Struggling socially after divorce

[Anonymous]

I’m not even sure why I am posting - maybe in hopes that some of you will have some tips?

I got a divorce a few years ago and the outside world thinks I have it all together. I have a great career, great friends, a great financial situation and am very attractive.

But I have become increasingly anxious about any type of moderately social situations outside of my core friend group when it’s mostly couples, and I have no idea why I feel this way. I recognize that it makes no sense.

As part of this anxiety, I have pulled back in a lot of situations and now I am legitimately on the outside where at first it was probably just my perception. For example, I avoided all swim team parent social events the last two summers, of which there is one each week.

That turned me into an outsider in a way I wasn’t before, so the thought of going just fills me with even more dread and anxiety each year. I hate going to back to school nights.. my daughter’s softball games.. you name it.

I did start taking an antidepressant and am in therapy, but that hasn’t changed the anxiety I feel about these circumstances. I know I just need to suck it up and get over it, but I’m really struggling.

I think I just feel shameful about the divorce and I feel like such a socially awkward outsider among all of the other couples.

[Anonymous]

My DH works non-stop, so I show up everywhere by myself. So that's that. Also, divorce takes a lot of courage and self-respect, and that's the opposite of shameful.

[Anonymous]

I have been divorced 4 years. We never had couple friends. I had no social life married and no social life divorced. I am sad I did not get this couple social life married everyone seems to have. I don’t know what it is but I really don’t have time anyway. It is all work and kids all the time. I truly don’t know how other people seem to have time for social lives—I never have been able to have it my entire adult life. I do feel isolated but try not to think about it. If I were you, I would go alone.

[Anonymous]

Maybe some part of you senses the swim parents are jerks! Hard to say. You sound nice and normal and I’m sure once you feel up to socializing you will find your groove again.

[Anonymous]

I lost pretty much all my friends. I started over and found much better people.

[Anonymous]

who the heck wants to go to a swim team social once a week? good god

[Anonymous]

Are you worried the wives will think you're hitting on their husbands? Are you worried you'll get sad seeing the Happily Married Couples? What is holding you back?

[Anonymous]

I’m married and never felt welcome at those swim team socials. I knew 2 families and basically those were the only families I socialized with. There was this one woman I used to always see. Her kids went to my school but different grades. There was a dad I would see around but didn’t know who since not in our grade. At some point, I realized they had the same kids but they were divorced. It took years to realize this. No one cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH works non-stop, so I show up everywhere by myself. So that's that. Also, divorce takes a lot of courage and self-respect, and that's the opposite of shameful.

This. Also, swim team socials are not really that fun. I went because I wanted to know the team / how my kids got along with others and to do my fair share of volunteering. I think they had the sign up sheets at these socials. Treat it like work maybe? Again, I never thought of it as a good time.

[Anonymous]

Address your anxiety- it doesn’t matter if it’s social situations, dogs, traveling, trying new things, etc. You are in a pattern of anxiety with social stuff- so work on that pattern and how you deal with it. Learn about how anxiety works- Unwinding Anxiety is a good book. Also Lynn Lyons has great podcasts, Flusterclux. It’s about parenting/kids and anxiety BUT what she teaches is about anxiety and helps anyone. If you go to her website or subscribe to her emails, she lists a nice list of episodes to start with that address seven puzzle pieces of anxiety. I highly recommend you start here. You are seeing your worry, that is great. Now it is what you do with it- it will take practice and mentally changing your patterns. You can do it.

Lynn also has some great books if you prefer reading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:who the heck wants to go to a swim team social once a week? good god

This. I did not do this crap married even.

[Anonymous]

This is tough, OP. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I've been divorced more than 5 years at this point. I'm one of few single moms invited to social events with parents at my children's school. I've literally been the only single attendee at an event with probably 30 couples. Sometimes it gets to me, but the other parents are genuinely nice people, albeit busy. I go because I enjoy their company and I also want to make sure my children are invited to events. I know it can be hard for people to want to invite kids of divorce, as they don't know when the kids are with the other parent and don't want to get in the middle.

It can be hard, but try to push yourself, maybe once a month or so. I still push myself (and am in therapy etc.). Like I said, I can get down about it sometimes too, especially when my children notice. It's a process that requires reframing. You got this.

[Anonymous]

If you are happy socializing with your actual friends, do you really need to even worry about the school and sports social events? A lot of people feel uncomfortable at back to school night and team dinners, married or not. They can be inherently awkward because you're only there because of your children, not because you necessarily have anything in common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you worried the wives will think you're hitting on their husbands? Are you worried you'll get sad seeing the Happily Married Couples? What is holding you back?

This does happen. Just another added stressor that happens whenever I actually try to be social.

[Anonymous]

I’m about to be in your situation.

I don’t really care so much about socializing with other parents, and basically don’t put much stock in what they might think. Maybe figure out what the stakes of these interactions seem to be for you?

One thing that has helped me is making plans to hang out in a nearby city where I have some friends but no one knows me as a mom/wife. I’m enjoying feeling like my pre-marriage single self again and having experiences I associate with another period in my life. I am restarting some hobbies and generally trying to use this time as a creative reset to consider life outside of the frame that people think it should be in. A lot of this is about shoulds. Have the strength to question those implicit norms, see yourself outside of how you subconsciously judge yourself.

What really gets me is when I hang out one on one with close friends and their entire family, including kids and husband. That I find very hard and sad, I feel like someone looking in from the outside at a dream I once thought I had. But I remind myself that like PP said my choice took courage and we don’t know where this road will lead.

Hugs, OP. You’ve gone through a trauma.