SAHM pregnant with twins - DH wants a divorce....what to do?

[Anonymous]

DH and I have a three year old and are pregnant with twins. He wants me to abort them so he can leave. I am nearly 20 weeks and refuse to do so (he brought up abortion at week 17). We both agreed to having a second baby (He made the decision to come to me ready for another child). I stay at home with little promise of a good job unless I go back to school. He says he'll stay until they are born, then leave. But then sometimes he says he is going to leave now. Then other times he says not until the kids are older. I have no idea what to do. I need him from a financial standpoint, but he is very mean and cold now. I am sick of tired of this back and forth crap. I am in a constant state of stress and worry. What should I do? Anyone go through something similar?

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry, OP. Do you have any idea what's causing this? I'm puzzled by his back-and-forth on either leaving now or much later.

However, if you are SAHM, you have a shot at getting alimony, including temporary alimony while separated, until you can get a decent job. That might include going back to school so that you qualify for a higher earning job. Maybe that's part of his hesitation. Divorce is a financial nightmare and maybe he knows he'll be on the hook for some serious support. Especially with 3 kids.

If I were you, I'd start securing your financial well-being right now. Get your own savings account and start saving. Know that he can withdrawal all your savings in joint accounts at any time and while you can get your amount back eventually, that's never a fun position to be in. Get a credit report and see what's outstanding, what accounts exist, etc. He can also do damage to your joint credit, so it's worth closing as many accounts that have your name on it as possible.

If you can, consult a lawyer, and counseling for you might be helpful too, to help you through the stress. I'm so sorry this is happening at all, but it's even more hurtful for it to be happening while pregnant. Do you have family or supportive friends close by?

[Anonymous]

Oh, and document everything. Including his insistence that you get an abortion. By hand is best, but online is OK, too.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I'm so sorry. It is a confusing story. He wanted to have a second, and then went cold? Is he explaining himself?

Do you have access to any funds? Can you see a lawyer without his knowing you saw one? They charge $300 or more an hour.

Do you have family close by?

Keep us posted ...

[Anonymous]

My husbands job is very low paying - we just get by with my staying home. We decided it was the best move for the kid(s) when they were little. With his salary, my alimony/child support would still be VERY low. I have calculated the costs of daycare for all three, and my salary alone would barely cover it, if at all. Even with his support, I could not keep our house (which is a modest to low mortgage of 1500/month). Plus, if I leave, then all three kids go straight to daycare, which I wanted to avoid. Did anyone stay till the kids hit school age?

We don't have much money or assets, no debt or outstanding balances and great credit. As much as he is a dick right now, he is responsible with money. He has offered all money and assets to me. That is when he talks about leaving.

So frustrating and it is Thanksgiving today!

[Anonymous]

I would very quietly start compiling a list of items to sell. It sounds like you have limited assets, but you'd be surprised at how much you can get through Craigslist and some well-timed yard sales, assuming things remain stable until spring. I've raised a couple thousand dollars by doing this myself. I sold everything from old coffee cups to art pieces to clothes and shoes I hardly wore.

I would---to the very best of my ability----keep a very cool head about this. He is clearly freaking out. Don't mirror this. Instead, model serenity.

I would also steadfastly go about securing some community support. Do you attend church? Is there a local moms' group that you can connect with? What about old girlfriends with whom you've lost touch? I would just go about cultivating relationships that can counterbalance all of the negativity your husband is throwing your way. I would volunteer somewhere/anywhere just to build a work history. Catholic Charities just lost a ton of funding, they'd love the help. What about children's hour at the local library?

What supports can you put in place for the twins? Is there a social worker that you can meet with to learn more about services that you may be eligible for if your husband should follow through on his threat? Knowing that you qualify for subsidized daycare or that you've located a source for affordable baby clothes may calm your husband down enough for him to see past the anxiety.

Can you rent out space in the house in order to make the mortgage payment each month? We have a tenant who lives in the main area of the house with us and it's not a bad situation at all. Would your husband be willing to stay in a separate part of the house and contribute "rent"?

Three children may seem insurmountable right now. He's stuck in a fight or flight response. He's really struggling. Help pull him toward a constructive way of managing the challenge of providing for the family.

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, just wanted to say that I know what you are going through and I am sorry you are experiencing this. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Wowie. Given that your husband may soon be "ex" husband, can you rely on other people in your life to provide support? Going back to school without an income or with reduced income is no small feat, especially with young children/babies.

I know that in my parents' generation, moving back in with parents (even when married) in order to finish off graduate school etc. is a time honored tradition. The parents/grandparents took up a lot of slack, including providing free or very-reduced-rent accommodations and childcare.

Can you also plug into this kind of network of support? Can your husband? I mean, if he doesn't have to pay rent while you're going back to school, this may be a win-win investment for all of you.

[Anonymous]

So sorry for you. I agree with PP that your best bet is to try to convince your parents to let you move in with them. You unfortunately must think in worst-case scenario terms as your husband is not reliable.

[Anonymous]

OP,
I am so so sorry.
You should speak to a lawyer, knowledge is power, you will better understand your options.
They are expensive.
Can someone help you there?

[Anonymous]

What the hell is wrong with him?

First, you do not NEED him from a financial stand point. You will get a LOAD of child support and alimony as he is the one abandoning you and your children.

First, yes find a lawyer that has worked with cases and WON like this before. Your husband will also have to pay all attorney fees as he is the one choosing to terminate things.

DOCUMENTATION. Start, if you have not already, writing down everything that he say threatening (with dates is even better). Like him telling you to abort is abusive if the two of you originally wanted more children.

If I were you I would quickly obtain power. Go to him and calmly tell him that he is free to leave if that is indeed what he wants to do, BUT make sure you make it clear to him that he will be abandoning you and your children (all three of them). Then let him know he can plan on hearing from your lawyer.

Knowledge is power and so is calm, self control and understanding just what type of power you do have in this situation.

If you really do not want your marriage to end because you really love this man then by all means, fight for it. But it sounds like you are staying for the "sake of the children" and his financial security.

Just be smart, think of your children and do not stoop to his level of stupidity.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

19:01: How can you give such specific counsel when we do not even know where OP resides? Plus, in a second post, OP said her husband's job was very low paying. There is no boat load of money to give in child support and alimony.

As for hearing from her attorney, one letter can cost $1,000 in legal fees.

Are you divorced?

OP, please see a lawyer. Divorce and custody laws are different in DC, VA and MD. See one who practices where you live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really sorry, OP. Do you have any idea what's causing this? I'm puzzled by his back-and-forth on either leaving now or much later.

However, if you are SAHM, you have a shot at getting alimony, including temporary alimony while separated, until you can get a decent job. That might include going back to school so that you qualify for a higher earning job. Maybe that's part of his hesitation. Divorce is a financial nightmare and maybe he knows he'll be on the hook for some serious support. Especially with 3 kids.

If I were you, I'd start securing your financial well-being right now. Get your own savings account and start saving. Know that he can withdrawal all your savings in joint accounts at any time and while you can get your amount back eventually, that's never a fun position to be in. Get a credit report and see what's outstanding, what accounts exist, etc. He can also do damage to your joint credit, so it's worth closing as many accounts that have your name on it as possible.

If you can, consult a lawyer, and counseling for you might be helpful too, to help you through the stress. I'm so sorry this is happening at all, but it's even more hurtful for it to be happening while pregnant. Do you have family or supportive friends close by?

Strange as it may seem but closing accounts is also bad for your credit. If they are joint simply have your name taken off but the best thing is to see an attorney for advice. Use a joint credit card to pay for same.

[Anonymous]

Use a joint credit card to pay for an attorney? Actually, I'd try to pay in a way that OP's husband can't trace. It would be great if a relative could lend her money so she could set up her own individual checking account someplace. A small one.

Also, my sense is you can't take your name off joint accounts without the other person signing documentation. So ...

Do NOT take any legal advice here, OP, except to see a lawyer!

Of course, keep a log or a calendar, hard copy is best.

[Anonymous]

19:01 here...Yes I have been divorced once.

I was not talking about his actual income so much as trying to shed some light on she should not be concerned about finances so much. As a SAHM of one with two more on the way she will be entitled to most of his income should they divorce.

What is completely idiotic is people telling her to close accounts, sell shit and so on.

She needs to relax and use her brain right now so she does not get shit on by an irrational husband who is going through some kind of mid-life crisis.

I have seen it, been through it and know a bit about what I am saying here.

OP, you do need to stay as level headed as you can and do not become irrational yourself so that you do maintain power over yourself and your situation.

Women are so much stronger and made of so much more than many of the other posters are putting in as far as advice here. Telling her to run home to her parents and so on. She needs to work hard and figure out the right path for her to stand on her own should she have to so she does not dig any other holes she will need to get out of later.