Has anyone else's life and marriage imploded after having a baby? Is this normal?

[Anonymous]

I know everyone says things change after you have a baby, but I never expected things to change this much, this fast, and this badly.

DH and I were happily married for 3 years when our DS was born (he's now 5 months old). We are both physicians in our mid 30s, and we were thrilled when I got pregnant and even happier when our son was born. While I was on maternity leave everything was fine, but when I went back to work after 3 months, things started to get bad. I just feel SO overwhelmed all the time. We have no family in the area, and I feel like I can't take care of everything and everyone. My husband is somewhat helpless and can't do much for himself, so I end up having to "take care" of him, too. We fight every day and are often yelling at each other in front of the baby. I feel so stretched to the limit that I don't know how I'm going to be able to continue doing this. I've thought of leaving him so I'll have one less person to take care of. I'm so emotionally and physically spent that I don't even know if I love him anymore. I don't even remember what our relationship was like before we had the baby. I know we were happy and in love, but I really have only a foggy recollection of those times. Now we exist in a constant state of stress, chores, and sleep deprivation, and I don't know how much longer I can take it.

I think part of the problem is that my job is stressful and I feel like I am stretched too thin. I work full-time and have to take care of very sick (and oftentimes) demanding patients. I also do all day-care drop-offs and pick-ups (b/c my son's daycare is closer to where I work). My husband doesn't come home from work until 7:30 or 8:00 pm some nights, so I have to do the evening care for the baby, as well as plan/make dinner and prepare for the next day. I fall into bed exhausted and have no interest in sex.

I just don't know how much longer I can take it. I feel like we will get divorced unless something changes. I am miserable! My husband thinks I have post-partum depression, but I did not BF and therefore should not have any hormonal issues at this point. Besides, I don't think this is PPD. I think this is just unhappiness about the realities of life and how difficult it is to have a baby, work full-time at a stressful job, and have no family or emotional support. I see other couples with babies and they look so happy. Is our marriage doomed to failure? Do others go through this as well, or should I just throw in the towel now?

[Anonymous]

Ok first of all, the first few weeks (months?) after you go back to work are HARD. You are tired, emotional, haven't found your rhythm yet, etc. It was hard for me until I realized that I just couldn't do what I used to do - period. It sound like you need to have an honest talk with your DH - something along the lines of 'I'm drowning, and I need your help'. I remember having a very similar conversation with my DH and he responded well. I'm the 'I can handle it' Type A kind so it took me saying out loud, to him, 'I need help' to make a difference. If you are doing everything at night, tell your DH you need Saturdays to sleep or take naps or get a pedicure. He seems helpless and maybe he is but leave him with the baby and he'll figure it out. He has to.

You need to find a division of labor or routine that works for you but this is what works for us.

1 - I started having a cleaning service come. I can't do it all the time but I have them come every 2-3 months and just do what I can in between.
2 - Find some SIMPLE foods that you can make during the week or on the weekends. Variety is over-rated. Bonus if you can get 2-3 meals out of it. The rotisserie chicken from the grocery store is your friend.
3 - When I go to give DD her bath, DH starts dinner. Or if dinner is ready, I'll ask him to throw some laundry in. Basically, I ask that we both do all of the things at night that need to be done at the same time - that way when DD is in bed we are both 'done'. Essentially, he doesn't get to lounge on the couch while I'm doing bathtime

Don't worry, OP - I am sure it will get better. Just talk to your DH, raise the white flag and give him a chance to step up to the plate.

[Anonymous]

Clean up in the divorce.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say imploded but yes, this was THE most stressful period in my marriage. Until we figured out a "system" and worked out the kinks, we bickered ALOT.

Why not consider a nanny instead of daycare? No drop off/pick up, and the nanny can help with chores.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you and your husband ever spoken about shifting your careers in a more family friendly direction for a few years? Can a goal be to move closer to work? How much do you outsource? Do you do Peapod? Have cleaners? Woud a nanny who is willing to do some household chores be more helpful to you - baby doesn't leave home and maybe she can throw some prepared food in the oven before you get home? These are the toughest years, the more you are the manager not the worker the better. Let the chores be and snuggle with your son, go on a walk or to Starbucks if the house chores call too strongly. Going to a counselor can't hurt. Sounds like DH isn't stepping up to help if he is dismissing your valid complaints as "being hormonal". That woud piss me off. You should talk to the other OP whose husband spends all of his time biking and at happy hours.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is "somewhat helpless and can't do much for himself"?!?! But you say he is a physician!! Good lord. I would not want him to be my doctor. He can go through medical school but not cook some meals or clean a floor? What did he do before he met you---live in hunger and filth?

If you are doing too much, try NOT doing things for awhile. Don't argue. But also don't automatically cook. Don't automatically do laundry. Let things go for awhile. If you find yourself going to the sink to do dishes, force yourself to go watch some TV. When your helpless husband wonders where his food and clean clothes are, just tell him you were too busy and stressed out to deal with it. I'm sure he'll understand--that seems to be the approach he is taking.

In all seriousness, I feel for your pain, and I am sorry you are going through this difficult time, but you need to stop thinking of your husband as helpless and find ways (without screaming) of getting him to do his share.

[Anonymous]

One thing I am curious about OP, you say your DH is helpless and you need to take care of him too. Has he always been like this or is he helpless only since the baby? I think if he has always "needed" you to do things for him then it shouldn't surprise you that he hasn't changed since the baby. If it is the latter, then I would consider some serious conversations with him about it. My sister's DH suddenly became super dependent on her for EVERYTHING after the baby (packing his clothes for trips, making every meal, etc.) and he had never been like that before. She finally realized after he requested a "big birthday party with invitations) two weeks after the baby's First birthday, that he was jealous of the baby. Sounds ridiculous but they had a LONG talk and he finally admitted to feeling like a third wheel, missed their couple's time pre-baby, hi free time, etc. They are still having issues but at least have come to a bit of a resolution with alternating day care drop-offs and pick-ups, ordering out once in a while so neither has to cook, date night, etc. Maybe this is something to consider with your husband? I hope things get better. It is life-changing to have a baby but shouldn't turn your world completely upside-down to the point where you wonder why you ever married the person you are with...

[Anonymous]

I found that my DH was very willing to help, but had to be asked specifically to do things/given tasks to do. I hated having to be organized enough to ask/assign, but he just doesn't seem to see the dirt, the piles of laundry etc.

One of the key things we did was figure out a meal plan for the week and post it on the fridge every Sun night for Sun - Thurs meals. That helped me have one less thing to think about and DH could take stuff out to defrost in the am, put the crock pot on, or start dinner if he got home before we did. We also instituted one take out night a week - regular relief from cooking - DH usually picks up. I get the same thing almost every week so he can go without checking with me.

I second the vote for cleaners.


I also started putting clean laundry on DH's side of the bed so he would get the hint to fold.

DS is 2 now and it is still hard but not miserable.

Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Good god. The posts about these pathetic men make me want to vomit up my breakfast. I am so thankful I am a woman. Believe me, I have my moments and I'm fortunate to have a husband that helps out a lot.

OP - you need to give a nice, swift kick in the ass to your hubby.

[Anonymous]

I can relate OP - our marriage did change and having a baby is HARD on our marriage. My DD is two now and we are committed to working on it because we still love each other, and ultimately, he is my best friend. Right now we are working on the sex thing - we've been together four times since the birth of our child two years ago, so that is a problem. Like you, I'm exhausted and we are on wildly different schedules (I'm a morning person and he is a night owl). We are getting ready for a weekend away, just us, because we've realized we have got to back into having sex!

Doing drop off and pick up must be really stressful. You need to sit down, either with yourselves or maybe a counselor and you need to come up with a better division of labor. Someone posted a few months ago on DCUM about how their DH worked late, but no matter what time he came home, he had to prepare the next night's dinner. I LOVE that because it's a creative use of scheduling and he can't use working late as an excuse for not cooking.

We outsource the deep housecleaning and divide other things - I do most of the laundry but he puts it away, he does most of the cooking and kitchen clean up, he is in charge of trash and I take care of our cat, we take turns doing the grocery store and other errands, etc. You can't do the brunt of housework, baby care, and work full time. It's just not fair.

Please know that your baby is still so young - it may get easier for your DH when the baby is more interactive. And don't be afraid to outsource if you can - groceries, cleaning, mother's helper or teen to watch the baby while you get things done or go for a walk or a cup of coffee. Hugs to you OP - you are not alone and I have found marriage as well as raising your child takes a huge effort! I had heard the first year of marriage is the hardest. HAH! Whoever said that did not have a baby.

[Anonymous]

OP, this time in my baby's life was also the most stressful point I have ever had in my relationship with my DH. DH worked very long hours for very little pay, and I was stuck with the duties of the primary caregiver, income earner, and housekeeper. Given all that, I just had no time for DH. I agree with the PPs, what really helped was sitting down and telling DH how I felt. It took a couple of conversations like that but I resolved that I would not get angry or emotional and just lay out the facts for him. It took a little time but he did get it. We still have to do "course corrections" every once in a while, but we're doing much better. DS is 19 months old and we are expecting #2 in March.

Get a babysitter or family member to come watch the baby at least a couple of times a month so the two of you can get out and work on your marriage. It will not help you or your baby if your marriage collapses under all this stress.

Outsource as much as you can.

I don't agree that you have PPD in the clinical sense, but it sounds to me as if you are still battling some baby blues. Perhaps you can speak to a psychiatrist colleague of yours about how you feel, or seek therapy? I bet it would really help to get some of these emotions out to someone other than your husband.

I think most DH's have a very difficult time adjusting to their new lives after baby. As women, we don't really have a choice ... we are hardwired to change as soon as that baby is born. Although the change can be traumatic, it's going to get made. Men have the "luxury" of taking their time to accept these kinds of changes and it is frustrating to deal with. Hang in there. It will get better.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a really happy time, but also a really stressful time in a marriage. I think a lot of moms who work outside the home are still expected to do most of teh household management/child care, and it really takes its toll. My DH is always telling me i'm impatient and mean to him, and my response is that he'd be nasty, too, if he ran around like a lunatic trying to get stuff done in the 10 minutes baby is happy in the swing, or the 45 minutes I have between her bed time and mine...meanwhile he's lolligagging around. I think, though, that even with a really supportive, capable husband, balancing work and mom duties is really hard and leaves you burned out...especially when you're getting used the the adjustment.

What has helped us is trying to have clearly defined tasks and alternate schedules. So, I go into work early and he takes the baby and drop off, I do evenings. It is really hard to do drop off and pick up. we also divide up the night wakings. Leaving him alone with the baby every morning has really helped him get fully up to speed and capable with the baby -- plus, they've really bonded., We try to have a similar rule as PP -- no lounging on the couch if I'm still putting baby to bed, preparing bottles, etc. Although I think we're managing OK, our relationship is definitely on the back burner and suffering to some extent.

We try to get out for a date every few weeks and try to do at least one fun thing together as a family each weekend.

Your DH is going to have to learn how to take care of himself. And I agree, it sounds to me like that is some learned behavior on his part.

Try to take one day at a time and share with your DH just how much you are struggling -- make sure to do it when you're calm, not just in response to something that has pissed you off. Try to come up with specific things he can take off your plate. I think a lot of what you're describing is very common, but that doesn't make it any fun.

Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

To some degree I think a lot of this is normal. It is a HUGE adjustment. For me, the first few months were a haze, but once I got to six months or so I got really down and really really missed my husband; I started to feel pretty depressed. We barely talked, we still had the bad stuff (the quirks in each of us that the other found annoying) but none of the wonderful stuff we'd had before. I had moments where I thought it would be easier without him.

Our son is now 13 months and things are so much better. What helped us: Trying to carve out time to talk, sit together, relax together. Some nights we would get into bed early and just lie there and talk and cuddle (I had little interest in sex too). We started going on regular dates at around 10 months. We tried really hard to be good to each other--to be kind, to touch each other affectionately (on the hand, to kiss hello, that sort of thing). We signed up for Netflix. Even just watching a movie once a month is nice.

It can be hard to make yourself do this, but I found it made a big difference. We have also considered couples therapy and may still go--I think a lot of people do this after the birth of a child and it can also be very helpful, to carve out a space where you are forced to be attentive to each other and your marriage.

Can either you or your husband scale back workwise at all? Can you outsource more home care? What do you mean when you say you have to take care of your husband? Have you and your husband talked about this?

Hang in there. I do not think you are doomed to divorce based just on what you write here. This is a very very rough time, it can take a lot of effort to get back on track, but it can be done.

[Anonymous]

OP - Every single marriage that I know of when through major issues during the first year after the birth of a child. Most of our close friends ended up in marriage counseling, or at least doing some type of marriage building retreat/program. So, take some concrete steps to ease the stress (evening mother's helper?), but try to find a way to up the communication in your marriage, too.

[Anonymous]

OP -- I posted about my issues post-baby here (9 pgs of responses!): http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/123450.page

We're at 8 mos, and it's been very hard. Perhaps like you, before the baby, I always did 100% of the cooking and most of the day-to-day cleaning (we have a twice-monthly cleaning lady), so it's hard now to tell/expect him to do some these chores. I think the transition from mat leave to working was the hardest because I did 90% of the baby-related chores (incl laundry, bottle washing, etc) until that point and so DH just kind of assumed that was the way it would be (and he thought, wow, this kid thing in easy!). I started back PT, and asked him to do a couple mornings a week, and he moaned and groaned about how hard it was. Then at FT, suddenly, I was saying you need to do 50% of the work, and we've been fighting ever since. I tried a schedule and, as you'll see in my post, it hasn't turned out very well. I think I have residual anger from years of doing most of the housework, and the exhaustion of the baby has brought it to the forefront now. I also make more money than he does, and I think has issues about that (not sure if this is the same for you).

I don't have any huge insights, but it does get a *little* better a couple months down the road when DC sleeps through the night regularly. My DH is a "sensitive" guy, and it is (usually) one of the things I love about him. But, it also means he is very slow to change, which has been hard with so many huge, fast changes this year. I'm hoping to go to a few counseling sessions if we can find the time.