DH and I constantly fighting over child care - how do you do it?

[Anonymous]

DS is now 8 months old, and there can't be a week that goes by when DH and I don't have a serious fight about child care. I created a schedule where we split weekends into four sections (I do half Sat and half Sun) and night/mornings. DH reviewed it and agreed. I do about 60% of the time, and I'm ok with that. But, not two days goes by when DH doesn't ask whether I "want" to take DS for a night/couple hours, etc. when it's his time. DH says that he hates having to "live by a schedule". And, I hate having to justify my desire for free time every weekend. I don't want this to be a debate every single weekend. I want a schedule so I can plan and not have to decide whose activities are more "worthy" each weekend. DH says it feels too rigid for him and he needs flexibility during the days to decide what he wants to do each day. We can't stop fighting about this. What do do? Is it time for a marriage counselor, or is there some other solution?

[Anonymous]

I would say that the solution would be to pitch the schedule.

[Anonymous]

I think your system is very fair. It gives you each allotted amounts of free time on the weekend. Could you work something out where if you or DH has a specific activity you want to do on a specific day/time you could "trade" hours? Or what if you worked it more like a babysitting coop where you each log the hours you put in on a given day (with day/night specified) and the other has that many they need to provide before they get another "time off"? That way it's flexible while being fair at the same time. And if there is a day/time where you both want to do something, make it worth double and see who is more willing to give up their activity? I also recommend getting the occasional babysitter so you can go out and do things together!!

[Anonymous]

Clearly the schedule is the problem. You have a baby now and you both need to roll with the punches. I haven't had free time in a long time. Get over it.

[Anonymous]

Sounds way to rigid to me. What happens if you want to hang with your kid on the off time? What happens if you have Saturday morning and a friend calls and says, want to hang out next Sat. afternooon? Do you and your spouse ever hang out TOGETHER on the weekends?

I am all for me time but this sounds extreme. We do a more open plan based on what is going on from week to week. I have a Saturday morning yoga class I like to go to, and afterwards I hit the bookstore and get a coffee drink. So DH stays with our toddler. But otherwise we play it by ear. A few weeks ago he had been having a lot of "me time" because work rewarded him and some of his coworkers to a fun trip, so when he got back, I picked Sunday afternoon to head out for a late afternoon movie, and he did the "witching hour", dinner, bath and bedtime routine.

[Anonymous]

I like 12:21's suggestion. I think ditching the schedule altogether is a bad idea because I think you'll get stuck with the significant majority of care.

What does your DH mean that he needs flexibility during the days -- why can't he just plan for Sat morning and Sunday evening, or whatever slots are his?

Alternatively, can you set the weekend schedule every Wedneday or Thursday? So that way, each of you gets a Saturday morning, etc and allows for things that may genuninely come up..

Whenever he asks you if you want to take "his" hours, ask his plan for making sure you get your free hours back.

I hate to sound so negative about it, but something in your post makes me think your DH isnt being very fair.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a schedule may be too rigid for your DH. It may be more important that you each watch the baby and give the other free time than trying to split the schedule 50/50. At the end of the day, having a baby means giving up a whole bunch of free time. I feel your pain. I am in desperate need to go to the hairdresser for a hair cut and to dye my hair but finding three hours of "free" time seems impossible with two kids under two. Another option is to hire a babysitter for several hours per week-end.

[Anonymous]

What is this "free time" you speak of? I haven't had any in 8 years, except sometimes I get to pee alone.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I both crave free time for ourselves. We generally split Saturday mornings (I get the early shift, he gets 9:30-12). After nap, we do something together as a family.

Sundays go the same way. It works for us. However, we're not rigid about it and we have both flexible, which is the key.

[Anonymous]

So you and your husband don't do anything together on weekends and you both view spending time with your kid as time spent babysitting that you don't enjoy?

Can you see why this dynamic sucks and is going to make your kid feel like crap once he is old enough to understand what is going on. How about all three of you do some stuff together as a family? That should be the focus of your weekend...then when you each need to do something take it as it comes up.

[Anonymous]

This is bizarre. I am speechless.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- thanks for all of the feedback and advice. I just assumed everyone uses a schedule -- interesting to hear otherwise. We do often do things together on the weekends, and whoever's "time" it is just gets absorbed into the activity. DH has said several times that he thinks I'm obsessed with "fairness". I suppose this is true, and I do think that without a schedule I will end up doing the vast majority of the child care. He says that over time it will even out, but he is naturally more social than I am and has lots more outside activities than I do (or want), and so I don't think it will even out over time. Keeping a list of hours "worked" seems even worse (I'd like it, but DH would be beside himself). I'm interested to hear if others have this "issue" with fairness, or if you think I just need to get over this. I've tried, but every time the thought that the woman just needs to "suck it up" just infuriates me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you and your husband don't do anything together on weekends and you both view spending time with your kid as time spent babysitting that you don't enjoy?

Can you see why this dynamic sucks and is going to make your kid feel like crap once he is old enough to understand what is going on. How about all three of you do some stuff together as a family? That should be the focus of your weekend...then when you each need to do something take it as it comes up.

This.

I'd recommend counseling but with a family therapist.

Is the "time off" spent alone or with single friends?

Do you regularly spend time with other families with young kids?

Having a child is a huge adjustment. One that often the mom is the one to mostly make. In your family it sounds like you are both resistant. Why don't you sign up for Saturday am Gymboree or Music Together and go as a family. Find some fun new ways to have fun together and meet some other families too.

[Anonymous]

12:56 - what is bizarre? Have you never fought with your DH?

[Anonymous]

OP here again -- maybe my DH (or life) is different from many here? DH works in the city and has happy hours/work dinners about twice a week -- I don't have that kind of job, and I don't work in the city. I also get up with DS 4 mornings a week so DH can train for a bike race in the mornings. We both come home (when he's not out) for evenings with DS. If it's "my" turn, he'll go downstairs and watch TV, while I put DS to bed and cook us dinner. If it's "his" turn, I'll just start cooking. On the weekends, he bikes each day for several hours, and then often hangs out with the biking guys at a bar for a couple hours before coming home. I'm home alone for most weekend days, and then we have friends come over at night. Is this so unusual?