Any advice for dealing with racist comments?

[Anonymous]

We moved in to the xxxxxxxxx area this summer, and although our immediate neighbors have chosen other options, we wanted to send our child to the local elementary. It has a pretty good reputation and my daughter loves her teacher, although she is having some problems feeling accepted by her classmates. For weeks she has been telling me about the struggles her teacher has had getting the rest of her class to behave and stay on task and how one child in particular has been giving her a hard time because my child isn't getting in trouble or getting poor grades. Now this child has started saying that the reason my daughter is praised my her teacher is because she's yyyy and the other kids in the class are now joining in and teasing her and refusing to play with her, etc. My daughter is the only yyyy child in her grade, and the majority of kids in her class come from zzzzzz. I'm not really sure how to handle the situation and wondered if anyone had encountered a similar situation.

[Anonymous]

Leave.
Document, complain, sue etc.. if you want.
But the most important is to preserve your child's sense of worth and leave this toxic environment.

[Anonymous]

Or maybe work with the school to get the teacher the support she needs to help manage her class. Or maybe the other poster is right in suggesting you immediately SUE RIGHT AWAY.

Or maybe you're both trolls. THBPT.

[Anonymous]

I'd look to connect with other parents at the school ASAP--particularly other in-bounds parents. My child is currently in PS-3 at a majority non-white school. If there were race-based bullying in the upper grades, I'd have a huge incentive to do everything I could to try to eliminate it, because someday my child will be in your child's place.

Definitely talk to the school administration, but look for parents to talk to as well.

[Anonymous]

Believe me, this afternoon I truly did want to pull her out. But I don't feel I've given the administration a chance to act, having just informed them of the situation. I know that the lower grades are more racially integrated and I really love her teacher- and besides, it's my neighborhood school. I want it to be better and to deal with problems like this or it will be impossible to keep the community invested in the school. I just personally don't know what to say to my child. She has never talked about skin color or shown partiality when making friends, like many of her peers at her old school did. She just really wants to be liked and accepted. Things just came to a head this week because all of the students in her class lost their recess for bad behavior, except her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Believe me, this afternoon I truly did want to pull her out. But I don't feel I've given the administration a chance to act, having just informed them of the situation. I know that the lower grades are more racially integrated and I really love her teacher- and besides, it's my neighborhood school. I want it to be better and to deal with problems like this or it will be impossible to keep the community invested in the school. I just personally don't know what to say to my child. She has never talked about skin color or shown partiality when making friends, like many of her peers at her old school did. She just really wants to be liked and accepted. Things just came to a head this week because all of the students in her class lost their recess for bad behavior, except her.

Focus on your child, not the community in this case. Perhaps this is why your neighbors have chosen other schools.

[Anonymous]

Are there any girls in the class that your child likes? I would focus on finding one kid that she gets along with and have her build a friendship with that child - invite her over. You just need to loosen one bit of the thread. Is there a school counselor?

[Anonymous]

I went to an all black (literally) school in dc as a kid, and did not find the vibe welcoming as a white child. Found recourse in embracing my inner nerd and seeking validation. From the teachers. Not a positive experience. xxxx is now our neighborhood school and as a mixed race family it would give me serious pause to throw my child into a dynamic that you describe. Sounds like the kids are putting really negative pressure on each other. The administrationmust address this. Go to them at once and call a parent meeting. Discuss the elephant in the room and how you as a community will proceed. Parents should be willing to talk to their children about inclusiveness - in this case of someone white. But also about the perniciousness of teasing someone ( of any race) for academic achievement. That certainly cannot be an outlook that school would not combat with every character building resource at it's disposal. Don't accept this.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry this is happening to your child. It's hard enough to start a new school even without harassment.

I'd like to offer some suggestions as someone who has dealt with this as a child and a parent. First, accept that your child will never again be colorblind in the way you thought she was before this happened.

Address the bias and race issue honestly. Share your own experiences with having biases against people, intentional or not. Explain how you changed or learned to respect (or be respected by) people in painful situations. A child over the age of six who has never spoken about skin color is a bit unusual. There are lots of resources on line for dealing with race and bias in age-appropriate ways.

For you, if you haven't personally experienced being targeted as "the only one" of anything, talk to a minority parent who has. Be honest that you want help in understanding how your daughter might be feeling (like rage or shame, but not
(Other posters. What would you sue for? Teacher classroom mismanagement? Just asking.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to an all black (literally) school in dc as a kid, and did not find the vibe welcoming as a white child. Found recourse in embracing my inner nerd and seeking validation. From the teachers. Not a positive experience. xxxx is now our neighborhood school and as a mixed race family it would give me serious pause to throw my child into a dynamic that you describe. Sounds like the kids are putting really negative pressure on each other. The administrationmust address this. Go to them at once and call a parent meeting. Discuss the elephant in the room and how you as a community will proceed. Parents should be willing to talk to their children about inclusiveness - in this case of someone white. But also about the perniciousness of teasing someone ( of any race) for academic achievement. That certainly cannot be an outlook that school would not combat with every character building resource at it's disposal. Don't accept this.

Great post. This is what makes DC Urban Moms a great resource. Thanks for getting it done.

[Anonymous]

11:23 edit. Last paragraph, I meant a parent of any type of minority who you think would be receptive. Personally, I'd never be offended by a parent asking for help. Your child may have feelings of rage or shame that are hard to verbalize. Whether you stay or go, your child can come out of this with confidence, compassion and maturity beyond her years. As painful as it is, you took an important step in reaching out.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure if this applies in your case, but it is common for children of this age to band together against one or a few children, often under the influence of another child who is acting as "head bully". You mentioned that this all seemed to begin when one child started teasing her, and others are now following suit. The fact that this situation has a racial element makes it cut a little deeper, and is not something to be ignored, but race might not be the root of the problem. Now that the adults at school (teacher she likes? principal? counselor?) know about the situation, there will hopefully be some changes. There are positive ways to address bullying and race in the classroom, and your daughter's case might be an opportunity for this.

In any case, I am sorry to hear that your little girl is getting picked on. It is always a hard thing to experience, and perhaps a harder thing to witness. I hope you have a good outcome.

[Anonymous]

First let me say that I am a current parent at xxxx and yes I am yyy. My child has been there for the past 5 years and we absolutely love it. This is the first year at xxxx that I have had to speak about race. Race was never a major issue at the school before this year. All parents have always been able to work out any problem that our kids faced. We have a strong parent support system that you may not be aware of because you are new to the area.
The administration is extremely supportive and would work diligently to resolve the situation. However, in that same class, the same yyy student has been wrongfully accusing students of all types of abuse verbally and physcially. Once the allegations have been investigated, it was proven to be false. This student is the common denominator in all the reported allegations. Though I understand it is hard being the new kid on the block, xxxx students have always embraced all fellow classmates regardless of race and religion. Maybe there is another underlying issue that needs to be resolved with your child (ie, moving, new school).
You also stated that the reason for the your child is being targeted is because she is the brightess student in the class, which test scores have revealed she is not!
Furthermore, these same students have been in class with other races of students throught their years at xxxx and this has never been an issue. So my advice to you would be to use the school directory and talk to the parents of the student your child is having problems with and see what the real issues are instead of going on dcurbanmom and projecting a situation that is may not be reality.

[ Edited by Admin to remove identifying information. ]

[Anonymous]

I'm the poster who went to an all black school in dc as a kid. I'm willing to accept that sometimes the friction is 'not really about race'. Sometimes just about sticking out/ fitting in. Race can be the visible tip of the spear and the kid behavior- whether inclusive or bullying - the universal. That being said - it's probably pretty obvious who OPs kid is. I would hope parents reach out to OP - kindness on the part of parents has an odd way of trickling down to any community of children. That's what being a role model is....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First let me say that I am a current parent at xxxx and yes I am yyyy. My child has been there for the past 5 years and we absolutely love it. This is the first year at xxxx that I have had to speak about race. Race was never a major issue at the school before this year. All parents have always been able to work out any problem that our kids faced. ... xxxx students have always embraced all fellow classmates regardless of race and religion. Maybe there is another underlying issue that needs to be resolved with your child (ie, moving, new school). You also stated that the reason for the your child is being targeted is because she is the brightess student in the class, which test scores have revealed she is not! Furthermore, these same students have been in class with other races of students throught their years at xxxx and this has never been an issue. So my advice to you would be to use the school directory and talk to the parents of the student your child is having problems with and see what the real issues are instead of going on dcurbanmom and projecting a situation that is may not be reality.

Wow. First of all I'd like to point out that I never mentioned the name of my daughter's school, nor did I specifically mention any other students. Secondly, I never said she was the brightest student in her class, only that she had been targeted because she had not been misbehaving like the other members of the class. But even if I HAD said that, who are you and what would you possibly know about her test scores? I'm glad that you feel that xxxx families embrace all fellow classmates. That must be nice for you to be able to find a place for your child where they aren't told that the only reason the teacher likes them is because of the color of their skin, or that when they don't take bathroom break all day so they don't have to deal with being picked on. But if your statements are any indication of the sort of heresay that goes on among the "supportive" parent community of which you speak, no thank you. I'd also like to point out that I was seeking advice in an anonymous forum because I am legitimately upset and concerned about my child and hoped someone might have experience that would help me outl I really don't know who you are or where you get your information, but my daughter does not lie to me - perhaps what you and those you seem to be speaking to consider appropriate ways to talk to and about others, whether it be among children or parents, varies greatly from the standards in my family.