Decision not to have any more kids

[Anonymous]

Husband and I always thought we wanted 3 kids -- even up until a few months after birth of No. 2 I was still saving everything carefully away as if there would be a No. 3. We openly talked about trying for 3.

But No. 2 is now 6 mos old, No. 1 is 2 1/2, husband and I are tired but starting to sleep again and it feels good. I probably realized I might be ready to be done at 2 first -- hinting that I was not sure I could "do" the pregnancy and newborn thing again (I'm closer to 40 than I am to 30 and it's taking a physical toll). He would have respected that decision even if he had really wanted a 3d, but now he has become a total convert, openly talking to others about being done (I have not gone that far yet.)

Anyway, I started packing up my first child's baby clothes to give away today (baby no. 2 is a different sex, and so if there is no no. 3 there is no longer a need to keep them) and I just started to cry. Has anyone else had this reaction? Did you think it meant maybe you really weren't ready to be done or just that it's OK to be said about leaving that baby stage in life behind you?

Here I am and I have a baby -- right now! I'm still breastfeeding for pete's sake, but folding away those little newborn clothes -- this time without the comforting thought that they would brought back out for another child -- was unexpectedly emotional for me and I'm wondering if anyone experienced anything similar and if it passed or how dealt with.

[Anonymous]

We knew we were done w/2 (same age difference in children as you and opposite sex too just like you). I was a little sentimental but like you- I'm in the older mom part and it's very tiring- we don't have sleep easy babies and that takes a toll on our energy. I do know when you're not sure of a decision you can get emotional about it- plus remember you're breastfeeding so the hormones are still going quite strong. I took a more practical approach since it was a decision we both made before the baby was here and we were 100% convinced. Our house is also busting out of baby stuff and I'm starting to sell things that our 6 month old has outgrown- so that is exciting! We don't have a mcmansion to store everything..

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way. DD #2 just turned 1. My DH is absolutley adamant that we are done. I, for the most part am too. Like you, I cannot imagine going through the newborn stage again. We finally have some normalcy and are getting a full-night of sleep. The living rooma nd kitchen have all the newborn gear and bottles cleared out But, it does make me sad to think that I am done having kids. This first hit me when I realized that I probably donot need to see my Ob-gyn anymore, I can just go to a gynecologist - and that thought sent me into a tailspin of depression of getting old! And then, putting away the baby clothes makes me sad as well. About 2 months ago I sold the swing that both my girls basically lived in as babies and I cried. So, I hear ya. I think it is common and I know several people with 2 kids who are wavering back and forth between having another. It is sad to think we are moving beyond that baby stage - I look at parents of older kids longly for their quasi-independence but then I realize they (the parents) are older than me, and that is where I am heading...

[Anonymous]

I had the same reaction as you. DH and I thought for sure we were done with two (same age difference, different sexes). But I was still sad as I packed up my baby's clothes and thought about leaving the baby stage behind. Lo and behold, we had a surprise pregnancy and #3 is now four months old. Now I know we are Done. I love having my three kids (initially, I was scared to death!) and have no nostalgia as I put away the baby stuff. In my heart, it just feels right. It did not after our second.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Have number three OP, you really want it and you will never stop thinking about it.

[Anonymous]

Why decide now? Put the clothes away and see how you feel in another 6 mos!
Congratulations on your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had the same reaction as you. DH and I thought for sure we were done with two (same age difference, different sexes). But I was still sad as I packed up my baby's clothes and thought about leaving the baby stage behind. Lo and behold, we had a surprise pregnancy and #3 is now four months old. Now I know we are Done. I love having my three kids (initially, I was scared to death!) and have no nostalgia as I put away the baby stuff. In my heart, it just feels right. It did not after our second.

Good luck.

I'm not OP, but wanted to thank you for your post. In so many ways, I think that two might be more practical for us (my age, money, size of our home, etc.) but in my heart I am dying for one more. So thanks for sharing.

[Anonymous]

I have the opposite problem, it's me who's feeling done and DH wants 2 more! At the least he wants one more. He's always wanted big families and juggles the kids WAYYYY better than me. He does it so effortlessly, but I'm always a disorganized mess.

[Anonymous]

Same problems here. I alway thought I wanted 2, DH is open to 3, but I'm still thinking about another one (DC#2 is 1 yo). I love this baby stage, and I'm sad to think of no more.

However, I know so many people who are CERTAIN that they only want 2. I think if you don't have that certainty, you'll always wonder.

On the flip side, I am so lucky to have 2 happy, healthy great children and I'm really scared to tempt the fates with a 3rd. Tough, tough decision.

[Anonymous]

I have been going through this lately, too. We have an almost 3 year old and and an almost 1 year old, and are starting to think about getting rid of some of the baby stuff. I have sold a couple of things, but I can't quite get rid of the baby clothes yet or the swing and exersaucer. I am pretty sure I am done and am thankful to have two healthy boys. I have also met a lot of people who are on the older side who have had twins naturally and it freaks me out to think if I tried for one more I might get two! But it is hard to let go and think that there will be no more babies. I definitely don't miss the newborn stage and the lack of sleep, but my 10 month old is at a really sweet stage where he is learning to talk and is just so happy, and it makes me sad to think soon he will be big like his brother. However, my DH is definitely done, so I think this is it for us.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP - thanks for all of your thoughts -- really helpful to hear.

I think two people hit on things I was feeling but maybe had not fully realized:

(1) The "tempt the fates" comment -- with two healthy ones and feeling like 2 may be all I can handle -- the possibility of a third child with any special needs has crossed my mind as a reason not to try for 3 as I would be unsure that I have enough capacity right now to give what would be needed in that situation without shortchanging the first two. (Actually, even with a healthy third child, I think shortchanging the first two is one of my concerns -- I am not a high energy person and I wonder if I would have enough to give to all three.)

(2) The person who mentioned looking at the parents with the older kids and being semi-envious but then realizing those parents are older and identifying "getting older" as the real concern. That struck a chord with me.

Basically I wish I had started having kids a little younger. I would love to shelve this whole decision for a few years and wait until No. 1 is in kindergarten and things were a little more sane, but I doubt we would go that route as it's hard for me to imagine the baby stage lasting into my 40's. As it is, I will take the advice of shelving it for 6 mos. Thanks everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had the same reaction as you. DH and I thought for sure we were done with two (same age difference, different sexes). But I was still sad as I packed up my baby's clothes and thought about leaving the baby stage behind. Lo and behold, we had a surprise pregnancy and #3 is now four months old. Now I know we are Done. I love having my three kids (initially, I was scared to death!) and have no nostalgia as I put away the baby stuff. In my heart, it just feels right. It did not after our second.

Good luck.

I'm not OP, but wanted to thank you for your post. In so many ways, I think that two might be more practical for us (my age, money, size of our home, etc.) but in my heart I am dying for one more. So thanks for sharing.

You are welcome. I was told that you know when you are Done, and I have found this to be true. I was not Done after two, even though everything pointed to the practicality of having just our two kids. I tried very hard to be Done after two, but my heart longed for another baby. Now that I've had my surprise third (and he truly was a surprise!), I know I am finished. And it feels good and right.

My great aunt told me that if I waited until we had enough time, space or money to have more kids, we'd never have any. So true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had the same reaction as you. DH and I thought for sure we were done with two (same age difference, different sexes). But I was still sad as I packed up my baby's clothes and thought about leaving the baby stage behind. Lo and behold, we had a surprise pregnancy and #3 is now four months old. Now I know we are Done. I love having my three kids (initially, I was scared to death!) and have no nostalgia as I put away the baby stuff. In my heart, it just feels right. It did not after our second.

Good luck.

I'm not OP, but wanted to thank you for your post. In so many ways, I think that two might be more practical for us (my age, money, size of our home, etc.) but in my heart I am dying for one more. So thanks for sharing.

You are welcome. I was told that you know when you are Done, and I have found this to be true. I was not Done after two, even though everything pointed to the practicality of having just our two kids. I tried very hard to be Done after two, but my heart longed for another baby. Now that I've had my surprise third (and he truly was a surprise!), I know I am finished. And it feels good and right.

My great aunt told me that if I waited until we had enough time, space or money to have more kids, we'd never have any. So true.

I've heard that too and I believe it.

[Anonymous]

I've heard about the Done feeling and I wish I felt it. Does it ever come later? I mean, do you have to have another child to accomplish feeling Done or can the feeling just evolve even with the children you already have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've heard about the Done feeling and I wish I felt it. Does it ever come later? I mean, do you have to have another child to accomplish feeling Done or can the feeling just evolve even with the children you already have?

I got a puppy instead. The want for another has never returned.