accepting the absentee, workaholic dad - or leaving

[Anonymous]

has anyone found peace with a situation where your husband is just not involved very much in the kids' lives (or your life, for that matter.) Right now, I really REALLY want a divorce. But all the literature says to try everything first -- try to save the marriage. I feel like I have tried everthing EXCEPT, I guess, just giving up on having the family life I had envisioned. Is that one of the things I am supposed to try? I just don't know the answer to that.
My husband does not want to go to any kid activities or do anything as a family. Except maybe go to restaurants. He whines and moans about birthday parties, activities like teeball or soccer, or seasonal outings like the fall festivals, pumpkin patches, etc.
Most of the time he ends up staying home, and if he does come, I wish he had stayed home, because he loses his temper with them in about 5 minutes. Having him there is almost worse -- he does not help watch them (they are 2.5 and 4.5) and just types on his blackberry while they struggle to get his attention. It is awful to watch. He reacts harshly and strongly to the slightest infraction and we all end up miserable. Oftentimes we just end up leaving -- in the middle of a birthday party, for example.
He does not come home for dinner or bedtime except for very rarely. He is home before they leave for school, but he lies in the bed with his eyes shut as they run around and I try to get them ready (and myself ready for work.)
When he is with us, he is on his blackberry CONSTANTLY. Last week he came to a 45 minute teeball class and looked up twice (yes, I have started to count.)
What am I going to do. I guess I can 1) leave. Life wouldn't be that much different, since he is never around anyway, but i guess I have the (slim) chance of meeting someone who wants a family life like I do. (2) stay and just stop fighting about it. let him miss their childhood and try to be both mother and father to them as best I can. I love my kids, my work, my friends, so I don't consider myself "miserable" -- my marriage is miserable, but it's not a big part of my life since he is never around, so I do ok with the other, satisfying parts of my life (3) continue to struggle and try and get him to come to things. Go back to counseling. But you can't change someone's personality. He will never be enthusiastic about the kids. i don't think i can fix that.

[Anonymous]

The only comfort I can give you is knowing you are not the only woman in this type of situation feeling this way. I am going through the exact same thing right now as you are.

Trying to figure out whether to separate or stay together for very similar reasons. I am here with the kids for EVERYTHING and he is either at work or off working on the boats or sailing on weekends.

My heart goes out to you with most sincerity.

[Anonymous]

If you were your kids, what would you want? To grow up with a father who is never present emotionally or no father? I don't know the answer. I would worry about the kids absorbing as "normal" the kind of behavior your husband is modeling. Would you want them to marry someone like him, or be this kind of father themselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were your kids, what would you want? To grow up with a father who is never present emotionally or no father? I don't know the answer. I would worry about the kids absorbing as "normal" the kind of behavior your husband is modeling. Would you want them to marry someone like him, or be this kind of father themselves?

This.

[Anonymous]

14:55 -- OP here -- and we also suffer from that -- him going on day-long excursions on the weekends like golf or sailing or hours of poker at night. It makes it so much worse, because at least when it is work, you can almost convince yourself that he has no choice (even though we all know deep down that it IS a choice, on some level.)
His response when I complain is to say that I should take a weekend day off too.....which means they kids never actually see us together -- it's him on Sunday, me on Saturday. It's like we are divorced already.
Thanks for posting.

[Anonymous]

OP, is he an absentee husband as well? I mean, aside from the way is around the children, do you have any loving interactions with him when it's just the two of you? Do you respect him? What was he like before you had children?

[Anonymous]

I would find it very difficult to stay with someone like that. I agree with PP that said that your husband is modeling behavior that you probably don't want your kids to consider "normal". Also, as they grow older, they will probably start to resent him and his detachment. It isn't fair to you or your children. When you got married, did he want kids? What is/was his relationship like with his father? Growing up with a similarly uninvolved father might be the reason he is being this way-not an excuse, BTW. You should sit him down and have a serious talk about how being a non-existent father is as bad as being a bad one.

[Anonymous]

OP,

If you left, your husband would get visitation. The kids would be with him alone for visitation. If he handles them poorly now, how are you going to feel about them alone with him? How are you going to feel about him dating someone and potentially letting that woman deal with them during his visitation so he doesn't have to.

[Anonymous]

I went through this sort of scenario (absenteeism) with DH. I almost divorced him--I had an atty and was having the papers drawn up. Instead, we engaged in many months of couples therapy. Our marriage now is not perfect, but it is head and shoulders above where it was, and we were able to work through and talk out some problems that had been building for years. Now, we have that bedrock of therapy to draw upon when we backslide (for us, it's mostly communication issues). I would try therapy (and really give it a good try, as it takes time) before leaving.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Where do you live?
Custody: How would you feel if you divorced, he got 50-50 or close to it and either rose to the occasion or outsourced parenting on his watch?
Finances/career: Are you working? Are you dependent on him? How much of a change in lifestyle would this mean for you? Run the numbers on the child support calculator.

[Anonymous]

P.S. Have you done any counseling, the two of you? At least start there. Sometimes counseling leads to a better marriage, sometimes it's the first step towards separation and divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Where do you live?
Custody: How would you feel if you divorced, he got 50-50 or close to it and either rose to the occasion or outsourced parenting on his watch?
Finances/career: Are you working? Are you dependent on him? How much of a change in lifestyle would this mean for you? Run the numbers on the child support calculator.

I doubt someone like this would want 50-50. Sounds more like the every other weekend kind of dad, and one who cancels those pretty frequently.

[Anonymous]

I don't have an answer for you. But I am praying for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

21:43 True but so many withdrawn spouses flip when their spouse leave and step to the plate and became involved parents. I see it time and time and again. I hold it out there as a possibility and a reminder that the law favors shared, not maternal, custody. Also, the more the children are with their mother, the more child support dad pays (unless mom's making more than he is).

[Anonymous]

He is acting like a set-in-his-ways bachelor who happens to be married. My SIL acts in this same manner and that is why she has no relationship with her college-aged daughter-- she's a worthless parent. Her long-suffering, spineless husband has never made it clear that her actions and behavior are unacceptable for a wife and mother. He simply puts up with it. Don't be that person.

Please get counseling for yourself, not couples therapy b/c he would never agree to it, I'm sure. Prepare your children, formulate a plan of action, set a separation date and get ready to move on with your life.