New mom coping with going back to work - advice from other WOH moms

[Anonymous]

DD will turn 3 months old tomorrow and I'm a FTM. I'm having an incredibly hard time coping with the fact that I hardly EVER see my daughter. I take her to daycare in the morning but because of my job, I'm frequently arriving home after DH has put her to bed. So basically I'm getting 30 minutes a day with my child during the weekdays. It's KILLING me.

I don't feel like I got enough bonding time as I went back to work a month early when DD was 8 weeks old (my company had no maternity or paid leave.)

I'm the breadwinner of our family and even though we live a modest lifestyle, with the cost of living it's just not possible for either parent to SAH. Believe me, we've done the math. With our mortgage and other daily living bills (we have no debt outside of our home) we would have nothing left over at the end of the month.

So I have to find a way to cope because it doesn't seem likely that things will change anytime soon.

How do you all do it? Never mind the house falling apart (I've made peace with that) I'm just more stressed that I get 30 minutes a day with my newborn.

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP. I know it isn't easy. Any chance that you might be able to leave work earlier and then finish up after the baby goes to sleep? I know that it doesn't work for every job, but it helped at our house. Also, perhaps going in a bit later (and coming home later since you are already missing bedtime) so that you have more time in the morning? Depends on what kind of flexibility you might have.

[Anonymous]

Gosh, I wish I were your nanny; I'd bring your little girl baby to your job every now and then for some visits.
Not a mom, but I was so touched by your post.

[Anonymous]

OP - what time do you leave, what time do you get home?

It does get easier when you have some semblance of a schedule. It sounds like your husband has either a less intense job than you, or a better commute? Give yourself some time to get into a routine - and if you can get ANY flexibility don't be afraid to ask. I work for the most unflexible division in the world, and I was shocked that they let me cut back to four days when my kids were really little. I just went back last year FT and when my youngest was almost 2. If reducing your hours is not an option, could you telework once a week, or try to have one day a week where you leave extra early?

[Anonymous]

This is is hard.

You've got two places to look for changes. You can modify your work schedule, like flex time (can you get into the office later or earlier than you've been doing to get more from either mornings or evenings with your LO?) or reducing hours in office (leaving at 4:30 but answering emails after bed) or working one day from home or compressing your work into four longer days or working three longer days and two shorter days. Or you can modify your commute/where child is in daycare, like using a day care near where you work, so you can spend time together on the metro or taking a job nearer home or moving nearer work, etc.

We had to look hard at this equation. We ended up living in a small apartment, but very close to my job. For me this is better than a long commute and little time with my cutie pie. But that's just my personal solution. If my company offered telecommuting, I probably would have tried that at least 1 or 2 days a week. But like you I'm the primary breadwinner and my office doesn't support telecommuting.

[Anonymous]

OP, I felt like you do, and I had even more flexibility than you--at that age, its just so hard to get awake time! As she gets older, it really will get better.

I hate it when people answer questions like this, but I am going to do it. I _know_ not every job makes this possible, but really see if you can find flexibility by doing come-in-early-leave-early; half-day fridays; use vacation time strategically for half days every or every-other week; cutting back to 4 days a week, etc. Especially if you have a strategically important position/set of skills/knowledge and you have done a good job, people are really often willing to work with you.

[Anonymous]

Totally agree w PP. Very often employers are willing to negotiate w new moms, rather than risk losing you. I have a short commute and a nanny so I get 3 hours a day w 9mo DS and work full 8 hour days. I would be hysterical if I only had 30mins a day. Try to negotiate hours (80% time if you can afford it) or a really early start time so you can see DS more. Maybe you can ask for a 3-mo "probationary" period so your employer has the option of saying no if it doesn't work out (and work your butt off so it does!).

[Anonymous]

I would also suggest asking forgiveness instead of permission when making some of these changes - this can backfire on you, but sometimes its hard to get explicit approval... you can just announce what you are doing - not "I will be doing this for the next 12 months" but more, "Today I have to run at 3:45 - I'll be available at home in the evening to issue that report"

And slowly increase the frequency that you do this - once people see it works, no big deal. This isn't always a good strategy, but its worked very well with me. Asking permission would have been met with a big NO - I have an inflexible neanderthal boss. Now that he sees it doesn't disrupt his life at all, its a complete nonissue.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if it's possible, but you could also try to adjust the baby's schedule so that she is up later at night. But, you're right, it's hard, OP. When they are little you always feel like there isn't enough time with them if you are a working parent. I sometimes used to come home and hold mine while they slept. It will get better in a few months when your baby isn't sleeping as much.

[Anonymous]

I second seeing if you can alter baby schedule. At that age mine took last nap at 5 and stayed up till 10 so lots of time w her. She wasn't in daycare though so maybe that made it easier

[Anonymous]

OP - is the situation KILLING your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would also suggest asking forgiveness instead of permission when making some of these changes - this can backfire on you, but sometimes its hard to get explicit approval... you can just announce what you are doing - not "I will be doing this for the next 12 months" but more, "Today I have to run at 3:45 - I'll be available at home in the evening to issue that report"

And slowly increase the frequency that you do this - once people see it works, no big deal. This isn't always a good strategy, but its worked very well with me. Asking permission would have been met with a big NO - I have an inflexible neanderthal boss. Now that he sees it doesn't disrupt his life at all, its a complete nonissue.

I really would not advise going this route. It will not go down well with most employers. It also will not work if you are quite senior. You will be perceived as a slacker and that will not bode well for the future.
It is always better to take the bull by the horns as it were and tackle the issue with your boss. You may be surprised by the response. I was terrified to approach by boss, who was renown for his inflexibility. In the end we arranged a schedule that was agreeable to us both where I went in early and left early (8-4:30) with every other Friday off.  I was quite senior so it was tricky but it worked. I also had to deal with being on the "mommy track" . My boss was clear that that would be the result but that was fine with me. It pissed me off but I am not here to change the world. 
Then I had the peace of mind knowing I could pick up my bag and leave without worrying.

Thankfully I am now able to SAH but for 4 years I managed to make it work like that. 

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - is the situation KILLING your husband?

OP's post seems to suggest her husband has a more flexible schedule so probably not.

[Anonymous]

So hard. Talk to your boss about flex time on a probationary basis. I come in much earlier and leave earlier. In theory, I work 4 days a week. I think what makes it work is that I am flexible- I come in on my "day off" about 50-60% of the time. I answer my phone and e-mails when out of the office. I keep clients v. happy by being responsive. I agree with some PP that most offices are fine with it once that they see it works. But also be ready to take some professional hits, like getting some less than fascinating assignments and fewer perks. Worth the trade off but a bit jarring if you are used to being on the fast track.

[Anonymous]

I had a little more time with DD than you OP but my way of dealing with it was coming to terms that my DH was practically "me". I never felt bad if DD was with DH. I did feel bad if DD was left at daycare for long days. But time with DH was in my eyes, like time with me (at least that's how i justified it to myself to keep going).