spinoff on bullying

[Anonymous]

A new GDS parent writing. A current GDS thread has a parent posting that the school is responsive to bullying but it relies on the responsiveness of the bully's parents. Also, that the teachers and administration need to be alerted to it rather than proactively catch it particularly on the playground. Both these statements caught me by surprise. They do not indicate the highest level of vigilance and a true desire to stamp it out. Should egregious bullying not result in expulsion? I realize good people may argue about what "egregious bullying" means.

I would love to hear from parents of other schools. What school does your child attend, and what does it actually do when kids are bullied? I don't mean what are its policies since GDS's official policy is "no tolerance". I want to hear whether GDS's actual actions against bullying are on par with those of other schools in the area.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Those statements make sense to me. Maybe the question you should ask if how do GDS teachers handle bullying when they happen to observe it. Does GDS offer anti-bullying and conflict resolution seminars to teachers and students? Teachers cannot be expected to detect all bullying. They must rely on parents to call some perceived bullying to their attention. They can't possible witness all of it. Also, bullying is a broad term, expulsion seems extreme.

[Anonymous]

I agree with OP that schools need to take bullying seriously. My child was bullied, and it almost drove him from the school. Should it be the bully or the victim who has to leave the school? I say the bully. Obviously, expulsion should not be the remedy for all sorts of bullying, but kids who repeatedly humiliate and torment other kids should be removed from the school.

[Anonymous]

GDS 5th graders are trained in conflict-resolution, specifically on the playground, but elsewhere as well. I don't know how teachers themselves are trained, but the curriculum is intentionally designed so that students come to respect difference and diversity.

Even a school like GDS is not immune from bullying, but the fact that conflict-resolution and diversity are explicitly a part of the academic curriculum at this age shows that the school does take bullying seriously enough that it is not an "extra-curricular" topic, but part of the main course of study.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, 9:12. That's exactly the scenario that I (the other GDS poster OP is referring to) was describing and, yes, GDS does do a lots of pro-active work (with both kids and staff) re bullying.

Some bullies know how to work under the radar and choose contexts (e.g. the playground) where certain kinds of provocation/button-pushing (especially verbal) may not be apparent to adults in charge. "Egregious" bullying is easy to spot and address, but I didn't use that term and it wasn't the kind of behavior I was referring to.

While I think it's important to have vigilant adults in charge at school, I also think it's important to have kids speak up when they are being mistreated. And, not surprisingly, many kids will go to their parents first if they're subject to bullying (if only for a reality-check). At which point, parents need to bring the problem to the attention of the school.

Re the school's effectiveness in addressing bullying depending on the parents. It's not that there are no consequences at school for a child who is caught bullying (but the consequence doesn't seem to be explusion). It's a situation where if your parents as well as your teachers are telling you it's completely unacceptable to treat people this way, you react one way. But if the message from parents sounds more like boys will be boys, or I'm tired of being dragged in here because of what you did on the playground, or it takes two to tango and it sounds like she set you up and dodged the blame, the dynamic is much less likely to change. Sometimes the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. These cases are the exception rather than the rule but they aren't non-existent.

Bottom line, schools aspire to be communities and it takes a village to raise good kids. Parents and teachers/administrators should work like a team on these sorts of issues. That's generally what I see happening at GDS.

[Anonymous]

And I should add that the kids themselves are part of the village raising the kids and are treated as such at GDS. When I'm on campus during the schoolday, I'm routinely impressed by how often I see kids checking in on other kids to make sure everything's all right, offering help, etc. At the youngest ages, that's often a hugs and company kind of proposition, but there's a fair amount of problem-solving and translation/mediation as the kids get older.

[Anonymous]

Also, that the teachers and administration need to be alerted to it rather than proactively catch it particularly on the playground. Both these statements caught me by surprise. They do not indicate the highest level of vigilance

I used to feel as you do, as the mother of a younger child who has borne the brunt of some upsetting playground behavior. I now believe that, when dealing with the youngest elementary kids (5-9), it is very hard to get an ACCURATE version of ongoing dynamics.

How many of us have an elementary kid who has said the following: Ava is mean to me. Ava and Grace won't play with me. Grace and Ava say they won't be my friends. They used to be my friends. They hate me. Ava ran away from me, now she will only play with Bella. Ava and Bella say my shoes are ugly. Ava and Bella say I can't come to their birthday party. Bella says I'm dumb.

I now understand that there is a whole lot of interaction among younger kids on the playground that leaves someone feeling bad about himself and even feeling "targeted" but this dynamic very, very gray. Getting back to OP's point above, my own experience is that this kind of interaction is super hard to catch and happens in a series of fleeting moments.

Unless the playground monitors are following around the kids at 2 paces behind, and listening to every single exchange among children, this kind of talk will go undetected. It can happen every day, and it will still go undetected.

If the girl in the above example goes to her teachers or recess monitors and reports this, what should we do about it? What if she reports it 3 times a week?

[Anonymous]

9:12 here. OP, I'm guessing your child was bullied or you're concerned he/she might be bullied? My child was falsely accused of bullying by a student who had major mental health issues. Really, really major. It was really bizarre because my child liked this child and had no idea what he was telling the school therapist about him! I know another child, hostile and aggressive even to parents, who would complain he was being bullied by one student in particular but it was so hard to "prove" since this student had so many social (not chemical) issues himself, including outbursts of violence at school and at birthday parties. Bullying can mean so many things, sometimes perceived bullying is is actually a personality conflict rather than targeted, systematic taunting or humiliating of one student by another.

[Anonymous]

PP, be careful. Of course, there are occasionally false accusations. But it is dangerous, in general, to blame the victim. I am sorry your child was false accused. I can assure you that mine was bullied, and that it was very very real. It was borne out by other parents, teachers, kids. It is a pity that it required all these people speaking up for the school administration to believe it. Being bullied is a bit like being raped. The kid has to prove that he or she didn't ask for it and that it is not being made up. Very sad for the vast majority for whom it is a real and tragic situation.

A number of posters have said that GDS's curriculum on diversity and tolerance reduces bullying. I understand that means that kids are less likely to be bullied if they are gay, gender-confused, etc. But a lot of bullying is about a psychologically troubled child who takes out his or her, often extreme, anger on a target. Focusing on diversity and differences alone will not resolve bullying in schools. Far from it. Expulsion is certainly extreme. But I haven't heard anyone say that the bully is required to be in therapy to resolve their anger-management issues. Does any school require parents to deal with the bully's issues?

[Anonymous]

I don't have specifics to provide to the OP, but I remembered an excellent edition of the Diane Rehm show that addressed this issue, and thought some of you might want to listen to it. Guests were:

Carl Pickhardt, author of "Why Good Kids Act Cruel" and "The Everything Parent's Guide to Positive Discipline"; he is also a psychologist in a private counseling practice.

Melody Meade, Principal, Primary School, Washington International School.

Patrick Welsh, English teacher, T.C. Williams High School, Alexandria, Va.


You can listen to the show here:
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2010-01-11/why-good-kids-sometimes-are-cruel

[Anonymous]

10:39 I did not blame the victim, my child was the victim, he was falsely accused of bullying. In our situation, the accuser was given the benefit of the doubt. In a sense, there are parallels with yours. I would NEVER blame the victim. I shared these anecdotes to remind OP and others how challenging bullying is for schools because the term covers so much behavior. Of course I think schools need to do as much as possible for bullying -- for instigators and students who've been bullied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have specifics to provide to the OP, but I remembered an excellent edition of the Diane Rehm show that addressed this issue, and thought some of you might want to listen to it. Guests were:

Carl Pickhardt, author of "Why Good Kids Act Cruel" and "The Everything Parent's Guide to Positive Discipline"; he is also a psychologist in a private counseling practice.

Melody Meade, Principal, Primary School, Washington International School.

Patrick Welsh, English teacher, T.C. Williams High School, Alexandria, Va.


You can listen to the show here:
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2010-01-11/why-good-kids-sometimes-are-cruel

Yes, I remember this show and appreciated its nuance.

[Anonymous]

I have heard parents referring to situations as "bullying" when I thought they were overreacting. We've been conditioned to understand that bullying is very, very bad and so a parent who is distressed because a child is distressed will push that button more quickly than warranted, IMO.

BUT, bullying can be a debilitating problem and it is absolutely the school's responsibility to handle it. My DS goes to McLean which has an anti-bullying curriculum. They teach the kids how to recognize bullying, why it is harmful, and how to respond. This doesn't eliminate the problem entirely but it does provide leadership and set a tone and it means that when it does happen, less often than in other schools, it is clearly recognized and addressed.

My pet peeve, the thing I HATE, is when one child treats another badly and the school's response (this happened at my other DC's school) is to bring both kids together to "resolve the situation in a mutual manner." But if the conflict is not mutual, if one child is picking on another, this is just painful for the victim, opens them up to more abuse, and makes them much more reluctant to report a problem. Schools need to handle this differently.

[Anonymous]

15:23 -- I won't even MENTION the private school's name because the defenders go nuts trying to out perceived posters, but as a mom of two teenagers (now) who has seen it all, that mutal conflict resolution among the students fails every time. It's the easy way out for admin. In my opinion, the parents need to be called in (if anyone) because that's usually where the poor behaviour is modeled. Short of that, the bully should be called to the principal's office. Kids usually are not lying about this stuff, they are fully aware of the stigma they may have attached to them if it weren't true. 11:24, your kid was accused twice (falsely!). I see where they get their problem.

[Anonymous]

17:18 11:24 here. That's a nasty comment. If you choose not believe me, that's your business. And may you and your family never be on the receiving end of a false accusation.