DH wants to start his own business and I'm thinking of separating

[Anonymous]

DH wants to start his own business, which will mean he will go from earning $130K to $20K per year at least for the first two years of the new business, possibly longer. He seems to have put a great deal of thought into the specifics of the business, but absolutely no thought into the impact this would have on our family, i.e., our income plummets, we no longer have health insurance, the instability will drive me nuts, etc... I am at home full time with our 1 year old, which I love, and I would not look forward to going back to my poorly paid 'helping profession' where the salary is about $45K and includes nights and weekends. I know plenty of women work full-time, drop off at day care, commute two hours round-trip every day, and manage to keep it together. Kudos to all of you. But I know myself and I am certain that staying in this very expensive region where I have no family support so I can work a poorly paying job and be apart from my daughter will only breed more resentment and anger toward my husband (who will be working constantly at starting his business and will do even less in terms of child care, no doubt). I don't want to crush his dream, but I basically told him that I am not going to stick around for this and will start looking for a job near my parents in another state 8 hours away by car. We rent our apartment and we don't have a lot of assets or really any debt other than his student loans.

We are constantly irritating each other, we can't seem to get out of a rut we've been in for ages, and to be honest there is not a lot drawing me to him and a shared future anymore. I don't know what to do. Every scenario seems terrible because we both love our daughter and don't want her to suffer for our inability to be happy together. We've done some couples counseling in the past and DH is not terribly interested in doing that again although he will if I press him.

Does our situation sound like something a mediator could help with? I think we both want an objective, practical, action-oriented third party involved at this point. Any suggestions for the Silver Spring area?

[Anonymous]

OP,

What did he say to your idea of moving eight hours away?

Sure a mediator could help, but with what? The negotiation will depend on what he wants. If he wants shared custody, you are pretty much stuck here.

I'd start with a lawyer, to get a sense of custody, if he quit and couldn't pay support, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP here. He does not want to be apart from Our daughter but I don't think he would prevent me from moving out of the area. He is from the West coast and wants to move out there himself. Any way you slice a possible separation/divorce it would end up being long distance. He does not want to stay in DC long term whether we stay together or not.

As far as mediation goes, I was thinking it could be useful to help us decide whether him starting this business is worth potentially splitting up our family or if there is a better option that is mutually agreeable.

[Anonymous]

This won't help with the underlying issues in your marriage, but can he start this business while still working at his current job? I know a few people who did that, and then quit their main job to go full time with their business. That let them build up a reasonable salary in the mean time. Plus, he needs to pay for health insurance. To do otherwise, especially with a child, is just nuts. Does he really think that's OK?

[Anonymous]

Have you tried counseling?

[Anonymous]

OP,

Mediators usually handle separations after a decision has been made. You are looking for help with the decision-making process.

I am surprised that you refuse to consider working to save your marriage. Maybe not immediately but at some point. He may be surprised by, and resent, your entrenched stance on remaining a SAHM. Was this something you discussed in advance? It sounds like he's looking for his turn.

[Anonymous]

And if you do separate and his income is $20k, you won't be getting much spousal support. You will be making your low wage, commuting, etc alone and your daughter will be spending half her time with him without you. If her cares about his child like you say he does, he will figure out right quick that he can't see her that much if you are 8 hours away with her and would likely refuse to agree to that move. There is presumptive 50/50 custody in this area unless one party agrees to less or is unfit to have custody for that amount of time. You don't have a lot of options as I see it.

[Anonymous]

It's presumptive joint, which can be 4/3 or anything the parents choose, the law does not specify equal time. As I understand it VA and MD are not presumptive joint by statute, but lawyers and mediators try to get parents to agree to joint so they both remain in their child's life.

If OP's husband allows the move, OP needs to get something in writing and should consult a lawyer to make sure she's not vulnerable to court challenges. Though unless he gives up his paternal rights, she's always open to challenges, requests to amend the separation agreement due to a change in circumstances. He could move nearby and insist on seeing her 50-50.

Also if he quits his job it will be much harder to track his income for child support ... my ex has lied about other sources of income in addition to his salary.

[Anonymous]

P.S. Do NOT flee to your family's. I wanted to do that when my marriage imploded, it's not kidnapping but judges do not look favorably on that kind of drama and alienation unless there are extenuating circumstances.

[Anonymous]

I think I would give counseling another go.

Do you see any long-term potential in the business? You say he has given it a lot of thought- are there future opportunities to considering this path?

You mentioned a two-hour commute- can you structure a work schedule closer that involves less schlepping and less daycare?

If you separate, you are going to be working no matter what.

It kind of seems like he has no options b/c you won't consider altering your SAHM status. As a DW who wants to start her own business in the future, and would likely be entertaining a similar (albeit temporary) drop in salary, I would be LIVID if my DH would not support me on some level, including contributing some income. Not saying this to be snarky, just pointing out another potential POV.

Is it not so much the business, but other underlying issues that are the problem, and this is sort of a way to have a "dealbreaker" built in? That is why I suggest counseling.

I'm a stepmom, and if you can avoid separating, my bias is that would be better. I see the pain my DH has to go through with joint-custody, always wondering who is going to be around his kids, not getting to have full holidays with them, and the conflict between DH and his ex-DW. Its no picnic, and it gets worse when other people enter the picture romantically, unless you have the most amicable of separations.

Good luck. Obviously, if you are done, you're done, but it might pay off to try to resolve some of the underlying issues- might result in more time with your little one and less stress over a lifetime to accept heightened stress for two years.

Also, health insurance can be purchased individually - its more expensive, but can definitely be done - there are even catastrophic policies out there that might help - a good independent insurance broker can assist with this. All of these are problems that can be solved - the question is do you want to stay in the marriage to solve them?

[Anonymous]

OP,
PP here. If you separate, and your husband insists on joint, your child will be away from you for days at a time, you will miss half or close to half of DC's childhood, another woman will be hanging out with your child before you know it, you will be working full time, you will run your own household, etc. Again, did you have a deal where you could be a SAHM for two years? And are there NO jobs closer to you and/or on which you can build?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH wants to start his own business, which will mean he will go from earning $130K to $20K per year at least for the first two years of the new business, possibly longer. He seems to have put a great deal of thought into the specifics of the business, but absolutely no thought into the impact this would have on our family, i.e., our income plummets, we no longer have health insurance, the instability will drive me nuts, etc... I am at home full time with our 1 year old, which I love, and I would not look forward to going back to my poorly paid 'helping profession' where the salary is about $45K and includes nights and weekends. I know plenty of women work full-time, drop off at day care, commute two hours round-trip every day, and manage to keep it together. Kudos to all of you. But I know myself and I am certain that staying in this very expensive region where I have no family support so I can work a poorly paying job and be apart from my daughter will only breed more resentment and anger toward my husband (who will be working constantly at starting his business and will do even less in terms of child care, no doubt). I don't want to crush his dream, but I basically told him that I am not going to stick around for this and will start looking for a job near my parents in another state 8 hours away by car. We rent our apartment and we don't have a lot of assets or really any debt other than his student loans.

We are constantly irritating each other, we can't seem to get out of a rut we've been in for ages, and to be honest there is not a lot drawing me to him and a shared future anymore. I don't know what to do. Every scenario seems terrible because we both love our daughter and don't want her to suffer for our inability to be happy together. We've done some couples counseling in the past and DH is not terribly interested in doing that again although he will if I press him.

Does our situation sound like something a mediator could help with? I think we both want an objective, practical, action-oriented third party involved at this point. Any suggestions for the Silver Spring area?

OP, every resentment, irritation, anger etc that you have towards your husband is basically secondary to the fact that you have not come to grips with a fundamental mistake in your way of thinking. I point it out here in bold. Oh, yes you do have something drawing you to him and a shared future together. It's called a baby that the two of you created. HER future, HER happiness and HER best interests need to be the focal point here, not the fact that you two have decided play on separate teams and seemingly pursue your own interests at the expense of your marriage. I'm sorry you're in this "rut," but I've got news for you: It's time to be a grown-up. You chose to marry this man and commit to a future together. You sound young and I know it's tough with no immediate family in the area, but this is absolutely no reason to separate. I think you need a strong counselor or perhaps a trained, older mentor couple to help you out. Mediators are for divorces.

[Anonymous]

so let's see, hubby wants to go from 130k HHI to 65k or so HHI (minus health insurance) with day care costs thrown in? (and how easy is it to find daycare for weekends/evenings anyway?)

There is a time when pursuing dreams is a viable choice. There is a time when, well, it's not really a good idea.

As PPs have said, separating WILL mean you keep working and it WILL mean two households to maintain, etc. (It will also mean DH could start hiding income if he were so inclined.)

I'm not sure where this business can be run from, but I'd seriously consider moving to an area where 65k is a better income and where your commute might not need to be as long.

Now -- hubby's business might be DC-centric. In that case, you're hurting.

[Anonymous]

If you're really thinking of leaving b/c your husband's desire to pursue his dream means you might have to work, well, then I think you need to sit down and really think about what is fair and realistic. In terms of finances, what is the earning potential after the start of the business, and how likely is he to succeed? What plans, if any, are there to float your lifestyle for the intermediary time? how much have the two of you actually discussed this as a couple?

I see this as a tough position. On the one hand, he shouldn't be making unilateral decisions that deeply affect all of you. On the other hand, you leaving him because he's choosing to star ta business and will be bringing in less money suggests a selfish and short sided approach to what it means to be in a partnership. It also sounds like you really haven't communicated on a deep level.

Finally, I wonder about other aspects of your marriage--a marriage shouldn't hang on finances alone, but on shared sensibilities, creating a 'family,' spending good time together (in and outof the sack), sharing goals for the future, etc.

as many PPs have stated, separation is not easy, and to my mind, you'll be working anyway, but with part time custody and little spousal supprt if your husband takes this job. and while a lot of people don't want to admit it, divorce is terribly hard on children and in my opinion is a last resort, not a tactic. SO I suggest you start problem solving. The PP who suggested your husband start his company while continuing to work had a good idea. There are also loans, etc. If you want to move closer to your parents, could your DH start his business there? I think it's too early to throw in the towel, unless there are other issues you haven't mentioned.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like your husband has a good head for business. Why not figure out the costs you guys would have if you went back to work, the cost of a nanny and/or other childcare. Make him go out and find this childcare so that he has a sense of the finantial impact, and also the logestical impact. He may not realize that you are doing a whole lot of work that would otherwise be hired out. Factor in health insurance for a nanny, workman's comp, everything. Be sure to plan on vacation and sick days too, so he knows that even if the nanny doesn't come to work, one of you has to be with your daughter. Present this like a business case and tell him to find people to staff the positions that will be vacant with you going back to work. This may get through to him that you are doing a lot. Also, add in cleaners or erand runners, because those tasks won't get done either. If math and numbers and staff positions are his language, then speak to him using alanguage he understands. Present your family like a business and see what he has to say.