, but I also enjoy hanging out with my kids. My husband thinks I'm a much better mother than his mother was, although he realizes she was doing the best she could with what she had available. Plenty of people want to have big careers and children. The children don't necessarily suffer. Staying home is not a universal fix, although it can be a way of allowing someone like the PP to work through her issues. The kids are going to be fine as long as they know they matter to their parents. Parents can send that message whether they work or not. And they can fail to send that message whether they work or not. |
Anonymous
| PP, I work, probably more than you do (and maybe make more too). That's not the point. I'm interested because one of the children I'm referring to is a nephew. Good enough for you? And BTW, I was raised by many nannies too and my mom worked and loved us a lot. There some who would rather work and play without their children. Our communities would be a lot stronger if people cared a lot more about each other instead of looking the other way. Not everyone is looking to get into smug discussions. Glad I don't know you. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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My mom was at home with me but was probably clinically depressed when I was growing up and "outsourced" my emotional needs to my dad and my much-older sisters. She had cancer and died when I was 23. Both the emotional detachment and the illness were pretty horrible and affected me in a lot of different ways. Now that I'm a mom, I can forgive her a litte more as I realize that a lot of her problems didn't have anything to do with me but that she was simply numb emotionally to get through her days. I can't imagine treating my DS like she did me and it makes me feel really badly for her.
Maybe the moms you know are depressed or just can't handle their emotions. Kids tend to make you feel more and people who can't handle that just cut out however they can. |
Anonymous
I'm the child of another 7 to 7 mom (on a good day, when she wasn't traveling). I'm not sure how it has affected me long term. I definitely have my issues and adore my dad, but I'm not sure how much has to do with being essentially motherless. One thing I do know for sure is how much I resent it when she pays attention to me now, such as trying to have a hand in planning my wedding or coming to visit when my kids were born, as if she's trying to make up for lost time. It ain't happening. I stay at home, too, for what it's worth, because I remember thinking as a girl how lucky the other kids were with their moms around all the time. |
Anonymous
| Question for the PP--did your dad work fewer hours than your mom? I'm just curious, not judging your feeling towards either parent, but honestly wondering if your dad worked less than your mom. |
Anonymous
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A couple of more questions/thoughts for you, OP:
1. You say that you are talking about women who discovered that being a mother was not what they expected. Hmmmm....to me this defines just about 100% of mothers. Is there any mother who can honestly say that being a mother is just what she expected. 2. I think it is really easy for you to decide you know what your nephew's experience of his mother is from the outside in. In fact, your nephew, as an adult, may turn out to be quite well adjusted with very fond memories of his mother...and kids who grew up with an eager, attached, nurturing mother may turn out to be not so well adjusted, with a lot of mother anger. You just don't know. |